2003 pop songs

Recap: #951 – #999

/ UK #1s blog / 8 Comments

To recap, then.

I’m bringing this latest recap forward by one, so we can extend the big 1000th number one festivities. After the announcement of the latest Very Best #1, we’ll have a poll to decide the Very, Very Best (and very, very worst) #1s up to now. And then special some guest posts!

This is also a landmark recap in itself, as it is the thirtieth time I’ve published one of these posts, in which I pause and reflect on what the past thirty (or more recently, fifty) chart-toppers can tell us about the state of popular music at the time. What conclusions, then, can we draw from the singles that topped the British charts between March 2003 and January 2005?

Two main genres jump out at me. And they are sub-genres that I have largely made up. There’s tacky dance, that genre of mid-‘00s dance in which an old tune gets tarted up and remixed with a basic dance beat. The beat might be disco-ish, or trance-y, but it is always cheap, and tacky. Think LMC’s ‘Take Me to the Clouds Above’, or Shapeshifters’ ‘Lola’s Theme’, or the daddy of them all: Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’. Even Elton John wasn’t beneath it, with his ‘Are You Ready for Love?’ redo. And while they may have been tacky, they were largely always catchy. And decent, even. I do have a lot of time for Room 5’s ‘Make Luv’, for one.

The other sub-genre has been less palatable, for me at least. It’s that slick and gloopy US hip-hop&B, with which American rappers and R&B stars belatedly started to score big British hits. It had been the dominant sound on the Billboard charts since the mid-nineties, but for some reason it really took off in Britain around 2004. Think Usher’s ‘Burn’, Mario Winan’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’, and Ja Rule’s ‘Wonderful’. One theory I have is that with single sales falling, and with these artists tending to be on big labels, they had the marketing clout to fill the gaps and take advantage of the slump.

Again, though, I didn’t dislike all such records. Nelly’s ‘My Place’ and ‘Flap Your Wings’ double-A was fun, and dare we still claim R. Kelly’s remix to ‘Ignition’ as a classic? Meanwhile this period’s biggest hit – Black Eyed Peas’ ‘Where Is the Love?’ – still has a lot of charm to it.

One other ‘genre’ needs mentioning, and it’s one that we’re starting to have to live with. Reality TV stars and talent show winners. It hasn’t felt as egregious this time around, but we’ve still met Pop Idol 2 winner Michelle (a song I did kind of enjoy), and her runners-up Sam & Mark. The X Factor-age began with a whimper from Steve Brookstein, original Pop Idol Will Young bowed out with the impressive ‘Leave Right Now’, while the greatest of all TV contest winners Girls Aloud finally managed a second #1 with a so-so cover of ‘I’ll Stand By You’. Meanwhile, non-singing reality TV accounted for the unexpected return of Peter Andre, and the even more unexpected appearance of Ozzy Osbourne on a chart-topping single.

That leads us to a more niche phenomenon that’s been seen over the past forty-nine number ones: old men. Elton, Ozzy, Oliver Cheatham (with Room 5), Steve Winwood (‘Call on Me’), and most recently Elvis, have all featured on #1 singles while well over the age of fifty. Or while dead.

I’ve hinted at it in an earlier paragraph, but we do need to reckon with just how low single sales fell during this era of the charts. From the latter-half of 2004, the record for the lowest sales for a #1 single has been broken twice, falling as low as 21,262 copies sold by the 999th #1, the re-issue of Elvis’s ‘Jailhouse Rock’. The incorporation of downloads into the charts is not far off, but I will argue that sales being in the doldrums has led to some interesting chart-toppers. I’m not sure if Kylie’s ‘Slow’, or Robbie’s ‘Radio’, or Tomcraft’s ‘Loneliness’ would have troubled the top of the charts in a more robust sales environment.

Before the awards, a shout-out to the most successful act of the past forty-nine… Busted, whose four chart-toppers have all come in this period. They brought rock, of sorts, back to the top of the charts, and paved the way for McFly to carry the torch to far greater heights…

To the awards, then. Starting as usual with the The ‘Meh’ Award for forgettability. All that hip-hop&B has given us plenty of dull chart-toppers, the two most egregious being ‘Burn’ and ‘I Don’t Wanna Know’. There’s also the easy target of Steve Brookstein’s plodding version of ‘Against All Odds’. But I’m going to go with a man who inflicted brain-melting dullness on us not once, but twice. I let Daniel Bedingfield away with ‘If You’re Not the One’ last time, but then he went and repeated the trick. My winner is his third and final #1, the snoozefest ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’. Yawn.

