00s pop music

1025. ‘That’s My Goal’, by Shayne Ward

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I talked in our last post about the ‘competition’ for Xmas number one 2005, with Westlife and Diana Ross, and the JCB Song, jostling for the title. Except, in reality, there was no contest. The festive chart-topper would cease to be a competition for most of the next decade.

That’s My Goal, by Shane Ward (his 1st and only #1)

4 weeks, from 25th December 2005 – 22nd January 2006

A year ago, the first ever X Factor winner, Steve Brookstein, took his cover of Phil Collins’ ‘Against All Odds’ to the top. But Brookstein was a middle-aged man, who by this point a year on had argued with Simon Cowell and was persona non grata, and anyway he didn’t make Christmas #1. It feels like he’s been erased from the history books. Here then is the first winner of the X Factor proper: young, handsome, endlessly promotable Shayne Ward, with an original song.

Well, I say ‘original’. Technically it was written for the winner of that year’s competition, but there’s nothing original about it. If you’ve heard any of the previous reality TV winners singles, from the likes of Will Young, David Sneddon, or Michelle McManus, then you know how this song goes. I’m here to win your heart and soul, That’s my goal… It is a mid-tempo, mid-range, mid-everything, common or garden pop ballad. (It is so bland that it makes Michelle’s ‘All This Time’ sound epic. She’s the true queen of winner’s single balladry.)

But, of course, this is the third fastest-selling single of all time, with the 5th highest weekly sale (since 1980, as before that records are patchy) behind Band Aid, ‘Candle in the Wind ‘97’, Will Young and Gareth Gates. Considering how poor overall sales were in 2005, and that we’re mere weeks away from them hitting an all-time low in early 2006, it makes Ward’s opening week sales of almost 750k quite jaw-dropping.

For my sins, my flatmates at the time and I were very invested in this series of X Factor. Who remembers the heady days Chico (more on him soon), Journey South, and Andy Abraham the singing binman? We even, cough, went to the see live tour… And I remember thinking it obvious from very early on that Ward would win. I genuinely thought he could be a big star.

And yet, like most winners of the X Factor, he burned brightly for a while, then fizzled out. Two #2s, a handful of other Top 10s, but nothing post 2000s. He was dropped by Cowell in 2011 but kept releasing music independently, as well as moving into acting. He was in Coronation Street for three years. Who knew?

We may never hear Shayne Ward on top of the charts again, but there are several years’ worth of X Factor winner’s singles to come, and if you can tell one from the other then you’re a better critic than I…

Side note: I did wonder if a Xmas number one staying on top until January 22nd was a record, so I did a look through the annals. It’s relatively late for a festive chart-topper to still be hanging around, but a handful of records have gone longer. Can anyone name the only Christmas #1 to have still been topping the charts in February, though? Answers in the comments…

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1024. ‘JCB Song’, by Nizlopi

/ UK #1s blog / 16 Comments

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all the potential Xmas number ones were lining up for a shot at the crown…

JCB Song, by Nizlopi (their 1st and only #1) 

1 week, from 18th – 25th December 2005

2005’s left-field, indie contender for festive top spot – following in the grand footsteps of Housemartins, the Flying Pickets, Gary Jules and co. – was from folk duo Nizlopi, with their song about a bullied kid skipping school to drive with his dad in his big yellow digger. It’s a gentle acoustic tune, nostalgic in tone, written from the POV of a five-year-old. I can see why it was a big Christmas hit. 

Shame, then, that I’m now going to rip it to shreds. I hated this song at the time, and two decades haven’t improved matters. To my ears, what some people might argue as being ‘sweet’ comes across as cloying, twee, simpering… insert your synonym of choice. Sample lyrics: The engine rattles my bum like berserk… and My dad’s probably had a bloody hard day… It’s cynical heartstring pulling, is what it is. Holding up the bypass, Me and my dad havin’ a top laugh… the refrain goes. And of course loads of people will gobble up this sort of thing at Christmas like it was leftover turkey. (Though it wasn’t written with the holidays in mind. It had first charted at #160 in June, before growing in renown via the internet.)

