Should Have Been a #1…? ‘They Don’t Know’, by Tracey Ullman

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Thanks again to our guest writers this week, who have donated fine posts on the Stones, Wizzard, ‘Crimson and Clover’, and the very concept of being ‘number one’... Our final guest post of the week comes from Kevin (AKA freddybobs) with the record he wishes could have taken that final step up to the number one position. And it’s another classic…

As in sport, getting to number one can grant you immortality, but the runners-up are yesterday’s jam in no time at all. So it is that ‘Karma Chameleon’ is still ubiquitous 40-plus years on, but you never hear a song that it kept pegged at number two for two weeks in the autumn of 1983.  I speak of “They Don’t Know” by Tracey Ullman.

They Don’t Know, by Tracey Ullman

#2 for 2 weeks in October 1983, behind ‘Karma Chameleon’

I think it’s one of the great love songs. No, I really do. It’s not a power ballad, because it doesn’t need to be. There’s no desperation or yearning or heartache to tell of; it’s a simple and joyful paean to young love where the only thing that matters is being with that one person, regardless of what others think. Because you know, and they don’t.

Kirsty MacColl was nineteen when she wrote it, and took the original version all the way up to #62 in 1979.  Some prefer her version, but for me Tracey’s cartoon-character voice sounds younger, and contributes to the overall feel of wide-eyed innocence.

The song opens with wedding chimes, lolloping piano and Tracey singing wistfully about her love for her own Prince Charming despite the disapproval of everyone she knows.  The words she uses describe something universal. I get a feeling when I look at you, she sings.  We don’t know what that feeling is, but we definitely recognise it. And her friends? When they look at you, they don’t see what I see... These are not complicated sentiments, they’re very simple; but they say more about the helpless joy of young love than a dozen Celine Dion songs ever could. And ultimately, the denouement: They’ve never heard of love.  No, they don’t understand; they couldn’t possibly. 

The song’s innocent feel is enhanced by its strong ’60s and Phil Spector influences. There’s definitely some Ronettes or Shangri-Las there, particularly in the “do do do” backing vocals in the middle-eight – ironically from Kirsty herself – as is the “Bay-bee” crescendo, a couple of notes that Tracey couldn’t quite reach…

The song was accompanied by a cheap and cheerful video featuring Tracey getting ready for a date at the bowling alley, blotting her lipstick with the Marc Bolan pics on the wall and pointing excitedly at her engagement ring. Then she sees his terrible attempts at bowling and grimaces at his awful shoes, but it doesn’t matter; she loves his faults as well. At the end, she’s wearing slippers at the supermarket; she’s dowdy, with a child in the trolley and another on the way. But “they” weren’t proved right. She fantasises about Paul McCartney and rolls her eyes when her moustachioed hero pinches her ass, but her joyfulness is undiminished.

And that’s one of the two elements that make this song so poignant. The song captures a feeling that everyone has at some stage or other, but yes, it’s bound to fade. No-one wants to live with that intensity forever, but it’s a shame it’s gone. 

The other element, of course, is Kirsty MacColl’s death aged just forty-one in Mexico in 2000. She debuted with her version, and the whole premise of the song – embarking on one of life’s great adventures – mirrors her own tentative steps into the music business.  And tragically, she died while there were still so many adventures ahead of her.

‘They Don’t Know’ was the second of three top ten hits by Tracey Ullman in 1983. She had a couple of minor hits in 1984 and then decided her pop career had probably peaked. So she resumed her comedy career to great success in the USA, where of course she premiered ‘The Simpsons’.

But yes, this stalled at number two behind ‘Karma Chameleon’, a frothy and lightweight zillion-seller, condemning this fabulous song to be forgotten before that year’s Christmas decorations were up. No-one ever said it was fair, but it would have been nice if Tracey and Kirsty had sneaked just a week from Boy George. For young lovers everywhere.

Thanks again freddybobs, and everyone else who has contributed a post, a like or a comment this week. And to everyone who has voted in our ultimate #1s polls below, too. There are still 24 hours to vote before I reveal the results, and it remains close!

What Does It Mean to Be Number One…?

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For our fourth guest post of the week, Keith (AKA nostalgicitalian) is pondering a philosophical point that all music lovers will have contended with at some time… The enduring popularity of terrible songs.

My friend Stewart, over at The UK Number Ones Blog reached out a while back and asked if I’d participate in a guest feature. By the time this posts, his site will have almost reached its 1000th number one song. This guest post is to help celebrate that amazing achievement.

Stewart gave us guest writers a lot of freedom. We could write whatever we want, as long as it has a connection to the “top of the charts.” With that being said, let’s pause for a moment and define “number one.”

According to Merriam-Webster: “Number one most commonly refers to the primary, most important, or highest-ranking person, thing, or priority in a given group.” I like this definition a little bit better: “Something that is first in rank or highest in quality.”

In other words, a number one song should be something of high quality. It should be the “best” song on the chart, but that isn’t always the case. You can glance over every Billboard Hot 100 chart and see for yourself here.

As I looked over the charts, I found that there were plenty of songs that had me wondering, “Just how did that piece of garbage go to number one?!” For starters, here is a quick list of number one songs from the 1960’s that left me shaking my head: ‘Alley Oop’, ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’, ‘Mr. Custer’, ‘Sukiyaki’, ‘Dominique’, ‘Ringo’, ‘Winchester Cathedral’, and ‘Honey’.  Some of them were number one for multiple weeks! 