The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else also has a few ripe contenders this time. The double-hander of veteran US MCs Fatman Scoop and DJ Casper, and their eclectic hits ‘Be Faithful’ and ‘Cha Cha Slide’. The bizarre Xmas #1 ‘Mad World’, which I have just about forgiven for blocking The Darkness from the top. The fact that Ozzy Osbourne came anywhere near a chart-topping single… I think it has to go to Fatman Scoop’s slice of shouty nonsense though, if only for the nostalgia of remembering that I bought a copy and contributed to its surprise success.

For the thirtieth Very Worst Chart-Topper I did briefly think of giving it to Eminem, a man who I named as a Very Best Chart-Topper not long ago, for the stunning fall from grace that was ‘Just Lose It’. But no. Towering over everything, and this recap’s clear winner, is the God-awful ‘Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)’ by Eamon. He unleashed ‘ho-wop’ on the world, and the world briefly lapped it up. Shame on us. You may be thinking why Eamon and not his ‘ex-girlfriend’, Frankee? ‘F.U.R.B’ though is a significantly better record, if only for the line about not catching his crabs.

Finally, to the main event. Our latest Very Best Chart-Topper. Surprisingly, given that I usually wing this decision as I write, I have a clear Top 3 this time. In the bronze medal position, it is Tomcraft’s ‘Loneliness’, a dark trance banger, and the only non-tacky dance #1 of recent times. Proof that this blog has finally converted me to dance music! In 2nd, for the second time: Miss Britney Spears with ‘Toxic’. I did really want to give her it after passing over both ‘Baby… One More Time’ and ‘Oops…’, but a slightly better record stood in her way again. That was Beyoncé’s (and Jay-Z’s) Song of the Summer for ’03: the irrepressible ‘Crazy in Love’, a tune that still slaps as hard… does quick maths… TWENTY-THREE! years on. Yikes.

Let’s recap the recaps:

The Meh Award for forgettability

  • ‘Hold My Hand’, by Don Cornell.
  • ‘It’s Almost Tomorrow’, by The Dream Weavers.
  • ‘On the Street Where You Live’, by Vic Damone.
  • ‘Why’, by Anthony Newley.
  • ‘The Next Time’ / ‘Bachelor Boy’, by Cliff Richard & The Shadows.
  • ‘Juliet’, by The Four Pennies.
  • ‘The Carnival Is Over’, by The Seekers.
  • ‘Silence Is Golden’, by The Tremeloes.
  • ‘I Pretend’, by Des O’Connor.
  • ‘Woodstock’, by Matthews’ Southern Comfort.
  • ‘How Can I Be Sure’, by David Cassidy.
  • ‘Annie’s Song’, by John Denver.
  • ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’, by Art Garfunkel.
  • ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ / ‘The First Cut Is the Deepest’, by Rod Stewart.
  • ‘Three Times a Lady’, by The Commodores.
  • ‘What’s Another Year’, by Johnny Logan.
  • ‘A Little Peace’, by Nicole.
  • ‘Every Breath You Take’, by The Police.
  • ‘I Got You Babe’, by UB40 with Chrissie Hynde.
  • ‘Who’s That Girl’, by Madonna.
  • ‘A Groovy Kind of Love’, by Phil Collins.
  • ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, by Band Aid II.
  • ‘Please Don’t Go’ / ‘Game Boy’, by KWS.
  • ‘Dreams’, by Gabrielle.
  • ‘Forever Love’, by Gary Barlow.
  • ‘I Feel You’, by Peter Andre.
  • ‘You Needed Me’, by Boyzone.
  • ‘Holler’ / ‘Let Love Lead the Way’, by The Spice Girls.
  • ‘Stop Living the Lie’, by David Sneddon.
  • ‘Never Gonna Leave Your Side’, by Daniel Bedingfield

