R & B

1010. ‘Lonely’, by Akon

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In which we meet one of the 21st century’s annoying contributions to popular music: the sped-up sample…

Lonely, by Akon (his 1st of three #1s)

2 weeks, from 8th – 22nd May 2005

Also known as chipmunk soul, it usually involves a sample of an older song sped or pitched way up. Kanye West is seen by most as the inventor of this genre, on his debut album in 2004, most famously in his use of Chaka Khan on ‘Through the Wire’. In Akon’s case it was Bobby Vinton’s 1962 hit ‘Mr. Lonely’. Unless we count Eminem’s use of ‘Toy Soldiers’, which is debatable as the sample is nowhere as squeaky and distorted as it is here, this is the first chart-topping single to employ the technique, and one of the worst.

It’s funny, because not for the first time in recent posts, I am reconciling the feelings I had about a 2005 #1 at the time with the feelings I have now. And I’m sure I remember liking ‘Lonely’ at the time… Liking the novelty of it. Liking the retro vibes of it. But listening now, it’s garbage.

Not only is the sample irritating, but the lyrics are pedestrian and whiny. Plus, Akon’s voice sounds flat for much of the song. He’s cheated on his girl, she’s got tired of his bullshit, and she’s left him. Been all around the world, Ain’t never met a girl that could take the things that you’ve been through, Never thought the day would come when you would get up and run… No admission of guilt, no reflecting on his actions. He just doesn’t like being lonely. It’s Shaggy’s ‘It Wasn’t Me’ without the silliness, or Eamon’s ‘Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)’ without the swearing. 

In fact, the spectre of ho-wop lingers heavily over this record. Maybe if this song had come first it would be more palatable, but Eamon really had ruined the doo-wop/hip-hop crossover movement for all involved. Yet… I do think, in the long run, songs like this made it more acceptable for modern pop songs to borrow pre-Beatles melodies and sounds. Without this, maybe there’s no Meghan Trainor, or Doja Cat Vs Paul Anka, or Connie Francis going viral with ‘Pretty Little Baby’.

Akon is a Senegalese-American singer and producer, who would go on to be one of the biggest pop stars of the ‘00s (‘Lonely’ was his second hit), with two further chart-toppers to come before the decade is out. My favourite fact about Akon is that despite claiming he’d done three years in jail, despite his debut single being called ‘Locked Up’, despite starting at least half his records by shouting ‘Kon-vict’ and adding a ‘jail door slamming shut’ sound effect, he has never actually served a prison sentence. Once you learn that about Akon, him releasing a record this slickly insincere makes much more sense.

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1005. ‘Get Right’, by Jennifer Lopez

/ UK #1s blog / 4 Comments

Like ‘Goodies’ a few weeks earlier, this is a song I remember from the time, but that I haven’t properly heard since it left the charts…

Get Right, by Jennifer Lopez (her 2nd of three #1s)

1 week, from 20th – 27th February 2005

Unlike ‘Goodies’ however, it is not with fondness that I remember ‘Get Right’. I remember it being distinctly irritating. Perhaps, more than twenty years on, it is time to reassess?

But the high-pitched, looped horn riff is just as confronting as I remember it. It sounds like the mating call of an exotic bird. Not being nineteen, and not being determined to have strong opinions on anything and everything, I can sort of admit that it has a wonderful funkiness to it. It makes you move. Though it could have done with occasionally changing key, or varying notes slightly. Especially by the time the ‘solo’ comes along, and just it’s twenty seconds straight of the same bloody horns.

Not that the horns don’t have an illustrious history to them, as a sample from ‘Soul Power ‘74’, by Maceo & the Macks, AKA James Brown’s backing band. But the riff that makes up the entirety of ‘Get Right’ is a tiny fraction of the free-styling saxophone on that record, which had been trimmed to the sample used here by Usher, in an unreleased track named ‘Ride’.

What of J-Lo, belatedly appearing on her second UK number one, after so many of her classic early ‘00s hits had failed to make top spot? I’d say this song could be sung by anyone, really. While not a spectacular vocalist, I think Lopez is someone whose voice can be easily recognised. But not on this one, for some reason. She even sounds a little strained, as if maintaining this sort of intense funk for four minutes is beyond her.