I misremembered the ‘JCB Song’ as being for charity, which might have explained its lyrics and its success. Back in 2005, charity wristbands were all the rage. The white ‘Make Poverty History’, yellow ‘Livestrong’ (ummm…), and the blue ‘Beat Bullying’ are the ones I remember. It was how we virtue signalled before social media. So I’d always assumed that this – a song about a bullied child – was raising money to ‘beat the bullies’. But no. We can’t even give it a pass on those grounds.

For the coda, it transforms from gentle folksy ballad into a rousing rapped, hoe-down finale: I’m Luke, I’m five and my dad’s Bruce Lee… This bit sounds familiar. It makes me do a double take. It dawns on me why ‘JCB Song’ is so bad. A quick bit of research puts two and two together… When Nizlopi were starting out, their guitar technician was a certain Edward Christopher Sheeran.

Oh Nizlopi, what did you do? I could just about forgive this twee slop – it is Christmas after all – and appreciate the fact that you are all but one hit wonders (follow-up ‘Girls’ made #91). But to know that Ed Sheeran was sitting backstage at your gigs, taking notes, making his plan for world domination. That’s unforgivable.

Unlike the previous indie hits I listed in the intro, both Nizlopi and the ‘JCB Song’ seem to have been pretty much forgotten. And though they didn’t hold on to make Christmas #1, they did take one sizeable scalp when they consigned the twin powers of Westlife and Diana Ross, and their rejig of ‘When You Tell Me That You Love Me’, to the runners-up spot. This may be the only instance in recorded history when I would have preferred Westlife at #1…

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1021. ‘You Raise Me Up’, by Westlife

/ UK #1s blog / 5 Comments

Sigh. The charts do like to bring us down to earth. Straight after Arctic Monkeys’ lightning bolt of a debut, here come Westlife…

You Raise Me Up, by Westlife (their 13th of fourteen #1s) 

2 weeks, from 30th October – 13th November 2005

2004 was the one year in eight, between 1999 and 2006, in which Westlife didn’t have an autumnal #1. Like clockwork, October or November saw the lead from a new Westlife album, to be released ahead of the Christmas shopping period. In 2004 they had recorded a ‘rat pack’ inspired album – the heinously titled ‘Allow Us to Be Frank’ – which had no singles and only made #3. But it provided a convenient line in the sand, and meant that when the boys returned a year later, they were a fully-fledged man band. This was also their first #1 as a four-piece, with Brian McFadden having quit the year before.

Allow me to be frank. ‘You Raise Me Up’ is not my cup of tea. To quote Miss Jean Brodie: ‘For those who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing that they like.’ There have been many versions of it recorded over the years, and I’ve listened to several of them for this post, trying to find one I could stomach. I haven’t managed. It is cloying, it is overwrought, it is pompous, whoever is singing. Every version has a mournful Celtic accompaniment that makes it sound like a reject from the ‘Braveheart’ soundtrack. It sounds like a hymn, but it isn’t. I don’t like that. I don’t like feeling as if I’m being tricked into listening to religious music. It should nail its colours to the mast (or the cross, as it were) and let us know, with a label that reads ‘Secular Guidance: Religious Content’, or something. 

One thing that surprises me about ‘You Raise Me Up’ is that it was only written in 2001. I’d have assumed it was much older. It had grown in infamy, from the original by Norwegian-Irish band Secret Garden, through Josh Groban’s well-known cover. Prior to Westlife, another Irish icon in Daniel O’Donnell had had the biggest British hit with it, making #22 in 2003. I wouldn’t say Westlife’s version is any better or worse than the others, but it makes me look back fondly towards the days of ‘If I Let You Go’, and ‘My Love’. Even their cover of ‘Mandy’ was palatable compared to this hard, lumpy stodge.

And yet, ‘You Raise Me Up’ was the first Westlife single to spend more than a week on top for five years, since their equally crappy cover of ‘Against All Odds’ with Mariah Carey. Had Arctic Monkeys released a week later, they wouldn’t have stood a chance against this juggernaut, which sold 1.5 times what ‘I Bet You Look Good…’ had in its first week. Even their second week sales were higher. It currently stands as Westlife’s third highest-seller, which is an admittedly impressive feat for a boyband, sorry manband, on their sixth studio album.