I realize that some of those would be considered novelty songs. Novelty songs would begin to fade from the chart in the ’80s, but there were still some that hit number one in the ’70s.  Who can forget ‘The Candy Man’, ‘My Ding-a-Ling’, ‘The Streak’, and the awful ‘Disco Duck’?  Maybe I should rephrase the question to read “Who would like to forget them?” When you go back to the definition, is Disco Duck “something that is first in rank or highest in quality?” I highly doubt it! 

In 1996, the ‘Macarena’ was number one for a whopping fourteen weeks!  For what it is worth, it was a dance craze (much like ‘The Twist’ in the ’60s, which also went to number one).  It played at weddings and parties as well as on the radio.  It truly was popular, but was it really the best song of 1996?  There were only nine number one songs that year. You could argue that ‘One Sweet Day’ from Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men (11 weeks) or ‘Because You Loved Me’ from Celine Dion (6 weeks) were better songs, but musical tastes are subjective.

While I don’t find myself listening to much “current” music, there are certainly songs that fall into that category that I like.  However, I will offer one more song that I cannot believe spent multiple weeks at number one. Consider 2020’s ‘The Box’ by Roddy Rich. It contains many uses of the F-word and the N-word, and references to female genitalia, sexual acts and sexual innuendo. This was an 11-week number one song.

If a number one song should represent the “highest in quality,” and considering the songs presented above, does a song reaching number one really mean anything? I used to believe it did, but looking back I’m not so sure. One is just a number.

Keith writes about music, pop culture and life at nostalgicitalian.com. Thanks again Keith, for an original take on our topic. And for not giving in to nostalgia, and for pointing out that crap songs have been around for just as long as good ones!

I think this post is the perfect companion for our ongoing polls, in which you can choose your ‘best’ and ‘worst’ from my own favourite and least-favourite chart-toppers. Well over three-hundred and fifty votes have been cast so far, and it is still very tight at the top of both polls. Every vote counts! Results will go out on Sunday.

The Billboard Hot 100 Vs The UK Singles Chart

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Our next guest post comes from another long-time follower, who joined our journey sometime around the late 1950s. Max (aka Badfinger) blogs on music and pop culture at powerpop.blog, and has kept up with our wanderings through the charts even though we left his preferred ’60s and ’70s eras behind a while back. Today he’s writing about a lost hit from that time, and how it highlights the differences between the charts on either side of the Atlantic…

When I was growing up, my sister had this single. It was cracked, so she taped the B-side with scotch tape, and I would listen to it over and over. Of course, it went like “Crimson and Clov-CLICK-er.” But I didn’t care; it was a great song to me even with the hideous CLICK.

Now to the subject of the post. I’ve always been fascinated by how some bands could be huge in one country and barely make a dent in another. In America, we missed out on a lot of British acts like T. Rex, Status Quo, and Slade. At the same time, the UK never fully embraced some major American artists such as CCR, Bob Seger, and Grand Funk Railroad. They were certainly known there, but they never enjoyed the kind of success they had back home. I always wondered about that in bands and songs.

While I was writing up this song up a few years ago and typing out the chart position of it, I was shocked when I saw a blank in the UK chart position. I thought the source was wrong, so I emailed Stewart; no dice, it didn’t chart. This song is one of those records that proves the charts don’t always make sense. Tommy James and the Shondells were no strangers to success in the UK. ‘Mony Mony‘ had reached No. 1 there. But when it was released in early 1969, it failed to chart at all.

Part of the problem may have been that the song was unlike anything else on the radio at the time. It moved at a slower pace at mid-tempo. The tremolo effects on Tommy James’ voice and guitar gave it a dreamy sound. American audiences loved it. British listeners may have found it a little too different, bubblegum, or old hat. The UK music scene was changing quickly in 1969. Harder rock bands and progressive groups were starting to get more attention.

There is also the possibility that the record simply did not receive the promotion it needed. Maybe ‘Crimson and Clover’ (released January 1969) came too close after ‘Mony Mony’ (March 1968). Tommy James was always a bigger act in the United States and Canada than in Britain. In those days, radio play and television appearances could make a huge difference. If a record was not pushed hard enough, a song could get lost among dozens of new releases arriving every week. Of course, there was always the opposite, such as Ian Dury and the Blockheads, ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, and many others that hit number 1 in the UK and did nothing here.

Just so everyone knows, I’m not knocking the UK for it not charting. It’s just amazing to me, though, how one song can be so big in one country and flop in the other…either way! Whatever the reason, Joan Jett actually charted Crimson and Clover in 1982 at #60 in the UK, and her version peaked at #7 in America and #4 in Canada. At least it made an appearance in the UK Charts!

Thanks again, Max. Everyone else be sure to check out his blogs, through which I’ve discovered so many songs over the years. And don’t forget to vote for the Best and Worst #1s! Results out on Sunday!

My First #1… ‘See My Baby Jive’, by Wizzard

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Today’s guest post comes from long-time follower John, aka popchartfreak, who I believe may have been my first ever commenter, back when each of my posts attracted around 2.5 views. He’s written about the first single he ever parted with cold, hard cash for. And it’s a classic. (Certainly cooler than the first record I ever bought, which was the soundtrack to ‘Joseph and His Technicolour Dreamcoat’.)

How could I celebrate the Number Ones Blog’s anniversary theme? Well, why not my first purchase of a single that was about to hit number one with the help of my pocket money: ‘See My Baby Jive’ by Wizzard, in 1973.

