Pop

981. ‘Everytime’, by Britney Spears

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Britney scores back-to-back chart-toppers for the second time in her career, with a track that’s the polar opposite to the throbbing ‘Toxic’.

Everytime, by Britney Spears (her 5th of six #1s)

1 week, 20th – 27th June 2004

Brit was never one for pure ballads. Her slower numbers – ‘Sometimes’, ‘Lucky’ – still had lots of poppy, Max Martin touches. ‘Everytime’ stands alone in her discography for how sparse it is. It’s held together by a music box riff, which is beautiful, and which deconstructs itself towards the end, just as if the box needed to be wound-up again. The song does build, slowly, with ominous strings, but it never feels cluttered.

Stripping the production back like that leaves the slightly scary proposition of Britney’s voice being front and centre. No, she’s not the best singer. And no, her voice is not in its element here (you can hear lines in the chorus where she has been, shall we say, digitally supported.) But I think it adds vulnerability, the fact that she holds back, doesn’t over sing, and is allowed to be imperfect.

It’s also helped now by what we know of Britney’s mental state over the past couple of decades. The inspiration for the song was her break-up with Justin Timberlake, an alleged abortion, and her anger at his #2 hit ‘Cry Me a River’ (which I guess makes ‘Everytime’ another answer song!) Tawdry speculation was rife – proving her point, really – and controversy ensued when the video appeared to show Britney killing herself in a bathtub, being rushed to hospital, and being reborn as a baby in the ward next door.

Let’s be bold, and call this a jewel in Britney’s discographic crown. But let’s also admit that it’s not among my very favourites of hers, because upbeat almost always trumps weepy for me, and because it’s hard to compete with a trio of all-timers like ‘…Baby One More Time’, ‘Oops…! I Did It Again’, and ‘Toxic’.

Let’s keep up the hyperbole though, and claim that Britney’s breathy delivery here invented the modern ‘cursive’ singing trend. Maybe the new-born baby in the video was actually Billie Eilish? And in the slightly odd falsetto parts, can I claim to hear Kate Bush…? Or is that hyperbolism taken too far?

‘Everytime’ was Britney Spears’ tenth UK Top 10 hit, and looked for a while like it might have been her last #1. She has one more to come, in eight years’ time, and a lot will happen to her between 2004 and then. And yet, she will keep churning out the hits – seven more Top 10s before that 2012 postscript, to be exact – and keep being, for better or worse, probably the most famous woman on the planet.

974. ‘Toxic’, by Britney Spears

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All the best pop songs are weird…

Toxic, by Britney Spears (her 4th of six #1s)

1 week, 7th – 14th March 2004

That’s my sweeping statement for today. Glance down my list of the Very Best Number Ones, for a start. Yes, there are a few classic, fairly straightforward pop songs. ‘She Loves You’, ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’, ‘The Winner Takes It All’… These songs do exist, in the hands of the ultimates: The Beatles, Marvin Gaye, ABBA… Most of them are though, at least in part, weird: ‘Relax’s spurting, ‘Believe’s autotune, ‘Your Woman’s 1930s sample… all weird. ‘Telstar’, ‘Space Oddity’, ‘I Feel Love’… weird, weird, weird.

Enter ‘Toxic’, one of pop’s great, weird moments. It is so crammed with odd little bits: Bollywood strings, surf guitars, techno synths, so cluttered that it shouldn’t work. It at times sounds artificially sped up, then slowed down, and the beat sounds just that ever-so-slightly off. ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ was, apparently, a reference point. Spears’ voice is fed through every distorting, vocoding, auto-tuning software known to man. It comes dangerously close, time and again, to being too much.

But it is not too much. It is just enough. Perfect, even, if the goal was to mimic the effects of being poisoned by something toxic. Its beauty lies in the little moments – the way the strings change direction in the second verse, the moments’ static before the second chorus. And yes, it set the tone for pop music to come. Every little bleep and squelch is intentional, and what pop music sounds like now in the attention-deficit age. Instantly ear-catching. No two verses or choruses identical. No patience for hanging around.