It would also have been the perfect way to bid them adieu. But alas, we have one final Westlife chart-topper to get through. Another MOR cover. Next autumn, obviously.

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1019. ‘Push the Button’, by Sugababes

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Two huge girl group number ones in a row. And after Pussycat Dolls’ ballsy and bouncy ‘Don’t Cha’, the Sugababes go for something similarly seductive.

Push the Button, by Sugababes (their 4th of six #1s) 

3 weeks, from 2nd – 23rd October 2005

And in doing so, they come up with a really, really good tune. ‘Push the Button’ is a modern girl group classic. The rising chord progression, the semi-melancholy, yearning upward motion of it. It feels like a three and a half minute key change, especially in the bridge. After waiting patiently for him to come and get it, He came on through and asked me if I wanted to get with it… (Note that our British girls have been waiting demurely, unlike those hussies in the Pussycat Dolls… How obvious should a girl be? they ask in the first verse, making the record actually quite an astute commentary on straight dating culture.)

Then comes the chorus, and an extra chugging bass synth, and before you realise it you’re listening to one of the decade’s – nay, the 21st century’s – best pop songs. All three of Sugababes’ previous chart-toppers have been good to great, but ‘Push the Button’ tops them all with its catchy simplicity. For it is simple. The lyrics are basic, the production nothing fancy, the video with the girls dancing in a lift is predictable… But it has layers, little touches of sound and some really nice harmonising, that lift it up. Plus it has a spoken-word section, done in the same key-changing style, which is always a welcome addition to a song.

I joke about how brazen the Pussycat Dolls were, and if they weren’t back-to-back #1s then we probably wouldn’t be comparing the two. But really, this song is just as saucy. It’s just much more British. Mutya delivers the line My sexy ass has got him in a new dimension… in a way that is equal parts understated and silly. Nicole Scherzinger would have squeezed the life out of that lyric. Even the song’s title could be seen as a good old-fashioned, end of the pier double entendre. 

And my US vs UK comparison can be taken further, when we note that despite ‘Push the Button’ being a huge hit around the world, a Top 10 from Hungary to Australia and everywhere in between, it did not chart in the USA. In fact, Sugababes solitary appearance on the Hot 100 was for ‘Hole in the Head’, which made the heady heights of #96. Oh, America.

Having mentioned Mutya Beuno earlier, we should also mention that this was her final Sugababes’ single for some fifteen years, as she left the group that December to be replaced by Amelle Berrabah. Keisha Buchanan was left as the only remaining original Sugababe, and this line-up will see out their chart-topping careers over the next couple of years.

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1018. ‘Don’t Cha’, by Pussycat Dolls ft. Busta Rhymes

/ UK #1s blog / 3 Comments

The 2000s were, I have already somewhere claimed, the decade of the girl group. All Saints, Atomic Kitten, Sugababes, Girls Aloud… All big, all girls, all British.

Don’t Cha, by The Pussycat Dolls (their 1st of two #1s) ft. Busta Rhymes (his 1st and only #1)

3 weeks, from 11th September – 2nd October 2005

Here though come the Yanks. Not to suggest that the States have no girl group pedigree, of course. The Supremes, Ronettes, Shangri Las all say hello. But even the sassy Shangri Las would have blushed at something as strident as ‘Don’t Cha’. The Pussycat Dolls are very much a new, 21st century version of the all-American girl group.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me…? I mean, British girls would never be so brazenly forward (cough cough). But it was definitely a chat-up line that embedded itself in the zeitgeist for a while. The rest of the song is similarly sultry, with raunchy horns, an X-rated rap from Busta Rhymes, and lines about black and blue balls, and sharing partners. It was released in three versions: a kid friendly edit (without Busta), the original, and a ‘more booty’ mix.

In fact, the entire song is slower and more seductive than I remembered. I thought it was faster, poppier; but in reality it has a swing beat, and a Latin-inflected guitar line. This is much more in keeping with the Dolls’ pre-chart history. At the time, the one thing everyone had to say about PCD is that they were strippers. They themselves liked to call it ‘neo-burlesque’, but you can definitely imagine someone slowly removing their clothing to the rhythm and tempo of ‘Don’t Cha’.