That track triggered in me a massive enthusiasm for Roy Wood, Wizzard, ELO and The Move back-catalogue to boot. Top Of The Pops helped: the outlandishly colourful outfits and makeup on Top Of The Pops and the Phil Spector wall-of-sound-reinvented was thrilling. I loved that record, a sort of glam rock update of the 60’s with added excitement so much so that it sat on top of my personal weekly charts for a record ten weeks.

So what exactly is great about it? In the first five seconds it sounds like an attention-grabbing aeroplane engine on Loud morphing into a furious drum beat, an orchestra strings section, female backing vocals and horns. It’s ten seconds in before Roy starts singing Look out! Look out! The backing singers stay on board throughout, giving it Ronettes vibes through to the hook and back to the verse. There’s no pace let up, the horn section stays big with lots of intricate riffs in the mix, to the instrumental bridge when the strings take centre stage, then the sax, then back to Roy. Verse, chorus, repeat chorus to a crescendo, different parts sung for variation and then to the final sax fizzle out solo via an instrumental bit, oh-oh-ohs, and the kitchen sink thrown in for added excitement. Talk about epic! My jaw still drops at this record, a mini-masterpiece of pop. Love it.

In total, Roy released a trio of Phil Spector-ish hit singles: ‘Angel Fingers’ (another number one) and ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ – a universal Christmas classic that peaked at #4 (behind Slade), and that is still in the UK charts every Christmas fifty-three years later. Roy flirted with all sorts of stuff: ’50s revivalism for Wizzard, and his quirky solo career – album ‘Boulders’ was fabulous, he did 100% everything on the album instrumentally and vocally, hopping from Eurovision gospel to a ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ pastiche of a computer in love. Later, hit single ‘Forever’ was a Beach Boys via Neil Sedaka pastiche, and ‘Going Down The Road’ was bagpipes reggae. The man was a musical hero who could turn his hand to anything. Everybody in the UK still knows who Wizzard are in the 2020’s: that Father-Christmas-decked-out bloke who wishes it could be Christmas everyday! I just wish they could hear ‘See My Baby Jive’ for a change!

Thanks John. A great post on a great song. And a reminder to vote for your best and worst #1s before I reveal the results on Sunday!

Should Have Been a #1…? ’19th Nervous Breakdown’, by The Rolling Stones

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Welcome to the first of a week of guest posts to celebrate reaching our 1000th number one. First up, long-time follower John Van der Kiste gets things underway with an ode to an unruly, and perhaps unlucky, classic from the Stones…

When is a No. 1 not a No. 1? When it’s so controversial that mainstream retailers won’t stock it, and we argue that sales figures were ‘adjusted’ that week to keep it at No. 2? Or, when the Official Charts Company say no while the music press Top 30s suggest otherwise? That was the fate of The Rolling Stones’ ‘19th Nervous Breakdown’.

19th Nervous Breakdown, by The Rolling Stones

#2 for 3 weeks in February & March 1966, behind ‘These Boots Are Made for Walkin”

In the New Musical Express and Melody Maker charts, it enjoyed three weeks in pole position from 19th February 1966. Ditto for BBC TV’s Top of the Pops, which then based its weekly Top 20 on samplings from these and the other music weeklies, Record Mirror and Disc. The OCC, which has the Record Retailer Top 50 charts as its source from 1960 to 1969, made it No. 2 for those three weeks, with Nancy Sinatra’s ‘These Boots Are Made For Walkin’, walkin’ all over them at No. 1. Otherwise it would have given the band seven consecutive chart-toppers between July 1964 and May 1966.

It was written on their autumn 1965 American tour and recorded in December at RCA Studios, California, its title apparently inspired by an exhausted Mick Jagger saying he was about ready for his nineteenth nervous breakdown. As usual he wrote the lyrics, Keith Richards provided the music. However it’s not about work-related stress, but a poor little rich girl who was given everything by her parents, a mother who owed a million dollars tax and a father still perfecting ways of making sealing wax. She had a thousand toys, but still she cried all night. Jagger was moving in high society circles with glamorous girls ready to meet England’s most rebellious rock star if they could, and like Ray Davies of The Kinks, he was happy to satirise them mercilessly. He also sneaked in a subtle drugs reference, maybe to see if it got past the moral guardians: On our first trip I tried so hard to rearrange your mind… Radio and TV missed that.

There are some wonderful musical touches too, like when Brian Jones’ guitar borrows a distinctive lick from Bo Diddley’s ‘Diddley Daddy’, a 1955 American single. Towards the fade, Bill Wyman supplies that notable bass run. ‘I bounced the string with the top of my finger on the pickup, and ran my finger down the string,’ he said. ‘That’s what created that so-called dive-bombing sound.’ Not to mention a guitar fuzz tone on the riff before each chorus, or the sweet and sour vocal harmonies, or Charlie Watts’ superb drum fills and cymbal beats.

Had it not been for The Animals’ ‘House of the Rising Sun’ (4.29) in 1964, at 3.50 this would have been the longest UK No. 1 in terms of playing time until superseded a year later by Procol Harum’s ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’.

Because it wasn’t an ‘official’ No. 1, it seems to have flown a little below the radar on radio playlists. Perhaps it remains that bit more fresh for not having been aired so often as the band’s chart-toppers.