It’s why this decade has had some, largely female driven, brilliantly zany pop moments. It’s also why, say, ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’ couldn’t happen in the 21st century, as it builds too slowly. (Though ‘She Loves You’ is thrillingly modern, the way it barrels in chorus-first.) ‘Toxic’ also provides a comparison with Britney’s debut single, at number one exactly five years before. ‘….Baby One More Time’ is a pop song in the classic sense, from the previous century, and sounds like it next to this record.

Britney probably had little to no input into how this song sounded, but that doesn’t mean it could have come from any old singer. It was written for Janet Jackson, and turned down by Kylie; but I can’t imagine either of them performing this. I’m not sure what Britney does, but she does something, and that’s star quality. No, actually, one thing she does is give us another iconically weird pronunciation. Step aside ‘baybay’; hello ‘talk Sikh’.

That intro was not quite me crowning ‘Toxic’ as my next Very Best, by the way; though it will of course be in the running. 2004 was Britney’s most successful chart-topping year, with another, very different, number one to come. One thing I’m fairly confident about is the next #1 won’t be troubling that particular decision…

973. ‘Mysterious Girl’, by Peter Andre

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Well over seven years since his last number one, Aussie-Cypriot adonis Peter Andre is back, back, back baby…

Mysterious Girl, by Peter Andre (his 3rd and final #1)

1 week, 29th February – 7th March 2004

What was behind this comeback, if indeed we can call it so? It wasn’t with new material, as ‘Mysterious Girl’ had been his breakthrough single back in 1995. It was a much more prosaic, and very 21st century, reason: an appearance on ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’, and a subsequent campaign by Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles.

So, the reason behind the re-release may be tawdry, but make no mistake: ‘Mysterious Girl’ is a great pop song. Given the very average nature of Andre’s two original number ones, the fact that this had originally peaked at #2 could be seen as something of an injustice. But better late than never!

It’s interesting how, covering every number one single, you don’t really notice changes in sound as they happen. But surrounded by pop songs nine years younger, ‘Mysterious Girl’ sounds at once dated, and yet glorious. It’s easy to forget just how reggae-tinged the charts of the mid-nineties were, with acts like Chaka Demus & Pliers, Pato Banton and, of course, Shaggy, all making top spot.

Many must have originally assumed that it was Shaggy himself providing the rap on this track, but no. Bubbler Ranx has a great name, and is a big part of what makes this a good song, but he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry (or a credit on this record.) Meanwhile, Peter Andre acquits himself well, but it would be easy to argue that he is the least important part of this track, behind Ranx, and all the classic – and fairly cheesy – reggae and lovers’ rock touches.

Then there’s the famous video, which features a Thai model called, no joke, Champagne. Did Peter Andre ever get close to this mysterious girl? Not likely, if her facial expression through much of the video is anything to go by. Though even she had to play second fiddle to the real star of the show: Andre’s six-pack.

Though I do enjoy this song, its belated success was a double-edged sword… It meant that the seemingly forgotten Peter Andre was thrust back into the British popular consciousness. It meant we got to witness his relationship with Katie Price (anyone remember their cover of ‘A Whole New World’ – #12 in 2006 – or has everyone collectively bleached that from memory?) his descent into whatever reality TV show would have him, all the way to a job on GB News…

Finally – and this is the info you come to this blog for, really – I can reveal that this is only the second song in the history of the British charts to reach number one on February 29th. And if anyone can tell me what the first was (without checking!) I will be very impressed.

971. ‘With a Little Help from My Friends’, by Sam & Mark

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Where a Pop Idol winner is, the runners-up can’t be far behind. Two weeks behind, to be precise…

With a Little Help From My Friends, by Sam & Mark (their 1st and only #1)

1 week, 15th – 22nd February 2004

Sam Nixon and Mark Rhodes had finished second and third respectively behind Michelle McManus, and had wasted no time in deciding that they were stronger together. Simon Fuller signed them, and they quickly cobbled together this pointless cover of the Beatles classic.