They had been around since the mid-‘90s, but it wasn’t until 2004 that they tried to move into pop music. And they were a near instant success. ‘Don’t Cha’ was huge, unavoidable that autumn. But, at the same time, though they had a few years of decent success, and one more #1, PCD never turned into the chart force that their debut hinted at.

Their lead singer, Nicole Scherzinger, on the other hand did become a household name. Even at this early moment it was a bit of a Diana Ross situation, and they might as well have been named Nicole & The Pussycat Dolls. She has the chops for it, and sells every line in a manner so extravagantly sexy that it actually sounds quite funny. Burlesque, even. Listen to the way she rolls her tongue around every syllable of the Your secret is safe with me… line, for example.

For rapper Busta Rhymes meanwhile, this would be the only chart-topper of a career that was surprisingly more successful in the UK than in the States. This was his 9th Top 10 hit since debuting in 1996, and he would continue to have British chart success well into the 2010s.

Anyway, as enjoyable as this track is, though it is a little try-hard, up next we have some British ladies showing these American upstarts how to do a proper girl group banger. 

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1017. ‘Dare’, by Gorillaz

/ UK #1s blog / 4 Comments

Ten years on from the Battle of Britpop, and Oasis are knocked off the top by one quarter of Blur…

Dare, by Gorillaz (their 1st and only #1)

1 week, from 4th – 11th September 2005

Gorillaz were the ‘band’ that Damon Albarn had formed in 1998, and had run concurrently with the day job until Blur went on hiatus in 2003. I say band in inverted commas, because they were completely virtual. Albarn took care of the musical side of things, while artist Jamie Hewlett took care of the visuals and designed the band’s members: 2-D, Noodle, Murdoc, and Russel Hobbs. (I believe this makes them the 5th animated act to top the charts, after The Archies, Jive Bunny, The Simpsons, and Bob the Builder.)

Reading that paragraph back, you can imagine what the Gallagher brothers made of all this arty silliness. It would have been quite funny if ‘Dare’ had been released a week earlier  and had held ‘The Importance of Being Idle’ off number one, though by 2017 relations had mellowed enough for Noel to duet with Gorillaz. Anyway, even if proper rock groups would have turned their noses up at an animated alt-rock, art pop, trip-hop group, at Number Ones Blog we’ll do no such thing. For ‘Dare’ is a great track.

For a start, it’s a lot more upbeat and faster paced than many Gorillaz tracks, being both danceable and yet slightly melancholy. It’s got a filthy bassline, and a kooky beat that reminds me in places of White Town’s leftfield classic ‘Your Woman’. Then there’s the contrast between Noodle’s falsetto (provided by guest singer Roses Gabor, not Albarn as I’d always assumed) and Shaun Ryder’s more, shall we say, dulcet tones. It’s not quite pop, not quite dance, not quite a straight forward electronic song. It’s… dare.

Legend has it that the song was originally titled ‘It’s There’, but Ryder’s thick Mancunian accent prevented him from saying the word properly. Shaun himself has denied this, saying that it was because he’s dyslexic, and in text messages always writes ‘there’ as ‘der’. Either way, he’s the star of the show, both in his ranting vocals and in the horror movie inspired video, where he sings the song as a disembodied head. (All I can think of when I see it is Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…) Though uncredited on both, Ryder gets his second number one appearance of the year, after he’d been one of the many celebs marching with Peter Kay on ‘Amarillo’. It was something of a swansong for him, as his biggest chart hits had come fifteen years earlier with the Happy Mondays.

I loved ‘Dare’ at the time, was very happy a song as odd as this had made #1, and am glad that it still sounds enjoyably weird all these years later. It was definitely a shadow number one though, coming on the back of the much more popular #2 ‘Feel Good Inc.’ In fact, not many would be able to name this as Gorillaz’s biggest chart hit, and would probably go for ‘Clint Eastwood’, their 2001 debut.

Once again I have to try to separate nostalgia from cold, hard fact but… Despite the misty eyed memories I have of the autumn of 2005, as I started my third year at university and fast approached twenty, I do think that with Oasis and now Gorillaz, we’ve hit a rich seam of chart-toppers, and the quality will keep up for much of the rest of the year.