John has recently published a book in the Rock Classics Series on the Stones’ Let it Bleed album, plus an On Track title about Gerry Rafferty, with an On Track on Bob Seger, currently being edited and due for publication in July – all three through Sonicbond.

Don’t forget to vote for your best and worst number ones! I’ll publish the results on Sunday…

1000 Number Ones Down… Vote for Your Favourites (and Least Favourites…)

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Welcome all. We’re on the verge of celebrating a milestone I’m not sure I ever imagined reaching when starting this blog back in January 2018: our 1000th number one!

Before we get to that, from tomorrow we’ll be marking the milestone with a week of guest posts from some of our long-time followers, readers and commenters. And before that, why don’t we open things up to the floor?

Over the past eight and a half years, I’ve published thirty recaps, in which I’ve stopped every thirty (or more recently, fifty) number ones to reflect on chart trends. And, most importantly, to choose a Best and a Worst chart-topper from each recap. Now it’s over to you, to vote on your favourites from my thirty best, and worst, chart-topping singles. At the foot of this post, you’ll find two polls in which you can vote for as many of the songs as you like. I’ll reveal the results in a week, just before covering the 1000th #1. Have at it. This is democracy manifest!

I did the same thing a few years ago (you can see the results here). I’ve wiped those scores, and added the most recent winning records, so even if you voted back then please do so again! I also did a poll for Christmas #1s, and that poll remains open if you’d like to have your say there.

But before all that, I thought it would be fun to go through my stats and see which posts, and which songs, have had the most engagement over the past eight years. (Again, I did this after the 500th #1, and the results were somewhat surprising…) Here are my most viewed posts from each decade covered. Interestingly, none of the current most-viewed posts are the same as those most-viewed after the 500th #1…

1950s – ‘You Belong to Me’, by Jo Stafford

The second-ever UK number one, scoring a week in early 1953 after Al Martino had kicked things off. So I suppose time has been on this post’s side, given that it’s been online since January 2018. And the song was a huge hit in its day, staying on the UK charts (then just a Top 12) for nineteen weeks, and staying at #1 in the US for up to 12 weeks (depending on which chart you look at in those pre-Billboard Hot 100 days).

But still, it is not the first record you think of when someone says ‘the 1950s’. Bill Haley, Elvis and all the other rock and rollers were still a good three years off. A little digging has given a possible explanation for ‘You Belong to Me’ being searched for more often than your average pre-rock ‘n’ roll hit, as it has featured in horror film ‘The Nun’ and TV series ‘Fallout’ in recent years.

1960s – ‘The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore’, by The Walker Brothers

A bit more of a classic this, our most-viewed #1 from the sixties. Still, it ain’t the Beatles or the Stones. One theory I have is that huge, generational hits have so much written about them that any link to my little blog is buried on page 300 of a Google search. Whereas for slightly less famous hits, I might appear higher up in a search.

Also interesting is the fact that you have to scroll pretty far down my list of most-viewed posts to find a #1 from the ’60s. This is, in fact, only my 33rd most viewed chart-topper. There really is quite the disparity between that decade, compared to the seventies and eighties. Even the fifties rates higher on average. I have no theories to posit as to why this might be…

1970s – ‘Whispering Grass’, by Windsor Davies & Don Estelle

Backing up my theory that the least remembered songs do well on little-known blogs such as mine, here are Windsor Davies and Don Estelle singing an old Ink Spots tune, while in character for their roles in ‘It Ain’t Half Hot Mum’. Of all my posts on 1970s number ones, this has had the most views, by quite some distance. In fact, after the homepage, this is the most-viewed chart-topper…

Another idea I have is the ‘bookmark theory’, in which someone bookmarks a particular post rather than the blog homepage, and whenever they return to the site it racks up another view for said random post. So if you are the reader who bookmarked ‘Whispering Grass’, do own up!

1980s – ‘Relax’, by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

The only most-viewed post that matches with the Very Best #1s lists that you can vote on below, ‘Relax’ is an eighties classic. So it makes sense that this is the most viewed post from that decade. But then it leaves me wondering why this is the only one of my ‘most-viewed’ posts to make sense like that…

1990s – ‘The Millennium Prayer’, by Cliff Richard

From a bawdy and controversial eighties classic… to this. Yes, my most viewed post from the decade of Britpop and boybands, the decade that is so ‘in’ with the kids right now, is Cliff Richard at his most God-bothering.

Time isn’t even on this song’s side, as it was the penultimate #1 of the ’90s, so has technically been playing catch-up. At the time of publication, I remember that ‘The Millennium Prayer’ sent my views spiking to their highest-ever levels, causing me to wonder if Cliff’s more rabid fans had spotted it and had been sharing. But then, I was far from complimentary about it, so I also worried that Cliff himself had seen it and was going to come after me with a lawsuit. So far, nothing quite so dramatic has happened…

2000s (so far) – ‘The Masses Against the Classes’, by Manic Street Preachers

And my most-viewed ’00s #1 is the decade’s, and the millennium’s, first. Which lends more credence to the ‘time is on its side’ theory. But I think this was also a beneficiary of the huge spike in views I enjoyed after ‘The Millennium Prayer’, as I published it a few days later and it went similarly viral. Or maybe it’s just popular because it’s such a freaking tune!

Anyway, that’s what people have viewed over the years, and I am always grateful for anyone who takes the time to read any one of my posts. Now it’s time to choose your favourites from my favourite chart-toppers. Take your pick from the Beatles, the Stones, ABBA, Blondie, Bowie, Marvin Gaye, Jerry Lee Lewis, Eminem, Beyonce and, um, Bucks Fizz. Multiple votes are allowed. Vote for them all if you wish!