Pointless, because it’s hard to outdo the Beatles when you’re talented, much less when you’re Sam or Mark. And pointless because ‘With a Little Help From My Friends’ has been at number one twice already, through Joe Cocker’s definitive cover, and Wet Wet Wet’s peppy charity version. But the sinister minds behind reality TV puppets rarely show much imagination, so here we are.

This record is certainly pointless, but is it bad? Well, yes, and no. It’s bad, because it’s cheesy, and cheap, and unnecessary. It has lots of Beatles-y touches, as if you’d asked AI to play a Beatles song but to make it sound like it came from a Pop Idol act in 2004. Except in 2004 we were blissfully AI free, and so someone must have actually sat down at a mixing desk and created this trash. At the same time though, there’s still a decent pop song buried in there. It’s catchy, and perky, and appealing if you’re eleven years old and completely unaware of this song’s history.

‘With a Little Help From My Friends’, and the very literal video in which Sam and Mark move into a house together, with a little help from their friends, was the first example of what would become a popular X-Factor trope: the cheeky chappy. Despite the gay subtext of the video, Sam and Mark weren’t a couple; they were two jack-the-lads, here for a good time not a long time, as long as all the fun was PG-rated. These cheeky chaps often came in duos – off the top of my head I’m thinking Journey South and, um, Jedward – but not exclusively. X Factor’s ultimate lad star was, of course, Olly Murs. None of this is original, X Factor never was, and you could argue that Simon Cowell’s Robson & Jerome were the prototype of this dynamic, while Robbie Williams made ‘loveable lad’ his own personal brand in his early solo years. But reality TV really went with it, as it was a character type that appealed both to the teenage girls watching, and their mums (and probably even their grannies).

Looking at them now, Sam and Mark feel quite familiar, but also very foreign. Reality TV, despite creating ‘famous’ people by the truckload, was the start of the end for old-school celebrity. Social media accelerated the cull, and now everyone seems to want their celebs to be normal, and relatable, and just like them. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’d much prefer my famous people to have pet chimps and at least five marital partners. At the same time, and without wanting to get personal, Sam and Mark still appear ordinary. Social media has made ordinary people famous, but they don’t look ordinary nowadays. In 2026, Sam and Mark would both have six packs, and fades, and Turkey teeth, and probably a protein drink brand. In 2004, they genuinely look like people you’d meet down the pub. (Actually, writing this post has caused me to dredge up long-supressed memories of finding chubby-cheeked Sam quite cute back in the day…)

Moving swiftly on. As with Michelle McManus, Sam and Mark’s voices are begging a question… How did they end up almost winning a singing competition? Maybe it’s the banal material, but neither of them sound like particularly good vocalists. And to be fair, their singing careers didn’t last long. For one more single, to be precise. They moved into TV and radio, both as a duo and alone, and managed to stay in national-level work well into the 2010s. Mark’s most recent Wikipedia entry has him as a DJ on BBC West Midlands, while Sam was last seen as Buttons in ‘Cinderella’ at the Theatre Royal Wakefield.

One final piece of housekeeping: many sources list this as a double-A side with something called ‘Measure of a Man’. Thankfully the Official Charts Company do not, and so I haven’t had to listen to it, and can clock off early today.

The audio quality in the above video is a bit off, so to hear Sam & Mark in the 4k quality a song like this deserves click below:

963. ‘Slow’, by Kylie Minogue

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And so Kylie manages to squeeze one more chart-topper out of her early ‘00s comeback.

Slow, by Kylie Minogue (her 7th of eight #1s)

1 week, 9th – 16th November 2003

Some chart-watchers dismiss number ones such as this, bought by Kylie’s fans rather than the general public, but I think they are a valuable chart asset, helping songs to the top that might not make it otherwise. Okay, we can blame most of Westlife’s endless parade of bland #1s on this phenomenon, but still. I’ll stand my ground. Instead of calling them ‘non-number ones’, as many do, I like to think of them as ‘fanbase hits’.

