To recap, then.

I’m bringing this latest recap forward by one, so we can extend the big 1000^th number one festivities. After the announcement of the latest Very Best #1, we’ll have a poll to decide the Very, Very Best (and very, very worst) #1s up to now. And then special some guest posts!

This is also a landmark recap in itself, as it is the thirtieth time I’ve published one of these posts, in which I pause and reflect on what the past thirty (or more recently, fifty) chart-toppers can tell us about the state of popular music at the time. What conclusions, then, can we draw from the singles that topped the British charts between March 2003 and January 2005?

Two main genres jump out at me. And they are sub-genres that I have largely made up. There’s tacky dance, that genre of mid-‘00s dance in which an old tune gets tarted up and remixed with a basic dance beat. The beat might be disco-ish, or trance-y, but it is always cheap, and tacky. Think LMC’s ‘Take Me to the Clouds Above’, or Shapeshifters’ ‘Lola’s Theme’, or the daddy of them all: Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’. Even Elton John wasn’t beneath it, with his ‘Are You Ready for Love?’ redo. And while they may have been tacky, they were largely always catchy. And decent, even. I do have a lot of time for Room 5’s ‘Make Luv’, for one.

The other sub-genre has been less palatable, for me at least. It’s that slick and gloopy US hip-hop&B, with which American rappers and R&B stars belatedly started to score big British hits. It had been the dominant sound on the Billboard charts since the mid-nineties, but for some reason it really took off in Britain around 2004. Think Usher’s ‘Burn’, Mario Winan’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’, and Ja Rule’s ‘Wonderful’. One theory I have is that with single sales falling, and with these artists tending to be on big labels, they had the marketing clout to fill the gaps and take advantage of the slump.

Again, though, I didn’t dislike all such records. Nelly’s ‘My Place’ and ‘Flap Your Wings’ double-A was fun, and dare we still claim R. Kelly’s remix to ‘Ignition’ as a classic? Meanwhile this period’s biggest hit – Black Eyed Peas’ ‘Where Is the Love?’ – still has a lot of charm to it.

One other ‘genre’ needs mentioning, and it’s one that we’re starting to have to live with. Reality TV stars and talent show winners. It hasn’t felt as egregious this time around, but we’ve still met Pop Idol 2 winner Michelle (a song I did kind of enjoy), and her runners-up Sam & Mark. The X Factor-age began with a whimper from Steve Brookstein, original Pop Idol Will Young bowed out with the impressive ‘Leave Right Now’, while the greatest of all TV contest winners Girls Aloud finally managed a second #1 with a so-so cover of ‘I’ll Stand By You’. Meanwhile, non-singing reality TV accounted for the unexpected return of Peter Andre, and the even more unexpected appearance of Ozzy Osbourne on a chart-topping single.

That leads us to a more niche phenomenon that’s been seen over the past forty-nine number ones: old men. Elton, Ozzy, Oliver Cheatham (with Room 5), Steve Winwood (‘Call on Me’), and most recently Elvis, have all featured on #1 singles while well over the age of fifty. Or while dead.

I’ve hinted at it in an earlier paragraph, but we do need to reckon with just how low single sales fell during this era of the charts. From the latter-half of 2004, the record for the lowest sales for a #1 single has been broken twice, falling as low as 21,262 copies sold by the 999^th #1, the re-issue of Elvis’s ‘Jailhouse Rock’. The incorporation of downloads into the charts is not far off, but I will argue that sales being in the doldrums has led to some interesting chart-toppers. I’m not sure if Kylie’s ‘Slow’, or Robbie’s ‘Radio’, or Tomcraft’s ‘Loneliness’ would have troubled the top of the charts in a more robust sales environment.

Before the awards, a shout-out to the most successful act of the past forty-nine… Busted, whose four chart-toppers have all come in this period. They brought rock, of sorts, back to the top of the charts, and paved the way for McFly to carry the torch to far greater heights…

To the awards, then. Starting as usual with the The ‘Meh’ Award for forgettability. All that hip-hop&B has given us plenty of dull chart-toppers, the two most egregious being ‘Burn’ and ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’. There’s also the easy target of Steve Brookstein’s plodding version of ‘Against All Odds’. But I’m going to go with a man who inflicted brain-melting dullness on us not once, but twice. I let Daniel Bedingfield away with ‘If You’re Not the One’ last time, but then he went and repeated the trick. My winner is his third and final #1, the snoozefest ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’. Yawn.