The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else

  • ‘I See the Moon’, by The Stargazers.
  • ‘Lay Down Your Arms’, by Anne Shelton.
  • ‘Hoots Mon’, by Lord Rockingham’s XI.
  • ‘You’re Driving Me Crazy’, by The Temperance Seven.
  • ‘Nut Rocker’, by B. Bumble & The Stingers.
  • ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, by Gerry & The Pacemakers.
  • ‘Little Red Rooster’, by The Rolling Stones.
  • ‘Puppet on a String’, by Sandie Shaw.
  • ‘Fire’, by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
  • ‘In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)’, by Zager & Evans.
  • ‘Amazing Grace’, The Pipes & Drums & Military Band of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard.
  • ‘Kung Fu Fighting’, by Carl Douglas.
  • ‘If’, by Telly Savalas.
  • ‘Wuthering Heights’, by Kate Bush.
  • ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.
  • ‘Shaddap You Face’, by Joe Dolce Music Theatre.
  • ‘It’s My Party’, by Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin.
  • ‘Save Your Love’ by Renée & Renato.
  • ‘Rock Me Amadeus’, by Falco.
  • ‘Pump Up the Volume’ / ‘Anitina (The First Time I See She Dance)’, by M/A/R/R/S.
  • ‘Doctorin’ the Tardis’, by The Timelords.
  • ‘Sadeness Part 1’, by Enigma.
  • ‘Ebeneezer Goode’, by The Shamen.
  • ‘I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)’, by Meat Loaf.
  • ‘Spaceman’, by Babylon Zoo.
  • ‘All Around the World’, by Oasis.
  • ‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’, by Baz Luhrmann.
  • ‘Bound 4 da Reload (Casualty)’, by Oxide & Neutrino.
  • ‘Because I Got High’, by Afroman.
  • ‘Be Faithful’, by Fatman Scoop ft. The Crooklyn Clan

The Very Worst Chart-Toppers

  • ‘Cara Mia’, by David Whitfield with Mantovani & His Orchestra.
  • ‘The Man From Laramie’, by Jimmy Young.
  • ‘Roulette’, by Russ Conway.
  • ‘Wooden Heart’, by Elvis Presley.
  • ‘Lovesick Blues’, by Frank Ifield.
  • ‘Diane’, by The Bachelors.
  • ‘The Minute You’re Gone’, by Cliff Richard.
  • ‘Release Me’, by Engelbert Humperdinck.
  • ‘Lily the Pink’, by The Scaffold.
  • ‘All Kinds of Everything’, by Dana.
  • ‘The Twelfth of Never’, by Donny Osmond.
  • ‘The Streak’, by Ray Stevens.
  • ‘No Charge’, by J. J. Barrie
  • ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’, by David Soul
  • ‘One Day at a Time’, by Lena Martell.
  • ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’, by St. Winifred’s School Choir.
  • ‘I’ve Never Been to Me’, by Charlene.
  • ‘Hello’, by Lionel Richie.
  • ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’, by Foreigner.
  • ‘Star Trekkin’’, by The Firm.
  • ‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’, by Glenn Medeiros.
  • ‘Let’s Party’, by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers.
  • ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’, by Bryan Adams.
  • ‘Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)’, by The Outhere Brothers.
  • ‘Unchained Melody’ / ‘White Cliffs of Dover’, by Robson & Jerome.
  • ‘C’est la Vie’, by B*Witched.
  • ‘I Have a Dream’ / ‘Seasons in the Sun’, by Westlife.
  • ‘Do You Really Like It?’, by DJ Pied Piper & Masters of Ceremonies
  • ‘Eternal Flame’, by Atomic Kitten.
  • ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’, by Eamon

The Very Best Chart-Toppers

  1. ‘Such a Night’, by Johnnie Ray.
  2. ‘Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White’, by Perez ‘Prez’ Prado & His Orchestra.
  3. ‘Great Balls of Fire’, by Jerry Lee Lewis.
  4. ‘Cathy’s Clown’, by The Everly Brothers.
  5. ‘Telstar’, by The Tornadoes.
  6. ‘She Loves You’ by The Beatles.
  7. ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’, by The Rolling Stones.
  8. ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’, by Procol Harum.
  9. ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’, by Marvin Gaye.
  10. ‘Baby Jump’, by Mungo Jerry.
  11. ‘Metal Guru’, by T. Rex.
  12. ‘Tiger Feet’, by Mud.
  13. ‘Space Oddity’, by David Bowie.
  14. ‘I Feel Love’, by Donna Summer.
  15. ‘Heart of Glass’, by Blondie.
  16. ‘The Winner Takes It All’, by ABBA.
  17. ‘My Camera Never Lies’, by Bucks Fizz.
  18. ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
  19. ‘You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)’, by Dead or Alive
  20. ‘Stand by Me’, by Ben E. King (Honorary Award)
  21. ‘It’s a Sin’, by Pet Shop Boys.
  22. ‘Theme from S-Express’, by S’Express.
  23. ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, by Sinéad O’Connor.
  24. ‘Would I Lie to You?’, by Charles & Eddie.
  25. ‘Stay Another Day’, by East 17.
  26. ‘Setting Sun’, by The Chemical Brothers.
  27. ‘Your Woman’, by White Town.
  28. ‘Believe’, by Cher.
  29. ‘Stan’, by Eminem.
  30. ‘Dirrty’, by Christina Aguilera ft. Redman
  31. ‘Crazy In Love’, by Beyoncé
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968. ‘Mad World’, by Michael Andrews ft. Gary Jules