It’s especially appreciated when it sends songs as sexy and slinky as this to the top. Of all Kylie’s chart-toppers, this is the furthest left-field. The monotonous beat, the cool sheen, the fluttering heartbeat synths. And Kylie purring into the mic as if she were a tiger about to devour its prey. ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ was a weird record (as massive smash hits go), and ‘Slow’ is that song’s even weirder cousin. Had it been recorded by a cool electronic act like Goldfrapp or Hot Chip – and it could have been – then it wouldn’t have come anywhere near number one. Hence why ‘fanbase hits’ can be a good thing.

In fact, her singing style here is very different to the earlier versions of Kylie – a sort of breathy, doll-like style – and is one that she’s used for the best part of two decades now. Maybe it was age getting the better of her voice, though she was only thirty-six when this made #1, but it has grown even more nasal as the years have gone by. (And that, readers, is as close as you’ll ever hear me get to bad-mouthing Kylie.)

Though I will also admit to finding ‘Slow’ a bit slow at the time. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, or maybe I was still too busy spinning Fatman Scoop, but it felt a little like a non-event. Listening now, I can see how wrong I was. ‘Slow’ is an interesting pop record, an experimental pop record, another fascinating detour in the long career of Kylie (the almost sixteen years between this and ‘I Should Be So Lucky’ was a record for a female act at the time).

‘Slow’ also features a fabulous middle eight. In a career littered with camp moments, Kylie has never sounded gayer than when uttering the read my… body language line. What makes it even better is that it’s basically a well-placed plug for the album. Kylie breaking the fourth wall: iconic. In fact, ‘Body Language’ is regarded as one of her very best LPs, and the two later singles from it were also great (‘Red Blooded Woman’ and the even slower and sexier ‘Chocolate’), though it is generally over-looked for the two, better-selling albums that came before.

For two decades and more, this appeared to have been Kylie’s seventh and final UK chart-topper. But then a Christmas miracle occurred, and she managed an eighth, twenty-two years on. Which was amazing. Though also slightly annoying, because I’ll have to postpone my ‘Kylie Best of the Rest’ post until around 2030…

961. ‘Hole in the Head’, by Sugababes

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Sugababes return for their third album, and a third chart-topping single. But is this the forgotten Sugababes #1?

Hole in the Head, by Sugababes (their 3rd of six #1s)

1 week, 19th – 26th October 2003

On the face of it, not much has changed since their chart-topping double whammy of the year before. Same catchy, street-smart beats (musically this is an interesting mix of an R&B rhythm with an almost banjo-ey twang). Same sass. Seven hours since you closed the door, Started a diet, Got a manicure… They miss that boy like a hole in the head, to the point where they would kiss their own arses before thinking of him. The logistics of which escape me, but I like the sentiment.

Yet, this business-as-usual approach makes the song, decent as it is, come across as a little basic when compared to ‘Round Round’, and especially to ‘Freak Like Me’. Those two hits were at the forefront of a shift in pop music, from turn of the century bubblegum to beefier 21st century beats. Since then we’ve seen great pop records from Christina, t.A.T.u, Beyoncé, among others, and so you might have hoped for something bigger and bolder from the Sugababes’ return. Not to mention that Girls Aloud were threatening their ‘biggest girl group in the land’ crown.

If this had come out a year earlier I might have hailed it as revolutionary. As it is, I hail it as a decent pop record, but a bit of a retread. The Sugababes had done better, and have better to come. Also, and perhaps this is intentional, even the lyrics creak under a bit of scrutiny. The sass is almost performative. They are so adamant that they don’t miss this ex, that you start to wonder if the ladies doth protest too much.

Sugababes third album was, for me, a little bit of a step backwards, especially in terms of its singles. None of the others would make #1, meaning that it’ll be a couple of years before they return to these pages. Meanwhile, Girls Aloud had started churning out pop classic after pop classic. Not that it was much of a rivalry, except in the fevered minds of now middle-aged gay men (myself included), but GA did feel like the fresher force back in 2003. Interestingly though, ‘Hole in the Head’ was produced by Brian Higgins and Xenomania, who were much better known for their work with, yes, Girls Aloud.