Or you can indulge your dark side. Who wants to hear the best #1s when you can hate-listen to these horrors from Dana, Engelbert Humperdinck, Westlife, Ray Stevens, Jive Bunny, Donny Osmond, Robson & Jerome and, um, Elvis.

Recap: #951 – #999

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To recap, then.

I’m bringing this latest recap forward by one, so we can extend the big 1000th number one festivities. After the announcement of the latest Very Best #1, we’ll have a poll to decide the Very, Very Best (and very, very worst) #1s up to now. And then special some guest posts!

This is also a landmark recap in itself, as it is the thirtieth time I’ve published one of these posts, in which I pause and reflect on what the past thirty (or more recently, fifty) chart-toppers can tell us about the state of popular music at the time. What conclusions, then, can we draw from the singles that topped the British charts between March 2003 and January 2005?

Two main genres jump out at me. And they are sub-genres that I have largely made up. There’s tacky dance, that genre of mid-‘00s dance in which an old tune gets tarted up and remixed with a basic dance beat. The beat might be disco-ish, or trance-y, but it is always cheap, and tacky. Think LMC’s ‘Take Me to the Clouds Above’, or Shapeshifters’ ‘Lola’s Theme’, or the daddy of them all: Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’. Even Elton John wasn’t beneath it, with his ‘Are You Ready for Love?’ redo. And while they may have been tacky, they were largely always catchy. And decent, even. I do have a lot of time for Room 5’s ‘Make Luv’, for one.

The other sub-genre has been less palatable, for me at least. It’s that slick and gloopy US hip-hop&B, with which American rappers and R&B stars belatedly started to score big British hits. It had been the dominant sound on the Billboard charts since the mid-nineties, but for some reason it really took off in Britain around 2004. Think Usher’s ‘Burn’, Mario Winan’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’, and Ja Rule’s ‘Wonderful’. One theory I have is that with single sales falling, and with these artists tending to be on big labels, they had the marketing clout to fill the gaps and take advantage of the slump.

Again, though, I didn’t dislike all such records. Nelly’s ‘My Place’ and ‘Flap Your Wings’ double-A was fun, and dare we still claim R. Kelly’s remix to ‘Ignition’ as a classic? Meanwhile this period’s biggest hit – Black Eyed Peas’ ‘Where Is the Love?’ – still has a lot of charm to it.

One other ‘genre’ needs mentioning, and it’s one that we’re starting to have to live with. Reality TV stars and talent show winners. It hasn’t felt as egregious this time around, but we’ve still met Pop Idol 2 winner Michelle (a song I did kind of enjoy), and her runners-up Sam & Mark. The X Factor-age began with a whimper from Steve Brookstein, original Pop Idol Will Young bowed out with the impressive ‘Leave Right Now’, while the greatest of all TV contest winners Girls Aloud finally managed a second #1 with a so-so cover of ‘I’ll Stand By You’. Meanwhile, non-singing reality TV accounted for the unexpected return of Peter Andre, and the even more unexpected appearance of Ozzy Osbourne on a chart-topping single.

That leads us to a more niche phenomenon that’s been seen over the past forty-nine number ones: old men. Elton, Ozzy, Oliver Cheatham (with Room 5), Steve Winwood (‘Call on Me’), and most recently Elvis, have all featured on #1 singles while well over the age of fifty. Or while dead.

I’ve hinted at it in an earlier paragraph, but we do need to reckon with just how low single sales fell during this era of the charts. From the latter-half of 2004, the record for the lowest sales for a #1 single has been broken twice, falling as low as 21,262 copies sold by the 999th #1, the re-issue of Elvis’s ‘Jailhouse Rock’. The incorporation of downloads into the charts is not far off, but I will argue that sales being in the doldrums has led to some interesting chart-toppers. I’m not sure if Kylie’s ‘Slow’, or Robbie’s ‘Radio’, or Tomcraft’s ‘Loneliness’ would have troubled the top of the charts in a more robust sales environment.

Before the awards, a shout-out to the most successful act of the past forty-nine… Busted, whose four chart-toppers have all come in this period. They brought rock, of sorts, back to the top of the charts, and paved the way for McFly to carry the torch to far greater heights…

To the awards, then. Starting as usual with the The ‘Meh’ Award for forgettability. All that hip-hop&B has given us plenty of dull chart-toppers, the two most egregious being ‘Burn’ and ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’. There’s also the easy target of Steve Brookstein’s plodding version of ‘Against All Odds’. But I’m going to go with a man who inflicted brain-melting dullness on us not once, but twice. I let Daniel Bedingfield away with ‘If You’re Not the One’ last time, but then he went and repeated the trick. My winner is his third and final #1, the snoozefest ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’. Yawn.

The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else also has a few ripe contenders this time. The double-hander of veteran US MCs Fatman Scoop and DJ Casper, and their eclectic hits ‘Be Faithful’ and ‘Cha Cha Slide’. The bizarre Xmas #1 ‘Mad World’, which I have just about forgiven for blocking The Darkness from the top. The fact that Ozzy Osbourne came anywhere near a chart-topping single… I think it has to go to Fatman Scoop’s slice of shouty nonsense though, if only for the nostalgia of remembering that I bought a copy and contributed to its surprise success.