/ UK #1s blog / 10 Comments

The Battle for Christmas Number One in 2003 was an epic for the ages, and one of the closest ever fought. And God was I annoyed about the way it went at the time…

Mad World, by Michael Andrews ft. Gary Jules (their 1st and only #1)

3 weeks, 21st December 2003 – 11th January 2004

The Darkness, the year’s cock-rocking breakthrough band (another example of how 2003 was a deeply strange musical year…) had already had several Top 10 hits and a huge-selling album, and looked primed to take the festive top-spot, with a throwback to the classic glam hits of seventies. ‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)’ sounded like Slade crossed with Queen crossed with Sparks. It was great, it was bookies’ favourite, and it was bought by me…

Then along came this two-year-old cover of Tears for Fears’ breakthrough hit, the musical opposite of the Darkness, understated, minimalist… dull… and outsold them by just five thousand copies. I thought it was a travesty!

But, now I’ve had time to calm down, twenty-three (!) years later, I can admit that this is an intriguing number one. It is miserable; but it is also starkly haunting. Lines like Dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had… and Children waiting for the day they feel good, Happy birthday, Happy birthday… do not your typical festive hit make. But it spoke to people (and if folks in 2003 think they are living in a mad world, then boy do I have news for them…) Plus, the muffled piano line makes me think of snow softly falling, so it is somewhat Christmassy, at a stretch.

I do wish they hadn’t used the echoey vocal effects, and had kept it even more spartan. It’s like they were worried that people might find it too boring, and so dressed it up unnecessarily. There is a tradition of minimalist festive hits – think the Housemartins, or the Flying Pickets – and this can just about sit alongside them. I do prefer the perkier original, with its natty synth riffs, and I do still wish the Darkness had made #1. This record would presumably have climbed to number one after Christmas, so both records could have had their moments on top.

Michael Andrews was a producer and writer of film scores, and Gary Jules (whose voice sounds to me remarkably like Michael Stipe) a singer-songwriter. Both had worked together previously and collaborated on this cover for the soundtrack to ‘Donnie Darko’, an indie movie released in 2001 and which, over two years later, had built up quite a cult following.

This leads to probably the real reason why I didn’t like ‘Mad World’ at the time. I was seventeen, had just finished my first semester at university, and this song, along with ‘Donnie Darko’, represented the cool kids. The edgelords. The Oh my God you haven’t seen ‘Fargo’…? crowd. I was not a cool kid, but deep down I did want to be. I just never seemed to like the things that the cool kids liked. I couldn’t help be drawn to the brash mainstream-ness of the Darkness.

Ironically, the minute this became a number one single, the cool kids would have had to ditch it for something much less well-known. But it had its moment, and was quite the story at the time. Neither Andrews nor Jules has appeared on the charts at any other time, and both remain gold-star one-hit wonders.

Apologies for the poor quality video…

967. ‘Changes’, by Ozzy & Kelly Osbourne

/ UK #1s blog / 5 Comments

Another of 2003’s slightly out of kilter number ones: Tatu, Room 5, R Kelly, Evanescence, Blu Cantrell… Now this.

Changes, by Ozzy & Kelly Osbourne (their 1st and only #1)

1 week, 14th – 21st December 2003

Although as we are nearing Christmas, traditionally a time of love, joy, and slightly out of kilter songs, perhaps this one isn’t as surprising. It’s a cover of the old Black Sabbath ballad, featuring Sabbath’s lead singer Ozzy Osbourne, and his daughter Kelly, plus a few lyrical tweaks to change this from a song about a romantic relationship to one about a father-daughter relationship.

So, ‘woman’ is now ‘baby’, the ‘I’ is now ‘we’, while the I love you daddy… line really makes me flinch. Is it serious? Is it a novelty? Is it a pointless indulgence by a fabulously rich, celebrity family? (Christmas cards with family portraits are bad enough, but here we have a freaking family duet just in time for the holidays…) Or is it just a cynical cash-in, with the Osbournes at the height of their MTV series fame? Apparently Kelly had demanded her dad write a song about her – he’d previously written songs for his other two children – which feels quite in keeping with her bratty persona from the show.

I don’t think the style of the song suits either of their voices. Ozzy sounds strained, compared to the original – decades of ingesting every narcotic known to humankind taking their toll – while if there is a style that suits Kelly’s voice, this isn’t it (though I’ll admit, I did like her cover of ‘Papa Don’t Preach’). Add in an orchestra and a choir, and you lose the original’s simplicity in a schmaltzy swamp.