956. ‘Crazy in Love’, by Beyoncé

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The song of the summer for 2003, for the noughties, perhaps for all time…

Crazy in Love, by Beyoncé (her 1st of six solo #1s)

3 weeks, 6th – 27th July 2003

It comes in strong. The way those horns slam in, taking the door off its hinges, making everyone withing a mile-radius jump to their feet. The first words uttered are Jay-Z’s Yes! It’s hard to imagine a more upbeat start to a pop song.

I’m not usually one to describe something as ‘joyous’, and would narrow my eyes at any song that someone described in that way. But it just fits as a description here. For a song that is about being head over heels in love, it ticks every box. From the blaring horns – a sample from the Chi-Lites’ 1970 recording ‘Are You My Woman (Tell Me So)’ – to the uh-oh-uh-oh-oh-no-no fills. From the grab you by the shoulders chorus to the glorious middle-eight, written by Beyoncé herself: Got me lookin’, So crazy my baby…

Hooks, hooks all the way. I’m listening to it now with a smile across my face, despite hearing it almost every day that summer and pretty regularly ever since. It’s the real litmus test of a classic: is it good in an art gallery stand-and-admire-it sort of way, or is it good in a still-gets-you-up-dancing-twenty-three-years-later sort of way? ‘Crazy in Love’ is firmly in the latter camp. It feels trite to say, but it still sounds fresh all these years on.

It also announces Beyoncé, who had of course enjoyed two #1s with Destiny’s Child, as the female star of the ‘00s. It wasn’t her debut solo single – that had been ‘Work It Out’, a #7 from the ‘Austin Powers: Goldmember’ soundtrack, and a perfectly serviceable soul-funk track – but it did feel like it. Plus there was the intrigue of Jay-Z guesting, and the rumours about their relationship being more than just purely musical.

*I must admit to having to add an edit here, as after writing the entire post I have just discovered that Jay-Z is NOT credited on the single, or by the Official Charts Company… I had always just assumed this was ‘Beyoncé ft. Jay-Z’!*

In fact, it’s interesting to approach this from the angle of Jay-Z actually being the bigger solo star at the time. He’d first appeared in the Top 10 back in 1997, and had enjoyed several big feature hits over the years, as well as his own #2 ‘Annie’ remake, ‘Hard Knock Life’ in 1998. ‘ft. Jay-Z’ became a pop song cliché in the ‘00s, as ‘ft. Pitbull’ would in the ‘10s, but he was a genuine chart force. In fact, ‘03 Bonnie and Clyde’ had been a #2 hit a few months earlier, as Jay-Z ft. Beyoncé, as a sort of soft-launch of their romantic-slash-professional relationship.

From this point on though, Beyoncé would be the bigger star. The biggest female pop star of the century? Possibly, though I would argue that she has never produced a moment bigger than this, her ‘debut’ solo single. That’s not a criticism; it would be hard for anyone to top a track as good as this. The only one of her following five chart-toppers that comes close to this is… Well, I won’t give that away. All I’ll say is that it’s a duet with the one woman who can rival her for the ‘female star of the century’ title…

948. ‘All the Things She Said’, by t.A.T.u

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Up next, on UK Number Ones Blog. Schoolgirls…! Lesbians…! Russians…! Are you ready to clutch your pearls??

All the Things She Said, by t.A.T.u (their 1st and only #1)

4 weeks, 2nd February – 2nd March 2003

I well remember the furore about t.A.T.u, about this song, and about the video. And we’ll get to the furore in a minute. But it’s a shame that this song is remembered for the fact that it featured ‘lesbian’ schoolgirls, and that there were bans left, right and centre, and not because it’s a great pop song.

Because it really is. It’s an electro-grunge-dance mashup, with crunching power chords, at least two great synth riffs, and a brilliant shoutalong chorus. It’s cool, edgy, and yet retains a catchy Eurotrash edge. The two girls’ voices have a fairy-like high pitch, and a memorable way of pronouncing the English lyrics, AKA the ABBA-effect. It’s brilliant fun to yell out Have I lost my mind… mimicking the Russian accent (the original version is called ‘Ya Soshla S Uma’ in Russian – the lyrics were re-written but retained the lesbian content). The man responsible for the re-write, and the production, was synth pop royalty Trevor Horn, who of course gave us the Buggles, but who has also had input on chart-toppers from Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Boyzone, to LeAnn Rimes.