So, consider this record reassessed. Partly, at least. I like it more than my teenage self did, though would still label it as something I’d have to be in the mood for. And there are certainly better J-Lo tunes that didn’t make it to #1. But her longevity is impressive, with three chart-toppers stretched out over a decade or more.

As I mentioned, this isn’t the first forgotten number one of 2005, and we’ve barely made it to spring. ‘Goodies’ was a nice rediscovery, as was ‘Sometimes You Can’t Make It on Your Own’, which would surely be a great Pointless answer when listing U2 #1s. Once again we have to recognise that poor record sales were allowing for some interesting chart-toppers. Is this the most forgotten period in UK chart history? In fact we’re in the middle of a run of eleven one-weekers – the second longest such run in chart history – and I’d also challenge anyone to hum the chorus of our next number one…

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1001. ‘Goodies’, by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo

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On to the next one thousand number ones, then. And after two weeks of Elvis oldies at the top of the charts, we are happily dragged back into the 21st century with this one.

Goodies, by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo (their 1st and only #1s)

1 week, from 23rd – 30th January 2005

It is a startlingly modern record, one of those that feels like a fast-forward button being pressed. ‘Goodies’ is crunk, or crunk&B, making this the second such chart-topper after Usher’s ‘Yeah!’ But whereas that song was very pop, with a dumb, hooky chorus; ‘Goodies’ makes the listener work a bit more hard to reveal its appeal.

At first it is sparse, with a Lil’ John-a-like rapping over an arrestingly annoying high-pitched whistle riff. It is not an intro that makes friends. But slowly elements are added: Ciara’s breathy vocals, the stabbing synths (the one element of the song that ties it to ‘Yeah!’), a twangy guitar line, and it develops into a fine pop song.

There are enough weird bits here for three or four songs, and it potentially could have been messy, but everything hangs together well. I particularly like the twangy riff (always a sucker for a guitar, whatever the genre) and the bridge, where Ciara switches to an impressively operatic falsetto. And Petey Pablo is an upgrade on Lil John: same southern drawl, less inane shouting.

It’s odd. ‘Goodies’ is not the type of record that is guaranteed to be a hit with me, but I remember it fondly from the time and listening to it now I am coming to the opinion that it is a lost classic. Maybe I’m just glad to have a proper pop song to write about, not the charity singles/X factor dross/Elvis re-releases that we’ve contended with in recent weeks, but I do think ‘Goodies’ deserves to be as well, if not better, remembered than our other crunk #1. It conjured up a steamy, southern US summer’s day in gloomy British January. And, for those who complain about the usual sexualisation found in this type of music, Ciara here offers a more wholesome alternative: If you’re lookin’ for the goodies, Keep on lookin’, ‘Cause they stay in the jar…

This was nineteen-year-old Ciara’s debut and, in the UK at least, biggest hit. It was the first of her five Top 10s, though she hasn’t particularly troubled the charts since the end of the ‘00s. In the US she remains more of a name, releasing her latest album just last year. For Petey Pablo meanwhile, this was by far his biggest British hit, his music career being interrupted by a spell in jail for bringing a stolen gun onto a plane.

‘Goodies’ was a day away from being my nineteenth birthday number one, and a good birthday chart-topper it would have been. Instead, I had to settle for yet another Elvis re-release, and not even a particularly good one…

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993. ‘Wonderful’, by Ja Rule ft. R. Kelly & Ashanti

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Yet another US-based R&B number one, to add to 2004’s increasingly long list…

Wonderful, by Ja Rule (his 1st and only #1) ft. R. Kelly (his 3rd and final #1) & Ashanti (her 1st and only #1)

1 week, from 31st October – 7th November 2004

Making this track even harder to enjoy, aside from its averageness, is the appearance of R Kelly for his final UK chart-topper. Your enjoyment of this song will depend on how well you can stomach Kels singing about how life is a pussy buffet…

Though to give him his due, this feels like an R Kelly record rather than one led by Ja Rule, given that he gets around fifty percent of the airtime, including the chorus, which is the catchiest part of the song (I quite like the Morse Code-y, buzzing riff that holds it together too). Ja Rule contributes a couple of verses about gangstas and hos, and other rap cliches that make me roll my eyes. It’s always been a feature of the genre, that sort of aggrandisement, but one that started to dominate in the 21st century. Y’all bitches don’t know… Niggas can’t walk a mile in my shoes… That sort of thing.