For The Prince of Darkness’s only chart-topper I do wish it rocked a bit more. Or, indeed, at all. But the original was also an outlier in the band’s discography, featuring neither guitars nor drums. It had been inspired by Sabbath drummer Bill Ward’s separation from his wife, but wasn’t released as a single until Ozzy recorded a live version in the early nineties. Another notable version of the song is a much more soulful cover by Charles Bradley, made famous as the theme to Netflix’s ‘Big Mouth’.

Despite clearly being released with the Christmas market in mind, ‘Changes’ was never really in contention for the Xmas #1, thanks to an epic chart battle that we’ll get to in our next post. This was Ozzy’s sole UK Top 10 as a ‘lead’ artist, though he had featured once with Black Sabbath (‘Paranoid’, in 1970) and alongside Kim Basinger, on Was (Not Was)’s 1993 hit ‘Shake Your Head’. Kelly outdid her dad in this regard, by three to one. And this is only the second, and so far final, father-daughter #1, after Frank and Nancy.

Ozzy, fifty-five at time of release, becomes the third man in their sixth decade to top the charts in 2003, after Elton John and Oliver Cheatham. The year of the late-middle-aged man! He sadly died a few months ago, meaning that this record takes on an even more bittersweet tone listening to it now (although I still think it’s fairly crap…)

This video quality isn’t great, so here’s one with better audio…

966. ‘Leave Right Now’, by Will Young

/ UK #1s blog / 3 Comments

Will Young and Gareth Gates’ final chart-toppers (of four each), neatly sum up their post Popstars careers.

Leave Right Now, by Will Young (his 4th and final #1)

2 weeks, 30th November – 14th December 2003

Gareth’s final #1 was a cheesy, charity affair for Comic Relief. He then went on to release more cheese, before going into musical theatre and reality TV. He’s made the most of limited resources, and is just about still active in the industry. Will Young’s final #1, meanwhile, was a much bolder statement of intent.

It starts off with a folksy, acoustic backing, allowing his voice to do all the work. Yes, it’s light, a little reedy. But the lyrics require vulnerability, and vulnerability is what Will Young’s voice brings. The song then grows, with strings and a backing band of real instruments, to a subtly orchestral climax, before ending on Young’s wavering voice once again, singing the title line. I think I better leave right now…

It’s grown-up, and real, compared to the hits from his first album. The themes are mature too, about unrequited love, and about knowing when you have to follow your head over your heart. One contemporary review made me chuckle, claiming it to be one of the most English songs ever, a ‘Brief Encounter’ for the 21st century, complete with Young’s posh vowels and quivering restraint. (Years later, Young revealed that he had re-recorded his vocals multiple times because record executives thought he sounded too ‘gay’.)

That restraint goes, briefly, in the middle eight, when he even allows himself a throaty rasp on the I wouldn’t know how to say, How good it feels seeing you today… line. But that is overshadowed by the catchy simplicity of the chorus, which I remember going viral by the standards of 2003. This was the first moment when it really became clear to the general public that a TV talent show contestant could have some musical chops, and some hopes at longevity.

Though it should also be said that ‘Leave Right Now’ wasn’t written by Young, and was still released under Simon Cowell’s supervision. In fact, he released five albums in total under his original contract, only leaving in 2012. Beyond his four #1s, he’s scored seven further UK Top 10s, and has never had any of his nine studio albums chart outside the Top 5. Will Young probably isn’t the best solo artist unearthed by a reality TV singing show, and he’s definitely not my favourite, but he was the first to show that there was life beyond the usual bland covers and the cheese.

965. ‘Mandy’, by Westlife

/ UK #1s blog / 6 Comments

Blame me. I mentioned them in passing in my last post and, like a vengeful demon, that is all it takes to summon Westlife…

Mandy, by Westlife (their 12th of fourteen #1s)

1 week, 23rd – 30th November 2003

You might be wondering why I made a fuss about the end of ‘the golden age of boybands’, when Busted are the biggest pop group in the land, and Westlife are still cranking out the number ones. Well, I’ve explained why Busted weren’t actually a boyband, and in this post I’ll explain why Westlife were no longer one either.

Actually, the this cover of Barry Manilow’s 1974 UK #11 (and US #1) hit does the explaining for me. Westlife have renounced the boyband mantle, and any attempts to woo the traditional teenage girl market, and become full-on granny baiters. (Westlife, for all their many musical crimes, were not initially very cover-version heavy. This was only their fourth non-original #1 from twelve.)