For the thirtieth Very Worst Chart-Topper I did briefly think of giving it to Eminem, a man who I named as a Very Best Chart-Topper not long ago, for the stunning fall from grace that was ‘Just Lose It’. But no. Towering over everything, and this recap’s clear winner, is the God-awful ‘Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)’ by Eamon. He unleashed ‘ho-wop’ on the world, and the world briefly lapped it up. Shame on us. You may be thinking why Eamon and not his ‘ex-girlfriend’, Frankee? ‘F.U.R.B’ though is a significantly better record, if only for the line about not catching his crabs.

Finally, to the main event. Our latest Very Best Chart-Topper. Surprisingly, given that I usually wing this decision as I write, I have a clear Top 3 this time. In the bronze medal position, it is Tomcraft’s ‘Loneliness’, a dark trance banger, and the only non-tacky dance #1 of recent times. Proof that this blog has finally converted me to dance music! In 2nd, for the second time: Miss Britney Spears with ‘Toxic’. I did really want to give her it after passing over both ‘Baby… One More Time’ and ‘Oops…’, but a slightly better record stood in her way again. That was Beyoncé’s (and Jay-Z’s) Song of the Summer for ’03: the irrepressible ‘Crazy in Love’, a tune that still slaps as hard… does quick maths… TWENTY-THREE! years on. Yikes.

Let’s recap the recaps:

The Meh Award for forgettability

  • ‘Hold My Hand’, by Don Cornell.
  • ‘It’s Almost Tomorrow’, by The Dream Weavers.
  • ‘On the Street Where You Live’, by Vic Damone.
  • ‘Why’, by Anthony Newley.
  • ‘The Next Time’ / ‘Bachelor Boy’, by Cliff Richard & The Shadows.
  • ‘Juliet’, by The Four Pennies.
  • ‘The Carnival Is Over’, by The Seekers.
  • ‘Silence Is Golden’, by The Tremeloes.
  • ‘I Pretend’, by Des O’Connor.
  • ‘Woodstock’, by Matthews’ Southern Comfort.
  • ‘How Can I Be Sure’, by David Cassidy.
  • ‘Annie’s Song’, by John Denver.
  • ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’, by Art Garfunkel.
  • ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ / ‘The First Cut Is the Deepest’, by Rod Stewart.
  • ‘Three Times a Lady’, by The Commodores.
  • ‘What’s Another Year’, by Johnny Logan.
  • ‘A Little Peace’, by Nicole.
  • ‘Every Breath You Take’, by The Police.
  • ‘I Got You Babe’, by UB40 with Chrissie Hynde.
  • ‘Who’s That Girl’, by Madonna.
  • ‘A Groovy Kind of Love’, by Phil Collins.
  • ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, by Band Aid II.
  • ‘Please Don’t Go’ / ‘Game Boy’, by KWS.
  • ‘Dreams’, by Gabrielle.
  • ‘Forever Love’, by Gary Barlow.
  • ‘I Feel You’, by Peter Andre.
  • ‘You Needed Me’, by Boyzone.
  • ‘Holler’ / ‘Let Love Lead the Way’, by The Spice Girls.
  • ‘Stop Living the Lie’, by David Sneddon.
  • ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’, by Daniel Bedingfield

The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else

  • ‘I See the Moon’, by The Stargazers.
  • ‘Lay Down Your Arms’, by Anne Shelton.
  • ‘Hoots Mon’, by Lord Rockingham’s XI.
  • ‘You’re Driving Me Crazy’, by The Temperance Seven.
  • ‘Nut Rocker’, by B. Bumble & The Stingers.
  • ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, by Gerry & The Pacemakers.
  • ‘Little Red Rooster’, by The Rolling Stones.
  • ‘Puppet on a String’, by Sandie Shaw.
  • ‘Fire’, by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
  • ‘In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)’, by Zager & Evans.
  • ‘Amazing Grace’, The Pipes & Drums & Military Band of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard.
  • ‘Kung Fu Fighting’, by Carl Douglas.
  • ‘If’, by Telly Savalas.
  • ‘Wuthering Heights’, by Kate Bush.
  • ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.
  • ‘Shaddap You Face’, by Joe Dolce Music Theatre.
  • ‘It’s My Party’, by Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin.
  • ‘Save Your Love’ by Renée & Renato.
  • ‘Rock Me Amadeus’, by Falco.
  • ‘Pump Up the Volume’ / ‘Anitina (The First Time I See She Dance)’, by M/A/R/R/S.
  • ‘Doctorin’ the Tardis’, by The Timelords.
  • ‘Sadeness Part 1’, by Enigma.
  • ‘Ebeneezer Goode’, by The Shamen.
  • ‘I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)’, by Meat Loaf.
  • ‘Spaceman’, by Babylon Zoo.
  • ‘All Around the World’, by Oasis.
  • ‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’, by Baz Luhrmann.
  • ‘Bound 4 da Reload (Casualty)’, by Oxide & Neutrino.
  • ‘Because I Got High’, by Afroman.
  • ‘Be Faithful’, by Fatman Scoop ft. The Crooklyn Clan