I always quite liked Ja Rule, however. Usually in a supporting role, as on his two hits with J-Lo (‘Ain’t It Funny’ and ‘I’m Real’) and ‘Always on Time’ with Ashanti. Those songs felt much bigger, much more part of the fabric of the early ‘00s, than ‘Wonderful’. So in one sense it’s good that the dulcet tones of Ja Rule, and the much sweeter-voiced Ashanti, managed a British chart-topper. Just preferably not with this.

I’d even go so far as to claim that songs like this don’t belong on top of the UK singles charts. It’s not our music. It’s US cultural imperialism! Bring back Lonnie Donegan! Yes that sounds a bit Reform-ish, but – unlike other nationalities – we can be rude about Americans and not get into trouble. I do wonder which sections of the British public this record spoke to. Give me So Solid Crew over this: at least they spoke about the lives of British kids, and came from British council estates.

Of course, in late 2004, ‘Wonderful’ sold a fraction of what Ja Rule and Ashanti’s non chart-topping, earlier hits had sold. While it just about cleared the record set by ‘Call on Me’s final fortnight on top, the 23k copies it sold in its first week set its own record for the lowest selling record to debut at #1. Has anyone listened to this in twenty years? I doubt it. Not the most ‘Wonderful’ legacy to leave.

Censored and uncensored versions:

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989. ‘My Place’ / ‘Flap Your Wings’, by Nelly

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2004 has been a very US-centric, hip-hop-&B sounding year on the British charts. An Usher double, the dreaded Frankee & Eamon, Mario Winans… Now here’s another slow-jam from Nelly.

My Place / Flap Your Wings, by Nelly (his 2nd of four #1s)

1 week, from 5th – 12th September 2004

This double-A passed me by at the time, despite being in a fairly avid chart-watching phase in my life. I was about to start my second year at university the week this was at #1, so maybe my mind was elsewhere. But listening to it now, I like it. I like the smooth old-school soul of ‘My Place’, and the futuristic beats on ‘Flap Your Wings’, and would label it as one of the better of this year’s American number ones.

‘My Place’ enjoys the benefit of having three different samples from the late-seventies and early-eighties – Labelle, DeBarge, and Teddy Pendergrass – all of which give it an upbeat, soulful, disco-tinged feel. It doesn’t grab me with a killer hook, but it is a perfectly pleasant way to spend four and a half minutes. At least it isn’t mopey and self-pitying, like many of the year’s other R&B hits, while the chorus is delivered very smoothly by a sadly uncredited Jaheim.

The beat and Nelly’s half-sung/half-rapped delivery are very similar to his first chart-topper, ‘Dilemma’, but not so similar as to make it feel like a cynical retread. And that was a gigantic hit, so it’s understandable that he was tempted to revisit it. Speaking of retreads…

‘Flap Your Wings’ meanwhile harks back to Nelly’s 2002 #3 hit ‘Hot in Herre’, not so much in the sound as in the tempo, the beat, and the meter of his delivery. And in the lyrics about sweat drippin’ all over your body… It’s not as catchy, or as memorable, as ‘Hot in Herre’, but there’s definitely something there in the repetitive beat and the saucy lyrics. At least I think Drop down and get your eagle on girl… must be somehow dirty.

It was produced by the Neptunes, with Pharrell Williams popping up for one line mid-song. This was the first UK #1 credit enjoyed by an act responsible for dictating how much of the decade’s hip-hop and R&B would sound, with Williams a decade away from the trio of million-selling hits he’d enjoy in 2013-14. However, I would say that this song also feels like a warm-up for their era-defining turn on Snoop Dogg’s ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot’, an even more minimalist hip-hop hit that would chart a few weeks later.