And the fact that they are now mining a rich seam of proudly cheesy, easy-listening hits means that this is actually one of their more enjoyable chart-toppers. After the dirges that were ‘Unbreakable’, and ‘Queen of My Heart’, a cover of a Manilow classic is a pleasant surprise. Plus, they’ve added a strangely interesting sitar riff. And a key change, naturally.

Giving up any pretence at being relevant was probably a sensible career move for Westlife, and the run of MOR covers that started with ‘Mandy’ probably extended their chart careers for a good few years (and set them up nicely for a post-chart career touring Asia, where people’s love of a soppy ballad knows no bounds). This was the second single from their fourth studio album, ‘Turnaround’. The lead single – the slightly more contemporary and actually quite upbeat ‘Hey Whatever’ – had done the unthinkable and stalled at #4 in September. Which proves my point about this being the right move for a boyband almost five years into their careers, as back to #1 they went.

A couple of interesting things about ‘Mandy’ before we finish. It was originally written as ‘Brandy’, and had reached #12 in the UK in 1971 for Scott English. Manilow changed the name to avoid confusion with Looking Glass’s big hit ‘Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)’. And Westlife’s version technically has the biggest climb to #1 in chart history, after a handful of copies were made available a day early by mistake. It had charted at #200 the week before, then rocketed to #1 when properly released. The OCC only acknowledge the Top 100, however, and so it is officially a new entry at number one.

964. ‘Crashed the Wedding’, by Busted

/ UK #1s blog / 2 Comments

Busted’s first chart-topper, ‘You Said No’, burst a nostalgic bubble for me by being fairly lightweight, and pretty irritating.

Crashed the Wedding, by Busted (their 2nd of four #1s)

1 week, 16th – 23rd November 2003

But here’s the lead-single from their second album, and this is a little more like the Busted that I remember. Silly, peppy, catchy. Not as snotty or whiny as their earlier #1, perhaps because here they get the girl in the end. True love lasts forever, And now we’re back together, You might as well forget her, And walk away… She’s glad I crashed the wedding.

It’s still lightweight – I’ll accept that Busted were generally quite lightweight – but it zips along, has a brilliantly jarring final chord, and some funny lines (I like the idea that the girl sacks off the nuptials because she didn’t want a silly second name). It does also have some clunkier lines, and rhymes that are forced together with all the willingness of opposing magnets: He’s always hated me, Because I never got a J.O.B…

But that, presumably intentional, dumbness was part of Busted’s teenage charm. The utter chaos of the video is an even greater glimpse into why Busted were, for a year or so, Britain’s biggest boyband. It’s based on the wedding scene from ‘The Graduate’, and features food-fights, spanking, and plenty of drag. Gone are Westlife’s stools, and Blue’s tight dance routines. Even when more traditional boybands returned in the early 2010s, a lot of what Busted brought to the party remained. You could easily see One Direction starring in a (slightly more kid friendly) version of this video.

Having said that, I’m still not enjoying Busted as much as I did back in 2003. This may well be down to now being miserably middle-aged, but it might also be down to the fact that McFly were on their way to overtake Busted as Britain’s bigger (and musically more accomplished) pop-punkers. Foreshadowing this is the fact that McFly’s Tom Fletcher co-wrote ‘Crashed the Wedding’, and Harry Judd played drums in the video.

963. ‘Slow’, by Kylie Minogue

/ UK #1s blog / 3 Comments

And so Kylie manages to squeeze one more chart-topper out of her early ‘00s comeback.

Slow, by Kylie Minogue (her 7th of eight #1s)

1 week, 9th – 16th November 2003

Some chart-watchers dismiss number ones such as this, bought by Kylie’s fans rather than the general public, but I think they are a valuable chart asset, helping songs to the top that might not make it otherwise. Okay, we can blame most of Westlife’s endless parade of bland #1s on this phenomenon, but still. I’ll stand my ground. Instead of calling them ‘non-number ones’, as many do, I like to think of them as ‘fanbase hits’.

It’s especially appreciated when it sends songs as sexy and slinky as this to the top. Of all Kylie’s chart-toppers, this is the furthest left-field. The monotonous beat, the cool sheen, the fluttering heartbeat synths. And Kylie purring into the mic as if she were a tiger about to devour its prey. ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ was a weird record (as massive smash hits go), and ‘Slow’ is that song’s even weirder cousin. Had it been recorded by a cool electronic act like Goldfrapp or Hot Chip – and it could have been – then it wouldn’t have come anywhere near number one. Hence why ‘fanbase hits’ can be a good thing.