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1015. ‘I’ll Be OK’, by McFly

/ UK #1s blog / 6 Comments

Here it is, then. The McFly number one that I’m not so keen on…

I’ll Be OK, by McFly (their 4th of seven #1s)

1 week, from 21st – 28th August 2005

But woah! Hold on. It’s not bad. It’s slightly heavier than anything from their debut album, and more adult in content. It’s a musical pep talk, an encouragement that however difficult life may be, you’ll be okay. Perhaps this was a sign that the sudden catapulting to Britain’s biggest pop act status had been tough on what was still a group of teenage boys. Keen McFly watchers will note that it’s their first #1 where Danny has taken lead vocals, which means they were definitely going for something heavier.

The musical references are more grown up too, with lots of classic rock touches, from the chiming U2 intro, to the Beatlesy guitar licks, and some seventies-Who synth lines in the middle eight. It actually is, in songwriting terms, a good piece of music. I particularly like the little bridge before the second verse, and the drum fill on the try a little harder… in the final verse. It’s attention to detail like this that elevates McFly from boyband to proper band.

So why don’t I like it that much? Well first I must admit that I am liking it more now, listening to it intently for this post. It’s a very solid pop-rock song. But it’s McFly trying to sound like someone else. When writing on ‘All About You’, I mentioned that their second album ‘Wonderland’ – from which ‘I’ll Be OK’ was the lead single proper – is my least favourite of all their LPs. Because they seemed to be trying too hard to prove themselves as proper musicians, cramming their songs with references from the greats, and worthy lyrics about depression (this song), midlife crises (‘The Ballad of Paul K’) and teen suicide (‘She Falls Asleep’, the first part of which is fully orchestral).

Having said all that, looking at the album’s track list now, I’m also remembering that the three subsequent singles were all great, and were all Top 10 hits (especially the rocking ‘I Wanna Hold You’, all about a final shag before the end of the world). Plus it has one of their all-time great album tracks, the emo ‘Too Close for Comfort’.

So, there it was. The McFly song I’m not too keen, but that is still a fine record. From my least favourite of their albums, which is apparently still packed with great tunes. Maybe I’m just fussy…

1014. ‘You’re Beautiful’, by James Blunt

/ UK #1s blog / 9 Comments

My reflex reaction to this next number one is to wince and think ‘Oh God, no…’

You’re Beautiful, by James Blunt (his 1st and only #1)

5 weeks, from 17th July – 21st August 2005

Such a kicking has this song, and its singer, taken in the public imagination. It is an uncool song – I’ve always viewed it as a ‘Lady in Red’ for the 21st century – by an uncool (and rather posh) singer-songwriter. It is the softest of soft rock. It is middle-class mum rock. It is music for people who don’t actually like music…

But is any of that really fair? Once I get over myself, can I enjoy ‘You’re Beautiful’? Let’s see. The languorous acoustic guitar riff is on-hold muzak. James Blunt’s voice is reedy (and, yes, very posh), and the way he trills the title line is highly annoying. The lyrics are creepy, all about stalking a girl on the underground… She smiled at me on the subway, She was with another man, But I won’t lose, Won’t sleep all night, ‘Cause I’ve got a plan… And in the second verse there is the most incongruous example of swearing in a number one single, ever. Why did he have to be fucking high? It’s so out of place in a song this gentle, that it’s either terrible writing, or a terribly misguided attempt to add some ‘edge’, or both.

So, yes. Or I mean, no. This is crap. Still. It was crap then, and it is crap now. Bland, limp, lifeless sludge with lyrics that either creep you out, or that don’t make sense. I do think that the melody is nice, and that with different words, different production, and a different singer, this could be a decent song. But that it is a lot of ‘differents’… And then Blunt went and followed this up with the even drippier, and even more annoying, ‘Goodbye My Lover’.

But, here’s the thing. I really like James Blunt. He comes across as a down-to-earth, engaging person. He’s an ex-Army captain, who saw active duty in Kosovo, and seems to have his singing career fully in perspective. Once he’d made millions from this song, and the accompanying ‘Back to Bedlam’ album, he moved to Ibiza and started dating supermodels. He is well aware of his luck, and forms part of an interesting phenomenon involving British artists who record generally dull music but who are funny, engaging, and down to earth when not singing (see also Adele and Lewis Capaldi). 