Both these tracks came from Nelly’s double-album ‘Sweat / Suit’ – I’ll leave it to you to guess which song is from which side – and had been released with ‘Flap Your Wings’ as the lead single a month earlier, making #88. Once the order was switched it entered at the top, and became the only truly solo #1 from Nelly’s four chart-toppers.

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983. ‘Burn’, by Usher

/ UK #1s blog / 4 Comments

2004: the year in which Britain really went wild for a slushy R&B ballad…

Burn, by Usher (his 3rd of four #1s)

2 weeks, 4th – 18th July 2004

Barely two weeks after Mario Winans was mourning his unfaithful lover, and a couple of months on from Eamon’s whining, Usher ponders an age old dilemma. Man I don’t know what I’m gonna do, Without my boo…

Ballads like this had been the sound of the Billboard Hot 100 since the nineties, usually staying at number one for months on end (‘Burn’ itself was the US #1 for eight weeks, and knocked Usher’s earlier single ‘Yeah!’ from top spot). And while they often charted well in Britain, it feels like 2004 was the year that they belatedly broke through and dominated.

Why? I’m not sure. Slumping sales? A lack of British pop talent? More break-ups than usual? Was the insidious internet forcing American slush into the homes of impressionable British kids…? However it happened, it made for some fairly dull number ones. Usher’s vocals are impressive (though his tendency towards a falsetto is grating), yet the production is slow and treacly. While ‘Yeah!’ was certainly dumb; it was at least cutting edge and upbeat.

Another potential symptom of slumping sales seems to be that acts are scoring multiple chart-toppers, closer together. In 2003 only Busted managed multiple #1s, but we’ve now had three repeaters in a row – Britney, McFly and now Usher. A long time ago I described this phenomenon – lesser follow-ups making number one thanks to a huge smash hit – as ‘shadow number ones’. But I don’t think that’s what’s happening here, and it’s going to keep happening over the next few years, until sales start to pick up.

What’s also going to happen over the next few years is more and more syrupy R&B ballads like this making number one in Britain, beyond their natural habitat of the Hot 100. Think Akon, think Ne-Yo. Even normally upbeat females like Beyonce and Rihanna will try their hand at it. And here am I, scanning the horizon for any sign of a guitar…

980. ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’, by Mario Winans ft. Enya & P. Diddy

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Normal service is resumed on top of the charts. Sort of.

I Don’t Wanna Know, by Mario Winans (his 1st and only #1) ft. Enya (her 2nd and final #1) & P. Diddy (his 2nd of three #1s)

2 weeks, 6th – 20th June 2004

At least this isn’t a bitch-fest, with Mario Winans listing the ways his ex-lover has wronged him, cheated on him, done the dirty… In fact, the crux of the song is that ignorance is bliss: I don’t wanna know, If you’re playing me, Keep it on the low, Cause my heart can’t take it anymore… But it’s still a mopey break-up song, in a year that has already seen its fair share of mopey break-up songs. Forget ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’; make that ‘We Don’t Wanna Know’, Mario. Just keep it to yourself.

What makes this track actually quite interesting is the sample from Enya’s eerie ‘Boadicea’, which gives it a real obsessing-in-the-middle-of-the-night atmosphere. Winan’s knew the sample from the Fugees’ 1996 #1 ‘Ready Or Not’, but unlike on that track Enya actually agreed to re-record the sample, receiving a credit and a second chart-topper, sixteen years on from ‘Orinoco Flow’.

Listening now, I wonder how this record would have sounded if they had just stuck with the ‘Boadicea’ sample, and the piano line that enters later? Instead a fairly basic, jittery hip-hop beat comes in, and spoils the desolate feeling. I suppose it might have sounded too similar to ‘Ready or Not’ otherwise, but still. The middle-eight picks things up a bit, as Winans harmonises nicely with himself, but much of is bland and mushy.