The Very Worst Chart-Toppers

  • ‘Cara Mia’, by David Whitfield with Mantovani & His Orchestra.
  • ‘The Man From Laramie’, by Jimmy Young.
  • ‘Roulette’, by Russ Conway.
  • ‘Wooden Heart’, by Elvis Presley.
  • ‘Lovesick Blues’, by Frank Ifield.
  • ‘Diane’, by The Bachelors.
  • ‘The Minute You’re Gone’, by Cliff Richard.
  • ‘Release Me’, by Engelbert Humperdinck.
  • ‘Lily the Pink’, by The Scaffold.
  • ‘All Kinds of Everything’, by Dana.
  • ‘The Twelfth of Never’, by Donny Osmond.
  • ‘The Streak’, by Ray Stevens.
  • ‘No Charge’, by J. J. Barrie
  • ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’, by David Soul
  • ‘One Day at a Time’, by Lena Martell.
  • ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’, by St. Winifred’s School Choir.
  • ‘I’ve Never Been to Me’, by Charlene.
  • ‘Hello’, by Lionel Richie.
  • ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’, by Foreigner.
  • ‘Star Trekkin’’, by The Firm.
  • ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’, by Glenn Medeiros.
  • ‘Let’s Party’, by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers.
  • ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’, by Bryan Adams.
  • ‘Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)’, by The Outhere Brothers.
  • ‘Unchained Melody’ / ‘White Cliffs of Dover’, by Robson & Jerome.
  • ‘C’est la Vie’, by B*Witched.
  • ‘I Have a Dream’ / ‘Seasons in the Sun’, by Westlife.
  • ‘Do You Really Like It?’, by DJ Pied Piper & Masters of Ceremonies
  • ‘Eternal Flame’, by Atomic Kitten.
  • ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’, by Eamon

The Very Best Chart-Toppers

  1. ‘Such a Night’, by Johnnie Ray.
  2. ‘Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White’, by Perez ‘Prez’ Prado & His Orchestra.
  3. ‘Great Balls of Fire’, by Jerry Lee Lewis.
  4. ‘Cathy’s Clown’, by The Everly Brothers.
  5. ‘Telstar’, by The Tornadoes.
  6. ‘She Loves You’ by The Beatles.
  7. ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’, by The Rolling Stones.
  8. ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’, by Procol Harum.
  9. ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’, by Marvin Gaye.
  10. ‘Baby Jump’, by Mungo Jerry.
  11. ‘Metal Guru’, by T. Rex.
  12. ‘Tiger Feet’, by Mud.
  13. ‘Space Oddity’, by David Bowie.
  14. ‘I Feel Love’, by Donna Summer.
  15. ‘Heart of Glass’, by Blondie.
  16. ‘The Winner Takes It All’, by ABBA.
  17. ‘My Camera Never Lies’, by Bucks Fizz.
  18. ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
  19. ‘You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)’, by Dead or Alive
  20. ‘Stand by Me’, by Ben E. King (Honorary Award)
  21. ‘It’s a Sin’, by Pet Shop Boys.
  22. ‘Theme from S-Express’, by S’Express.
  23. ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, by Sinéad O’Connor.
  24. ‘Would I Lie to You?’, by Charles & Eddie.
  25. ‘Stay Another Day’, by East 17.
  26. ‘Setting Sun’, by The Chemical Brothers.
  27. ‘Your Woman’, by White Town.
  28. ‘Believe’, by Cher.
  29. ‘Stan’, by Eminem.
  30. ‘Dirrty’, by Christina Aguilera ft. Redman
  31. ‘Crazy In Love’, by Beyoncé
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999. ‘Jailhouse Rock’, by Elvis Presley

/ UK #1s blog / 6 Comments

From one of the most forgotten male chart-toppers in Steve Brookstein, to the ultimate male chart-topper… Elvis Aaron Presley.

Jailhouse Rock, by Elvis Presley (his 19th of twenty-one #1s)

1 week, from 9th – 16th January 2005

For what would have been Elvis’s seventieth birthday, on January 8th 2005, an ambitious (and money-spinning) project was announced by the holders of his back-catalogue, BMG Records. They would re-release each of the King’s eighteen UK number ones, week by week, for what would ultimately set collectors back around eighty quid. ‘All Shook Up’, his first chart-topper in 1957, came first, but was chart ineligible due to costing a tenner and coming with a commemorative, limited edition box in which to store all the other singles.

So it fell to ‘Jailhouse Rock’, Elvis’s second number one back in January 1958 (the first single to ever enter the UK charts at #1) to chart first… with the lowest sales ever recorded for a number one single to date: 21,262 copies.

Needless to say, this record was lucky to make number one. And lucky with the fortuitous fact that Elvis’s birthday fell in January, when sales are historically at their lowest anyway. Yet, can you imagine any other artist managing this? Re-releasing eighteen ancient singles and having them all chart in the Top 5, three of them returning to number one? After dominating the charts like nobody ever has, before or after, in the late fifties and early sixties; The King was back to dominate them again.

What of the actual music? Well, of course, ‘Jailhouse Rock’ is a classic. But there seems to be no point analysing it musically in the context of 2005. It was a forty-five year old rock and roll record re-emerging in an age of reality TV pop, tacky dance, and US hip-hop&B. I’ll refer you instead to my original post. I’m sure I was complimentary, but can’t really remember as I wrote it in 2018 (!) How time flies…

Next up, I’m going to bring the usual recap forward by one. And after that’s done, we can properly start the 1000 Number Ones festivities. Watch this space!