This, plus ‘Sound of the Underground’, as well as ‘Dirrty’, and Sugababes’ two 2002 #1s, were all part of the vanguard, dragging pop away from millennial bubblegum and glitchy R&B and into a future of big beefy power chords, and big beefy choruses. (It’s perhaps no coincidence that while listening to ‘All the Things She Said’ when writing this post, Spotify auto-played Lady Gaga’s 2011 hit ‘Judas’ straight after). I’d say that this record was overshadowed by a couple of other, huge pop tunes that come later on this year, but I’d also say that the controversy it created also didn’t help it retain credibility. (It is on its way back, though, and is poised to re-enter the charts following a feature on the ‘Heated Rivalry’ soundtrack.)

Predictably, conservative outlets criticised the song and the video for promoting homosexuality and paedophilia. The two members of t.A.T.u were fifteen at the time, but they do little more than kiss in the video. Cultural figures like Richard and Judy were moved to campaign against it, though. Meanwhile, more liberal voices criticised the fact that t.A.T.u – Lena Katina and Julia Volkova – were just playing at being gay as a record-shifting gimmick, a fact given credence by the fact that both women have since denied being in a relationship, while Volkova has made anti-gay statements (though that’s potentially a sensible career move in Putin’s Russia).

Perhaps surprisingly, t.A.T.u were not one-hit wonders. They remain the only Russian act to have topped the UK singles chart. The shouty drum ‘n’ bass of ‘Not Gonna Get Us’ made #7 later in the year, and the lead single from their follow-up album ‘All About Us’ made #8 in 2005. They also did Eurovision. I actually bought that second album, and can attest to the quality of that single and one of the follow-ups, ‘Loves Me Not’, both of which were similarly angsty electro-grunge. t.A.T.u were certainly one-trick ponies – shouty faux-lesbian electro – but it just so happens that shouty faux-lesbian electro is right up my street.

946. ‘Sound of the Underground’, by Girls Aloud

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If anyone wants to attempt an argument for TV talent shows not being the death of popular music, then this is usually the first (and perhaps only) piece of credible evidence they can produce… Girls Aloud.

Sound of the Underground, by Girls Aloud (their 1st of four #1s)

4 weeks, 22nd December 2002 – 19th January 2003

The Christmas #1 for 2002, by the winning girl group from ‘Popstars – The Rivals’, is the best talent show #1 so far by miles, and miles. It may be the best ever, because it remains a brilliantly fresh pop record, and the descending guitar lick that takes us to the chorus still sounds thrilling.

Guitars? In a pop record? By a girl group? In 2025, in a world with Olivia Rodrigo and Billie Eilish, that sounds perfectly believable. But that’s because acts like Girls Aloud made it so, by blurring the lines between pop and rock, cool and uncool, indie and manufactured. When I was going to indie nights at the student union a couple of years after this had been at number one, you were just as likely to hear Girls Aloud as you were the Arctic Monkeys. And hey, naming your manufactured TV pop group’s debut single ‘Sound of the Underground’ is a pretty ballsy move.

Speaking of the guitars, with this coming a few weeks after Las Ketchup, is it too soon to claim an early noughties surf rock revival? I can think of at least one more upcoming, classic #1 that will also feature them. It has to be said, if you had ‘Sound of the Underground’ described to you before ever hearing it – a TV singing contest girl group, surf guitars, drum ‘n’ bass beat – you’d be forgiven for expecting a car crash.

This, and Sugababes’ two chart-toppers from earlier in the year, set pop music on its way for the rest of the decade. Girls Aloud were the Spice Girls – fun, playful, gobby – to Sugababes’ All Saints – cooler, more attitude, looked like they could handle themselves in a fight. But they needed one another to bounce off; I don’t remember it ever being painted in the press as a rivalry. And of course, the two groups would eventually release a chart-topping duet.