I also wonder how this would have sounded without P. Diddy’s rap. Not just because he’s now persona non grata, but because it’s such a non-event. I guess, like the hip-hop beat, they asked him to phone it in and stuck it on because it was the done thing for an R&B track in the mid-‘00s, and because he was a name and Mario Winans wasn’t, rather than because it adds much to the song. Still, it is Sean Combes’ second of three UK #1s, all coming under different pseudonyms.

For Mario Winans, this was his only UK Top 10 as a lead artist. He is more prolific as a producer and songwriter, having worked with Destiny’s Child, Jennifer Lopez and The Weeknd, among various others. He is also the nephew of Bebe Winans, who guested on Eternal’s 1997 chart-topper ‘I Wanna Be the Only One’, and part of the extended (and apparently quite important in the gospel music world) Winans Family.

One other thing to note before we finish is that like the gruesome twosome he knocked off number one, ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’ inspired its own answer song. ‘You Should Really Know’ by the Pirates ft. Shola Ama, Naila Boss and Ishani (and Enya, of course) is actually quite good, with an interesting Indian flavour to it, and made #8 later in the year.

979. ‘F.U.R.B. (F U Right Back)’, by Frankee

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Sigh. Ready for Round Two of Britain’s Spring of Silliness?

F.U.R.B (F U Right Back), by Frankee (her 1st and only #1)

3 weeks, 16th May – 6th June 2004

Yes, after a month of Eamon’s whiny ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’, his supposed ex-girlfriend Frankee had to have her say. There are two sides to every story… she announces in the intro. So far so stupid. But bear with me as I explain why this is the far better record.

‘F.U.R.B.’ is essentially the same song: same tune, same vaguely doo-wop melody, same amount of swearing. But whereas Eamon’s version was plodding and self-indulgent, Frankee’s version is sassy and, in places, pretty hilarious.

The sass is added very easily, by putting some synth blasts at the end of each bar to liven up the original’s treacly tempo, and by adding a couple more beats and clicks to the rhythm. And then by the fact that, lyrically, Frankee doesn’t go in for any moping. She goes for the low blows, and hits Eamon where it hurts. He was, it turns out, a crap shag.

You thought you could really make me moan, I had better sex on my own… and Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back, Well guess what yo, Your sex was wack… I mean yes it’s childish, yes it’s tawdry, yes it’s vulgar. But I think a line like I do admit I’m glad, I didn’t catch your crabs is funny, and well-deserved after having sat through multiple plays of Eamon’s original.

And at one point there is a moment of precise critical clarity, when Frankee sings: If you really didn’t care, You wouldn’t wanna share, Telling everybody just how you feel… Exactly, Eamon! By writing an entire song about how much you don’t care, you’re showing the world that you really do! Idiot.

I feel there is a comment to be made here, on the power imbalance in male-female relationships. Why is the woman allowed to be rude post-breakup, while the man comes across as vindictive? If Eamon claimed Frankee was bad in bed then it would be very ungentlemanly. Frankee does it and it’s empowering. But also, do two songs as lowbrow as this deserve any deep analysis? Probably not.

Eamon denied that Frankee had ever been his girlfriend, but at the same time claimed he had auditioned her for the role of recording this answer song (he earned royalties for both), and welcomed her into “the world of ho-wop” (his words). Like Eamon, Frankee released an album off the back of this gimmick, but unlike Eamon she remains a gold-star one-hit wonder. She subsequently left the music business, and in 2016 joined the NYPD.

Swear-less:

Swear-full:

978. ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’, by Eamon

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I recently called Usher’s ‘Yeah!’ the song of 2004. Maybe I should rethink that. Is there a song more of its time and place than this next number one…

F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back), by Eamon (his 1st and only #1)

4 weeks, 18th April – 16th May 2004

And can we lock it in a lead-lined vault, bury it in quicklime, and make sure it stays in 2004? Do we have to revisit these seven weeks in which the British record-buying public lost their collective minds, and made ho-wop a thing? Sadly yes. I can’t very well start skipping chart-toppers this far in.