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998. ‘Against All Odds’, by Steve Brookstein

/ UK #1s blog / 5 Comments

2005 begins with what should have been the final chart-topper of 2004, and that year’s Christmas #1…

Against All Odds, by Steve Brookstein (his 1st and only #1)

1 week, from 2nd – 9th January 2005

On the one hand you can feel a teensy bit sorry for Steve Brookstein, because a couple of years later winning X Factor would be a sure-fire way to have a genuinely massive million-seller, a Christmas number one, and at least one or two follow-up hits. But since he was the winner of the first series, before it was pulling in huge viewing figures, and because he came up against a juggernaut of a single in Band Aid 20’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ reboot, none of this came true. Instead he belatedly limped to #1 for a week, when nobody was watching, on a technicality.

At the same time, any sympathy for him evaporates when you hear this dull and predictable winner’s single. Did we really need another cover of ‘Against All Odds’? Mariah Carey and Westlife had taken their version to the top barely four years earlier. Phil Collins’ original was only two decades old. (Worryingly, Brookstein’s cover is now closer to 1984 than the present day…)

Of course, Brookstein isn’t a bad vocalist. But he is a glorified pub singer. Judge Sharon Osbourne didn’t like him, and I don’t think the X Factor producers were thrilled to have a thirty-six year old with a pretty limited appeal as their inaugural winner. The subsequent champions were all young, and pretty, with potential for real pop stardom. Some even came close to managing it.

The one person who did argue for Steve Brookstein was, inevitably, Simon Cowell. Cowell looks at a granny-baiting, middle-aged crooner as hungry kids look at chocolate ice cream. He lapped him up. For a while, at least. Following a debut, chart-topping album, Cowell and Brookstein feuded. Eight months after winning X Factor, he was dropped by BMG Records. According to Brookstein it was because he refused to record another LP of safe covers.

And so he faded into obscurity, popping up every now and then to rant about Cowell. He did a bit of musical theatre, a bit of TV, and a lot of provincial touring. Looking at his Wiki, has there been a more depressing sentence in a pop star’s bio than: “In June 2007, Brookstein appeared on the P&O Portsmouth to Bilbao car ferry, alongside X Factor alumni Chico Slimani and Journey South”? (More on Chico soon, btw.)

This would be the last X Factor winner’s single not to make Christmas #1 for five years, as the series dominated British pop culture in the latter half of the decade. So that’s something to look forward to covering… This also came dangerously close to being Britain’s 1000th number one single. Which feels like a close escape, but maybe it would have been fitting. Maybe it is the ultimate #1 single? Cheap, disposable, forgotten…

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997. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, by Band Aid 20

/ UK #1s blog / 4 Comments

Twenty years on from the original, and fifteen years on from the SAW spin-off, comes the long-awaited Band Aid III: Band Aid with a Vengeance…

‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, by Band Aid 20

4 weeks, from 5th December 2004 – 2nd January 2005

It was still helmed by Geldof and Ure, with the same aim of raising money for the world’s destitute, but they sensibly updated the collective’s name to Band Aid 20, and that sounds a bit more impressive than Band Aid 3. They also updated the sound of the record, and the singers involved, with more mixed results.

The original famously opened with Paul Young, then Boy George. This one opens with Coldplay’s Chris Martin, then Dido. (Insert opinion on the direction pop music had gone in during the past two decades…) It takes Robbie Williams, the third voice heard, to really get this record going. We then hear the Sugababes, Travis’s Fran Healy, the Bedingfields, Will Young, Jamelia, Busted (technically making ‘Thunderbirds’ not their final #1), Joss Stone, and many other gilded names of the time.

In fairness, this version features a lot more ‘real’ instruments than the previous two, more synthy versions. The Darkness contribute a guitar solo – getting their Xmas #1 a year late – while Radiohead’s Thom Yorke and Johnny Greenwood, alongside Sir Paul McCartney, form a backing band of some distinction. But the biggest nod to the 21st century is the rap from Dizzee Rascal, then a fairly niche British rapper, but who would go on to become one of the decade’s biggest chart stars. You ain’t gotta feel guilt just selfless, Give a little help to the helpless… is a rhyme for the ages.

Stealing the show though, is the one returnee from the original: Bono. He had to fight to keep his line, as Robbie and Justin Hawkins each recorded a take, but honestly, nobody can self-righteously proclaim Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you… like Bono. It’s a line that gets a lot of stick, but to me it’s the one line in this festival of virtue signalling, about there not being snow in Africa and Christmas bells that are clanging chimes of doom, which actually rings true. We feel sorry for victims of war and famine, of course we do; but we also feel relief, and disgust.

I like a lot of the touches on this version, including the way it descends into an extended hard rock wig-out, then into a coda of semi-African sounding banging and shaking; but it lacks something. And that something is the driving synth riff from the original. So, yes, this is a version with ‘real’ instruments; but said riff, that is devoid of sleigh bells and snowy tinkles, but that gives the song a sense of urgency, a sense of hurry up, donate, save these poor souls! Plus, there must be a reason why neither this, nor Band Aid II, have replaced the original in the yearly Xmas onslaught.

Band Aid 20 was still a huge success, selling 72,000 copies in its first day, and almost 300,000 in its first week. It was the last CD single to sell a million copies, and was really a last hurrah for the format, with sales slumping to new lows by the early weeks of 2005. Downloads would be incorporated into the charts by the following spring.

I remember Band Aid 20 being a very newsworthy deal at the time, and listening to it now I can still identify many of the singers as their lines come up. There is one more chart-topping version of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ to come, in another decade, but the attitudes towards that one, and its subsequent reduced chart performance, are an interesting marker of how society had shifted in the social media age.

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