In fact, her singing style here is very different to the earlier versions of Kylie – a sort of breathy, doll-like style – and is one that she’s used for the best part of two decades now. Maybe it was age getting the better of her voice, though she was only thirty-six when this made #1, but it has grown even more nasal as the years have gone by. (And that, readers, is as close as you’ll ever hear me get to bad-mouthing Kylie.)

Though I will also admit to finding ‘Slow’ a bit slow at the time. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, or maybe I was still too busy spinning Fatman Scoop, but it felt a little like a non-event. Listening now, I can see how wrong I was. ‘Slow’ is an interesting pop record, an experimental pop record, another fascinating detour in the long career of Kylie (the almost sixteen years between this and ‘I Should Be So Lucky’ was a record for a female act at the time).

‘Slow’ also features a fabulous middle eight. In a career littered with camp moments, Kylie has never sounded gayer than when uttering the read my… body language line. What makes it even better is that it’s basically a well-placed plug for the album. Kylie breaking the fourth wall: iconic. In fact, ‘Body Language’ is regarded as one of her very best LPs, and the two later singles from it were also great (‘Red Blooded Woman’ and the even slower and sexier ‘Chocolate’), though it is generally over-looked for the two, better-selling albums that came before.

For two decades and more, this appeared to have been Kylie’s seventh and final UK chart-topper. But then a Christmas miracle occurred, and she managed an eighth, twenty-two years on. Which was amazing. Though also slightly annoying, because I’ll have to postpone my ‘Kylie Best of the Rest’ post until around 2030…

962. ‘Be Faithful’, by Fatman Scoop ft. the Crooklyn Clan

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First up, an apology. I bought this next #1 on CD single, and so played my part in a truly moronic record making the top of the charts…

Be Faithful, by Fatman Scoop ft. the Crooklyn Clan (their 1st and only #1)

2 weeks, 26th October – 9th November 2003

…yet I regret nothing. And I can’t even blame it solely on youthful exuberance. I thought this record was dumb at the time, and still do. It is loud, obnoxious, and vulgar. But somehow that is part of its ‘charm’ – though using a term like ‘charm’ to discuss a song like this feels wrong.

‘Be Faithful’ is essentially a mish-mash of samples, at least six, with rapper and hype-man Fatman Scoop bellowing stupid lyrics over the top, in his harsh New York accent. Scoop, it’s fair to say, has a voice that goes right through you. He makes a foghorn sound subtle.

There are lots of chops and changes of rhythm and tempo – this isn’t a record that unfolds slowly – and lots of call and response parts. A personal favourite was always the Engine, engine, number nine, On the New York Transit Line… (an old school hip-hop sample from Black Sheep) and, naturally, the following Who fuckin’ tonight, Oh, Oh! lines. Forgive me, I was but a child…

Part of the reason why I rushed to buy this record is that the song had been around for years, and had been played in nightclubs since I first blagged my way through their doors. The original had been recorded in 1999, and had been a minor hit in the US. Sample clearance issues meant that a proper release took years, though bootleg copies were circulated widely, hence how I first heard it.

The main sample involved Faith Evans, whose pleasant tones provide much needed relief from Fatman Scoop’s hollering, and her 1998 song ‘Love Like This’. Complicating things further was the fact that most of these samples were samples of samples, in Evans’ case from Chic’s ‘Chic Cheer’. It means that she does feature on a second UK chart-topper, though uncredited (a theme of the year), after ‘I’ll Be Missing You’.

So, after almost five years, Scoop and his Crooklyn Clan production team managed to dot the ‘i’s and cross the ‘t’s, and get a proper worldwide release (everywhere but the US) for ‘Be Faithful’, and scored a number one. And it is yet another remix, in a year stacked with them. I make it five now, or six if we include ‘Loneliness’…

Scoop’s long trek to the top didn’t kick off any prolonged success. He managed one further Top 10 hit, though he did stay very active in the music business with guest spots and remixes. He also appeared in various reality TV shows in the 2010s, before his death from heart issues in 2024, aged just fifty-six.

961. ‘Hole in the Head’, by Sugababes

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Sugababes return for their third album, and a third chart-topping single. But is this the forgotten Sugababes #1?

Hole in the Head, by Sugababes (their 3rd of six #1s)

1 week, 19th – 26th October 2003

On the face of it, not much has changed since their chart-topping double whammy of the year before. Same catchy, street-smart beats (musically this is an interesting mix of an R&B rhythm with an almost banjo-ey twang). Same sass. Seven hours since you closed the door, Started a diet, Got a manicure… They miss that boy like a hole in the head, to the point where they would kiss their own arses before thinking of him. The logistics of which escape me, but I like the sentiment.