Let’s start by grasping for positives. There is a grain of a retro doo-wop/soul melody here, and had the vocals, the lyrics, and the production, been handled differently then this might have been a nice song. Unfortunately, the vocals are thin and whiny, and the production a cheap, pre-set hip-hop beat.

And then there are the lyrics. I took Busted to task for their toxicity in ‘Who’s David’, but this is next level. Eamon’s ex-girlfriend is, at various points during the song, a whore, a burnt bitch, and a hag. Fuck all those kisses, They didn’t mean jack, Fuck you you ho, I don’t want you back… In total, I make it twenty uses of the F-bomb, alongside various other profanities, making this the sweariest number one ever at this point.

Now, I’m not a prude (the asterisks in the post title are me being a stickler for accuracy, as that is how the record was published); but this record is just relentlessly nasty. Couldn’t Eamon have been a little more inventive in his revenge, than bleating about how he had to throw all the presents she gave him out? I’m not against making a song about a break-up, if you really must – though I’ll always think it a bit self-indulgent – but did recording this make Eamon feel better? Really?

Of course, analysing this record on any level is essentially pointless. We all now know that it was a cynical marketing gimmick. Our very next post, involving Eamon’s ‘girlfriend’ Frankee and her answer song, will make that very clear. And to an extent it worked, as previously unheard of Eamon scored the year’s second-highest selling single. But it didn’t lead to any sustained success whatsoever, as his charmingly titled follow-up ‘I Love Them Ho’s’ stalled at #27, and was his only other Top 40 appearance.

Swear-less:

Swear-full:

976. ‘Yeah!’ by Usher ft. Lil’ John & Ludacris

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Every year has one number one that sounds utterly of that time. (In fact, that would be an interesting exercise, to go back through each year and choose one chart-topper to represent it…) Anyway, here is 2004’s.

Yeah!, by Usher (his 2nd of four #1s) ft. Lil’ John & Ludacris

2 weeks, 21st March – 4th April 2004

Compare and contrast ‘Yeah!’ with ‘Toxic’, the other contender for ‘song of the year’. ‘Toxic’ is timeless, while ‘Yeah!’ remains stuck in its time and place. But maybe I’m biased, as I was always going to be Team Britney, and to lean towards fun female pop. ‘Yeah!’ is the male equivalent though, in that it set the tone for boy-led, R&B/hip-hop pop for much of the rest of the decade.

It’s all homies, shawties, and booties – three lyrical must haves for a song of this type – and a chorus that is just Yeah! repeated twelve times. Not that the lyrics of ‘Toxic’ were Shakespearian; but this is really dumb. Musically it is equally simplistic, with a relentlessly memorable air-raid syren synth that runs, unwavering, from start to finish, complemented by what sounds like a phone ringing off the hook. This was one of the first hit records to bring crunk – a danceable subgenre of hip-hop from the Southern US – mainstream, and certainly the first UK #1 to do so. (It is, I think, one of only two crunk #1s, and is by far the lesser of the two…)

Also bringing the crunk is the appearance of Lil John, one of the godfathers of the genre, though he does little more than repeat what Usher sings, and shout ‘Yeah!’. (Considering that some artists have sung entire choruses on recent chart-toppers and not received a credit, Lil John can consider himself very lucky.)

I’m sounding pretty down on this record, when I do actually quite like it. And, considering that it instantly drags me back to being eighteen, it does hold some nostalgic weight. What saves it is the appearance of Ludacris, a rapper who enlivens any song he appears on. He never sounds like he’s taking his job seriously – and I mean that as a compliment, as he doesn’t have a serious job (though most rappers would argue otherwise…) He manages to keep his rap clean, but also delivers potentially one of the filthiest lines in chart-topping history: These women all on the prowl, If you hold the head steady, Imma milk the cow…

I’m just amazed that this was Luda’s only number one single, as ‘ft. Ludacris’ feels as common a ‘00s suffix as ‘ft. Jay-Z’. As for Usher, this was his second number one, over six years on from his teenage debut. Listen to ‘U Make Me Wanna’ then this back to back, and you’ll hear how much US R&B changed either side of the millennium. He won’t have to wait anywhere near as long for his third chart-topper.