The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else also has a few ripe contenders this time. The double-hander of veteran US MCs Fatman Scoop and DJ Casper, and their eclectic hits ‘Be Faithful’ and ‘Cha Cha Slide’. The bizarre Xmas #1 ‘Mad World’, which I have just about forgiven for blocking The Darkness from the top. The fact that Ozzy Osbourne came anywhere near a chart-topping single… I think it has to go to Fatman Scoop’s slice of shouty nonsense though, if only for the nostalgia of remembering that I bought a copy and contributed to its surprise success.

For the thirtieth Very Worst Chart-Topper I did briefly think of giving it to Eminem, a man who I named as a Very Best Chart-Topper not long ago, for the stunning fall from grace that was ‘Just Lose It’. But no. Towering over everything, and this recap’s clear winner, is the God-awful ‘Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)’ by Eamon. He unleashed ‘ho-wop’ on the world, and the world briefly lapped it up. Shame on us. You may be thinking why Eamon and not his ‘ex-girlfriend’, Frankee? ‘F.U.R.B’ though is a significantly better record, if only for the line about not catching his crabs.

Finally, to the main event. Our latest Very Best Chart-Topper. Surprisingly, given that I usually wing this decision as I write, I have a clear Top 3 this time. In the bronze medal position, it is Tomcraft’s ‘Loneliness’, a dark trance banger, and the only non-tacky dance #1 of recent times. Proof that this blog has finally converted me to dance music! In 2^nd, for the second time: Miss Britney Spears with ‘Toxic’. I did really want to give her it after passing over both ‘Baby… One More Time’ and ‘Oops…’, but a slightly better record stood in her way again. That was Beyoncé’s (and Jay-Z’s) Song of the Summer for ’03: the irrepressible ‘Crazy in Love’, a tune that still slaps as hard… does quick maths… TWENTY-THREE! years on. Yikes.

Let’s recap the recaps:

The Meh Award for forgettability

• ‘Hold My Hand’, by Don Cornell.
• ‘It’s Almost Tomorrow’, by The Dream Weavers.
• ‘On the Street Where You Live’, by Vic Damone.
• ‘Why’, by Anthony Newley.
• ‘The Next Time’ / ‘Bachelor Boy’, by Cliff Richard & The Shadows.
• ‘Juliet’, by The Four Pennies.
• ‘The Carnival Is Over’, by The Seekers.
• ‘Silence Is Golden’, by The Tremeloes.
• ‘I Pretend’, by Des O’Connor.
• ‘Woodstock’, by Matthews’ Southern Comfort.
• ‘How Can I Be Sure’, by David Cassidy.
• ‘Annie’s Song’, by John Denver.
• ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’, by Art Garfunkel.
• ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ / ‘The First Cut Is the Deepest’, by Rod Stewart.
• ‘Three Times a Lady’, by The Commodores.
• ‘What’s Another Year’, by Johnny Logan.
• ‘A Little Peace’, by Nicole.
• ‘Every Breath You Take’, by The Police.
• ‘I Got You Babe’, by UB40 with Chrissie Hynde.
• ‘Who’s That Girl’, by Madonna.
• ‘A Groovy Kind of Love’, by Phil Collins.
• ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, by Band Aid II.
• ‘Please Don’t Go’ / ‘Game Boy’, by KWS.
• ‘Dreams’, by Gabrielle.
• ‘Forever Love’, by Gary Barlow.
• ‘I Feel You’, by Peter Andre.
• ‘You Needed Me’, by Boyzone.
• ‘Holler’ / ‘Let Love Lead the Way’, by The Spice Girls.
• ‘Stop Living the Lie’, by David Sneddon.
• ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’, by Daniel Bedingfield