Yet, this business-as-usual approach makes the song, decent as it is, come across as a little basic when compared to ‘Round Round’, and especially to ‘Freak Like Me’. Those two hits were at the forefront of a shift in pop music, from turn of the century bubblegum to beefier 21st century beats. Since then we’ve seen great pop records from Christina, t.A.T.u, Beyoncé, among others, and so you might have hoped for something bigger and bolder from the Sugababes’ return. Not to mention that Girls Aloud were threatening their ‘biggest girl group in the land’ crown.

If this had come out a year earlier I might have hailed it as revolutionary. As it is, I hail it as a decent pop record, but a bit of a retread. The Sugababes had done better, and have better to come. Also, and perhaps this is intentional, even the lyrics creak under a bit of scrutiny. The sass is almost performative. They are so adamant that they don’t miss this ex, that you start to wonder if the ladies doth protest too much.

Sugababes third album was, for me, a little bit of a step backwards, especially in terms of its singles. None of the others would make #1, meaning that it’ll be a couple of years before they return to these pages. Meanwhile, Girls Aloud had started churning out pop classic after pop classic. Not that it was much of a rivalry, except in the fevered minds of now middle-aged gay men (myself included), but GA did feel like the fresher force back in 2003. Interestingly though, ‘Hole in the Head’ was produced by Brian Higgins and Xenomania, who were much better known for their work with, yes, Girls Aloud.

960. ‘Where Is the Love?’, by The Black Eyed Peas

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Straight after asking if we’re ready for love, we’re asking where it’s gone already…

Where Is the Love?, by Black Eyed Peas (their 1st of five #1s)

6 weeks, 7th September – 19th October 2003

A song called ‘Where Is the Love?’, that opens with the line What’s wrong with the world mama, People livin’ like they ain’t got no mamas… might come across a little preachy. But I’ve never found this record insufferable, even after living through its six weeks at number one (more on that later). It is of its time, post 9/11 and Iraq, and at a remove of twenty-three years it feels impossibly idealistic that a band would record a song like this, or that it would be a massive hit.

Also, I do like that within the first thirty seconds the Black Eyed Peas have called the CIA ‘terrorists’, and compared them to the KKK. So this is immediately very different from the flood of patriotic guff that came (mainly in the US) straight after the September 11th attacks. It hasn’t really got a political bent; instead asking simply why we can’t be kinder to one another. A sentiment hopefully most of us can agree with.

Sure, some it comes across a bit like something you might hear at a school assembly, especially the chorus begging for divine intervention. But other bits still ring very true today, in lines like a war’s goin’ on but the reason’s undercover… and wrong information always shown by the media, negative images is the main criteria… The difference between 2003 and 2026 is that no pop stars today would dare make a record this ‘political’, much less have a big hit with it, as they’d get sucked into the culture wars meat-grinder and get cancelled, by one side or the other.

I try to keep my politics out of this blog but, when a #1 like this comes along it can be hard not to. Let’s get back to the music. Black Eyed Peas were a hip-hop trio throughout much of the nineties, and added the vocal talents of Stacy Ferguson AKA Fergie in 2002 to aid in a move to a more pop-leaning sound. It clearly worked, although the real vocal star on ‘Where Is the Love?’ is an uncredited Justin Timberlake, singing the chorus. His record company allowed his vocals to be used, but insisted he be uncredited as they feared over-exposure with his debut solo album having been launched a few months earlier. It meant that, after two #2 hits, he was denied a first chart-topper on a technicality, like Jay-Z a few weeks earlier. He’d have to wait three more years.

Apparently will.i.am, founder member of Black Eyed Peas, worried that ‘Where Is the Love?’ was a sell-out after their straight-up hip-hop albums in the ‘90s. The success of this track clearly turned his head, because within two years BEPs were releasing songs like ‘My Humps’. Then there are the group’s moronic late ‘00s hits, and will.i.am’s even more moronic solo career to come…

On a personal level, this song was #1 when I started university. In fact it was on top of the charts for the first month and a half of my living (and ‘studying’) away from home for the first time. The six weeks this record spent at number one was the longest stretch since Cher’s ‘Believe’ five years earlier, and no song had spent more than four weeks on top in-between. It is the fifth-longest stay at #1 of the decade, and so naturally this record went on to be 2003’s biggest-selling hit. However, the fact that it is only the decade’s twenty-fifth highest seller goes some way to showing how low sales had fallen by the autumn of 2003.