Plus we do have to recognise that Blunt almost completely redeemed himself for inflicting ‘You’re Beautiful’ on us, by releasing the wonderful ‘1973’ a couple of years later. Since then he has only had one further UK Top 10, and that’s probably for the best, but I wish him nothing but happiness.

One final thing to mention about ‘You’re Beautiful’, and one of the reasons why it felt like it hung around for forever and a day, is its six week climb to #1. It was the slowest ascent to the top for over six years (since Steps’ ‘Tragedy’), and a sign that download sales – introduced three months or so earlier – were changing the way that the charts moved. During the remainder of the 2000s, records climbing to number one became much more common, in a huge shift from the ‘airplay for months then enter at the top’ days of the previous decade.

1012. ‘Axel F’, by Crazy Frog

/ UK #1s blog / 15 Comments

The intro to our next number one poses a pertinent question. Wha-wha-what’s going on…?

Axel F, by Crazy Frog (its 1st and only #1)

4 weeks, from 29th May – 26th June 2005

Well, quite. At least the answer comes promptly… This is the crazy frog!

Yes, the animated ‘frog’ (it looks nothing like a frog!) that started life as a seventeen-year-old boy impersonating a motorcycle engine, became a sound effect, then a ringtone, then a huge chart-topping artiste. Ding ding!

It’s hard to imagine now, in a world where everyone has their phone on silent, but ringtones were a huge deal back in the mid ‘00s. And for some reason they had to be as annoying as possible. And we paid good money for them. It really was bizarre. In the early days they were basic monotones (with which you really had to take a leap of faith that they sounded like the intended song), then polytones (with layered melodies), and then realtones. Crazy Frog, AKA The Annoying Thing (that’s not just my opinion – it’s what his creator called him), was born from this world. Ding ding!

He came with two controversies. One was that his company Jamster were saturating TV advertising breaks with his nonsense. In May 2005, apparently 87% of the British population saw a Crazy Frog advert an average of twenty-six times. The other was that he had a small but clearly visible penis and scrotum, which some claimed was inappropriate for children. Ding… dong!

Perhaps inevitably, and thoroughly unhampered by these controversies, the cash-in single came along. It had Crazy Frog bababaabababaaba-ing and ringdingding-ing to the classic ‘Beverley Hills Cop’ theme, originally by Harold Faltermeyer, which had been a #2 hit in 1985. Of all the songs he could have desecrated, this was probably a good choice. It somehow, almost, works… The Frog’s garbled engine noises manage to fit around a sped-up version of the iconic synth riff. Of course, it’s insanely annoying. That goes without saying. But it also, I will admit, kind of exists capably as a song. Ding ding!

My problem here is not with Crazy Frog, or with novelty singles in general. One thousand and twelve number ones in, we’ve seen our fair share of silly songs. And I think Crazy Frog deserves a place up with there with the legendarily crap chart-toppers, like ‘Shaddap You Face’, ‘Star Trekkin’’ and ‘Mr. Blobby’. Not only was it era defining, and successful (four weeks on top, third best-selling single of the year, number one in thirteen countries around the world), but it claimed a huge scalp in keeping an established, real band off top spot. Crazy Frog released in the same week as Coldplay’s ‘Speed of Sound’, and outsold it by four copies to one… Ding ding!

No, my problem is with the fact that this did not end at ‘Axel F’. All the most heinous of novelties – your Blobbys, your St. Winifred’s kiddies, your Teletubbies – had the good grace to remain largely one-hit wonders. Crazy Frog dragged this out for four more Top 20 hits, and three full-length albums! Who in the name of God was sitting through entire albums of this garbage?! Not until 2009 was the Frog retired by its creators. And then in 2020 he was resurrected. Yes, right at the height of Covid, someone thought ‘You know what the world needs now? The Crazy Frog’. 

Ding ding!

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1009. ‘(Is This the Way To) Amarillo’, by Tony Christie ft. Peter Kay

/ UK #1s blog / 5 Comments

So… You should know by now that the charts don’t follow the rules. That they don’t play fair. That they don’t bend for tastes and trends. That they only respond to cold, hard sales (or, nowadays, streams). So it is that the longest-running #1 of the ‘00s so far, and the 4th highest-seller of the entire decade, is a re-released #18 hit from 1971.