The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else

• ‘I See the Moon’, by The Stargazers.
• ‘Lay Down Your Arms’, by Anne Shelton.
• ‘Hoots Mon’, by Lord Rockingham’s XI.
• ‘You’re Driving Me Crazy’, by The Temperance Seven.
• ‘Nut Rocker’, by B. Bumble & The Stingers.
• ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, by Gerry & The Pacemakers.
• ‘Little Red Rooster’, by The Rolling Stones.
• ‘Puppet on a String’, by Sandie Shaw.
• ‘Fire’, by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
• ‘In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)’, by Zager & Evans.
• ‘Amazing Grace’, The Pipes & Drums & Military Band of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard.
• ‘Kung Fu Fighting’, by Carl Douglas.
• ‘If’, by Telly Savalas.
• ‘Wuthering Heights’, by Kate Bush.
• ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.
• ‘Shaddap You Face’, by Joe Dolce Music Theatre.
• ‘It’s My Party’, by Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin.
• ‘Save Your Love’ by Renée & Renato.
• ‘Rock Me Amadeus’, by Falco.
• ‘Pump Up the Volume’ / ‘Anitina (The First Time I See She Dance)’, by M/A/R/R/S.
• ‘Doctorin’ the Tardis’, by The Timelords.
• ‘Sadeness Part 1’, by Enigma.
• ‘Ebeneezer Goode’, by The Shamen.
• ‘I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)’, by Meat Loaf.
• ‘Spaceman’, by Babylon Zoo.
• ‘All Around the World’, by Oasis.
• ‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’, by Baz Luhrmann.
• ‘Bound 4 da Reload (Casualty)’, by Oxide & Neutrino.
• ‘Because I Got High’, by Afroman.
• ‘Be Faithful’, by Fatman Scoop ft. The Crooklyn Clan

The Very Best Chart-Toppers

• ‘Cara Mia’, by David Whitfield with Mantovani & His Orchestra.
• ‘The Man From Laramie’, by Jimmy Young.
• ‘Roulette’, by Russ Conway.
• ‘Wooden Heart’, by Elvis Presley.
• ‘Lovesick Blues’, by Frank Ifield.
• ‘Diane’, by The Bachelors.
• ‘The Minute You’re Gone’, by Cliff Richard.
• ‘Release Me’, by Engelbert Humperdinck.
• ‘Lily the Pink’, by The Scaffold.
• ‘All Kinds of Everything’, by Dana.
• ‘The Twelfth of Never’, by Donny Osmond.
• ‘The Streak’, by Ray Stevens.
• ‘No Charge’, by J. J. Barrie
• ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’, by David Soul
• ‘One Day at a Time’, by Lena Martell.
• ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’, by St. Winifred’s School Choir.
• ‘I’ve Never Been to Me’, by Charlene.
• ‘Hello’, by Lionel Richie.
• ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’, by Foreigner.
• ‘Star Trekkin’’, by The Firm.
• ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’, by Glenn Medeiros.
• ‘Let’s Party’, by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers.
• ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’, by Bryan Adams.
• ‘Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)’, by The Outhere Brothers.
• ‘Unchained Melody’ / ‘White Cliffs of Dover’, by Robson & Jerome.
• ‘C’est la Vie’, by B*Witched.
• ‘I Have a Dream’ / ‘Seasons in the Sun’, by Westlife.
• ‘Do You Really Like It?’, by DJ Pied Piper & Masters of Ceremonies
• ‘Eternal Flame’, by Atomic Kitten.
• ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’, by Eamon

The Very Best Chart-Toppers

1. ‘Such a Night’, by Johnnie Ray.
2. ‘Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White’, by Perez ‘Prez’ Prado & His Orchestra.
3. ‘Great Balls of Fire’, by Jerry Lee Lewis.
4. ‘Cathy’s Clown’, by The Everly Brothers.
5. ‘Telstar’, by The Tornadoes.
6. ‘She Loves You’ by The Beatles.
7. ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’, by The Rolling Stones.
8. ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’, by Procol Harum.
9. ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’, by Marvin Gaye.
10. ‘Baby Jump’, by Mungo Jerry.
11. ‘Metal Guru’, by T. Rex.
12. ‘Tiger Feet’, by Mud.
13. ‘Space Oddity’, by David Bowie.
14. ‘I Feel Love’, by Donna Summer.
15. ‘Heart of Glass’, by Blondie.
16. ‘The Winner Takes It All’, by ABBA.
17. ‘My Camera Never Lies’, by Bucks Fizz.
18. ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
19. ‘You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)’, by Dead or Alive
20. ‘Stand by Me’, by Ben E. King (Honorary Award)
21. ‘It’s a Sin’, by Pet Shop Boys.
22. ‘Theme from S-Express’, by S’Express.
23. ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, by Sinéad O’Connor.
24. ‘Would I Lie to You?’, by Charles & Eddie.
25. ‘Stay Another Day’, by East 17.
26. ‘Setting Sun’, by The Chemical Brothers.
27. ‘Your Woman’, by White Town.
28. ‘Believe’, by Cher.
29. ‘Stan’, by Eminem.
30. ‘Dirrty’, by Christina Aguilera ft. Redman
31. ‘Crazy In Love’, by Beyoncé