We should take a moment to remember One True Voice, the boyband ‘rivals’ of Girls Aloud. The premise of ‘Popstars – The Rivals’ was that the two groups would release their debut singles the week before Christmas, and the winner would get the festive #1. (Though it would have been hilarious if neither had…) In the end, Girls Aloud sold 213,000 copies that week, almost 70,000 more than One True Voice’s single ‘Sacred Trust’, a rather more predictable, disco-lite ballad (which I’m listening to now for the first time in twenty-three years, and actually quite enjoying…)

One True Voice lasted for exactly one more single, which limped to #10. Girls Aloud, meanwhile, did a little better… We needn’t have worried that they might peak with their debut for, as good as ‘Sound of the Underground’ is, they have at least five better singles in their arsenal. This was the first of twenty consecutive Top 10 hits, right through to 2009. Sadly not enough of them made number one, but when I do my Girls Aloud – Best of the Rest post it will be wall-to-wall bangers.

942. ‘Dirrty’, by Christina Aguilera ft. Redman

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Louder, for the people in the cheap seats: If you ain’t dirty, You ain’t here to par-tay…

Dirrty, by Christina Aguilera (her 3rd of four #1s) ft. Redman

2 weeks, 17th November – 1st December 2002

Enter Xtina. Although last time we met her was in a boudoir in the Moulin Rouge, and although she’d always been the naughty one compared to rival Britney, I remember seeing the video to ‘Dirrty’ for the first time and being, as the kids say, shook.

Backing up my idea that 2002 was the moment the 21st century started, musically speaking, this is very modern pop. Gone are the staccato beats of millennial R&B. Gone is the bubblegum of the late ‘90s. In are clanking industrial chords, a scuzzy bassline, and huge vocals. This is the pop music of Rihanna, of Gaga, of a hundred other wannabes in the past twenty years. Pop music turned up to 11.

And yes, lyrically, it’s filth. I need that (uh) to get me off, Sweat until my clothes come off… Xtina announces before each chorus. It’s a classic good-girl-gone-bad song, in which a previously (semi)innocent pop princess launches headfirst into her slut era. Britney did it with ‘I’m a Slave 4 U’. Holly Valance made #1 with her debut single using the same trick. But nobody has done with as much as gusto as Christina. In previous posts I’ve taken issue with her over-singing, but here her belting works. This is no time for subtlety.

It’s also modern in its female singer plus guest rapper dynamic. Again, this is the format that many pop songs, and many number ones, will take over the next decade. I’ve no idea who Redman was, and doubt I’ve ever heard another song by him, but he’s a big part of this one’s success, from the If you ain’t dirty… call, to his line about being blessed and hung low, to him punching a giant rabbit in the video. In fact, the entire song is based around his 2001 original ‘Let’s Get Dirty’.

Ah, the video. As great as this record is in audio, it needs to be seen for it to have its full effect. Christina writhes, grinds, simulates masturbation, and invents the slut-drop, all while wearing some iconic, red leather, ass-less chaps. There’s foxy-boxing, mud-wrestling, female weightlifters, and signs in Thai that read ‘Young Underage Girls’ (a step too far, I will admit, and one which got a lot of criticism at the time).

Is it all a bit much? Is it vulgar? Is it pandering to straight male fantasies? To which I’d say: Yes, but who cares. Definitely, but who cares. And I’m not an authority on such matters. I will say though, a close (straight male) friend at the time spent hours a day requesting this video on music channels, waiting breath-baited on the edge of his bed for it to come on. He eventually recorded it onto a VHS… Which is a very hard to imagine scenario post-YouTube, but it was how we teenage millennials had to get our kicks. As for me, as much as I loved this song at time, it pretty much confirmed my homosexuality, as all I could think was how much Christina lived up to the song’s title, looking like she hadn’t showered in days.

I’ll end with the end, the final beat of the song after almost five minutes of writhing and grinding. In which Christina turns to the audience and asks Uh… What? As if daring you to criticise this gloriously inappropriate, slutty masterpiece.