(Is This the Way To) Amarillo, by Tony Christie (his 1st and only #1) ft. Peter Kay (his 1st of two #1s)

7 weeks, from 20th March – 8th May 2005

Back in 2005, I don’t think I’d ever heard ‘(Is This the Way To) Amarillo’, but it felt familiar. In that sense, it was probably a good choice for this project. Known enough to evoke nostalgia in the middle-aged, and insistently silly enough for us young ‘uns who were fresh to it. I’m not sure that this reason alone should add up to colossal sales, and seven weeks at the top, but perhaps that can be explained by the charity factor, and the involvement of the immensely popular Peter Kay. He had used the song in a 2002 episode of his sitcom ‘Phoenix Nights’, and the feel of it fits in perfectly with his old-school, working men’s club schtick.

I was never quite taken with the song, though. And I’m not just saying that retrospectively; it annoyed me with all its sha-la-la-las and perky horns. (This is me speaking as someone who is not usually put off by sha-la-la-las and perky horns.) Plus, it seriously did overstay its welcome. Maybe it’s because I was an avid chart-watcher at the time – and despite modern chart-runs making this one look positively brief – but I felt every moment of its forty-nine days at number one. Or maybe I was just annoyed that it kicked McFly prematurely off top.

Tony Christie was a crooner in the Tony Orlando, Tom Jones sort of mould, and had scored a #2 in the early ‘70s with ‘I Did What I Did for Maria’, about a condemned man who had blah blah blah you can guess the rest. He hadn’t been near the singles charts for thirty years, except for a bizarre cameo on electronic-indie act The All Seeing I’s 1999, Jarvis Cocker-penned #10 hit ‘Walk Like a Panther’. Despite the ‘ft.’ credit, this was not a remix, or a re-recording. How or why Peter Kay got a credit, when Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake have sung actual verses and choruses on recent chart-toppers without mention, I do not know.

The video was all Kay’s work, though, in which he marches to the song’s oompah beat alongside some particularly British celebrities. Parky, Ronnie Corbett, Tracy and Ken Barlow, Keith Harris and Orville, Sooty and Sweep, and more. Plus some slightly more dubious appearances from a football team with dwarfism, a Mahatma Ghandi lookalike who may or not have really been Indian, and a cigar-toting, shiny tracksuit wearing DJ and TV presenter who has been erased from more recent edits… It may only be twenty-one years old, but watching the video reminds you that the past really is a foreign country.

(If we follow the rule that says Peter Kay can get his name on a #1 single for mugging his way through the video, we should also be awarding a second chart-topper to Mr Blobby, a fifth to Shakin’ Stevens, and a seventh to Queen’s Brian May and Roger Taylor. And a first but by no means last number one of the year for Shaun Ryder.)

Peter Kay is the king of the strange credit on number one singles. He doesn’t sing on his one other official chart-topper (another charity effort coming up in 2009) but contributes vocals to a 2007 #1 in character, though he’s not credited as Peter Kay. All very complicated. Suffice to say, of the three number ones he’s been involved in, ‘Amarillo’ is the best. Make of that what you will.

This also gave Christie a brief chart renaissance, with a rerelease of his 1972 hit ‘Avenues and Alleyways’ making #26, eleven places higher than it had originally charted. He also returned to the Top 10 the following summer with ‘(Is This the Way To) The World Cup’, a classic example of why other parts of the UK take such pleasure in England not winning things…

A final thing to note is that one of the biggest ever changes to chart rules occurred right in the middle of this record’s run at the top: the incorporation of download sales. Not that it made a huge impact, as only songs with a current physical release had their downloads counted, and ‘Amarillo’s run at the top continued unabated. Nor did it mean a huge improvement in sales in general, with chart-topping singles still regularly struggling to sell more than 30,000 in a week for the next several years.

*Just a note to say that I’ll be slowing down the number of posts over the next month, as I will be travelling. I may take a while replying to comments as well. We should be back up to speed by mid September*

A shorter, sex-offender free version of the video:

The 2005 original video, if you don’t mind you-know-who…

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