To recap, then…

The last few number ones to feature in this countdown have given me the feeling that the eighties are off and running. Those songs, from Shakin’ Stevens, Bucks Fizz and Adam & The Ants, may not be among the very best that this decade has to offer, but they are unmistakably of a time and place. You might think ‘Going Underground’, or ‘Call Me’ were #1s from the 1970s, but you wouldn’t make that error with ‘Stand and Deliver!’

Before the eighties got started, we had to pay our respects to the seventies, and even the sixties. John Lennon was murdered outside his New York apartment in early-December 1980, sparking several months of mourning at the top of the UK charts. Three of his records went to number one. Two of which probably wouldn’t have if he hadn’t died (‘Starting Over’ and ‘Woman’) and one of which surely had to top the charts at some point: ‘Imagine’. We can just thank our lucky stars it was the original that belatedly did it, rather than a cover by the ‘Cast of X Factor’, or something. It’s tempting to think that the need for something lighter then prompted the success of Shakey and Adam Ant, and the mini-glam revival that they brought with them, though I’m not sure how true that would really be.

And before all that sadness, we made our way through one of the great years for chart-topping singles: 1980. The variety was huge: country yarns from Kenny Rogers, old rereleases (the theme from ‘M*A*S*H’), and reggae covers from Blondie. And then there were the all-time classics sprinkled in amongst it all: ‘Atomic’, ‘Going Underground’, ‘The Winner Takes It All‘, ‘Ashes to Ashes’… This recap barely covers a year and a third, so quick was the turnover at the top of the charts – two weeks being the norm – and that aided the mix.

Things probably weren’t as cutting-edge as last time however. The spiky creativity of new-wave had, in the large part, given way to pop from some seventies leftovers: Bowie, Blondie, ABBA with their final pair of chart-toppers, and ELO finally getting their turn at the top in collaboration with Olivia Newton-John. Even the Bee Gees made an appearance, though as songwriters for Barbra Streisand rather than under their own steam. But it wasn’t all ‘oldies’: The Jam staked their claim as the biggest band in the country with a couple of #1s, and Dexys Midnight Runners hit top-spot with a genre-bending tribute to a soul legend.

And before I dish out my awards, it’s worth checking in on old Father Disco. Update: he’s still not dead, despite what they’d have you believe. Although the genre’s peak passed several recaps ago, various recent #1s still have that unmistakeable beat, and those swirling strings: ‘Together We Are Beautiful’, The Detroit Spinners, and Kelly Marie (who upped the tempo even more to give us a glimpse into the future of ‘80s dance-pop), right through to our most recent chart-topper from Smokey Robinson.

To the awards, then. In fact, this time the four winners have fallen into place very easily. There’s not been much deliberation needed at all. First up, The ‘Meh’ Award for forgettability. This one required the most thinking – I could have swayed to Fern Kinney, to ‘Crying’, to Smokey, even to ‘Woman’ – but in truth Johnny Logan’s Eurovision snooze-fest was always out in front. ‘What’s Another Year’ takes the crown this time around.

On to The ‘WTAF’ Award, dished out to those number ones that you just don’t quite get but at least they’re interesting. Again it’s an easy decision – the only other possibility being ‘Suicide Is Painless’ for its ten-year overdue success. But no. Step forward Joe Dolce and his Music Theatre for puncturing the Great John Lennon Mourning Period with his slice of Italian nonsense. No, you ‘Shaddap You Face’!

And speaking of easy decisions. It’s not often that a record as ear-achingly bad as ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’ comes along. I haven’t even considered what I would’ve named The Very Worst Chart-Topper if the boys and girls of St. Winifred’s School Choir hadn’t nabbed a Christmas number one. Because, let’s be honest, there can be no discussion. Looking down my ‘very worst’ list, there are some ‘bad’ chart-toppers that can count themselves unlucky to be sharing such hideous company…

And finally: The Very Best Chart-Topper. The sixteenth time it has been awarded and, to be honest, I’ve been planning this one for a while. I try to not plan my awards too far ahead, but since starting this blog, and these recaps, I’ve know that this record would be winning this award. And it helps that it’s only real competition – ‘Atomic’ – is ineligible thanks to my one award per artist rule. ‘Heart of Glass’ won last time out, and so the coast is clear for ‘The Winner Takes It All’ to reign supreme. ‘Waterloo’ finished third, ‘Dancing Queen’ finished second… ABBA’s best single finally wins it.

To recap the recaps:

The ‘Meh’ Award for Forgettability:

1. ‘Hold My Hand’, by Don Cornell.
2. ‘It’s Almost Tomorrow’, by The Dream Weavers.
3. ‘On the Street Where You Live’, by Vic Damone.
4. ‘Why’, by Anthony Newley.
5. ‘The Next Time’ / ‘Bachelor Boy’, by Cliff Richard & The Shadows.
6. ‘Juliet’, by The Four Pennies.
7. ‘The Carnival Is Over’, by The Seekers.
8. ‘Silence Is Golden’, by The Tremeloes.
9. ‘I Pretend’, by Des O’Connor.
10. ‘Woodstock’, by Matthews’ Southern Comfort.
11. ‘How Can I Be Sure’, by David Cassidy.
12. ‘Annie’s Song’, by John Denver.
13. ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’, by Art Garfunkel.
14. ‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ / ‘The First Cut Is the Deepest’, by Rod Stewart.
15. ‘Three Times a Lady’, by The Commodores.
16. ‘What’s Another Year’, by Johnny Logan.

The ‘WTAF’ Award for Being Interesting if Nothing Else:

1. ‘I See the Moon’, by The Stargazers.
2. ‘Lay Down Your Arms’, by Anne Shelton.
3. ‘Hoots Mon’, by Lord Rockingham’s XI.
4. ‘You’re Driving Me Crazy’, by The Temperance Seven.
5. ‘Nut Rocker’, by B. Bumble & The Stingers.
6. ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, by Gerry & The Pacemakers.
7. ‘Little Red Rooster’, by The Rolling Stones.
8. ‘Puppet on a String’, by Sandie Shaw.
9. ‘Fire’, by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
10. ‘In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)’, by Zager & Evans.
11. ‘Amazing Grace’, The Pipes & Drums & Military Band of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard.
12. ‘Kung Fu Fighting’, by Carl Douglas.
13. ‘If’, by Telly Savalas.
14. ‘Wuthering Heights’, by Kate Bush.
15. ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.
16. ‘Shaddap You Face’, by Joe Dolce Music Theatre.

The Very Worst Chart-Toppers:

1. ‘Cara Mia’, by David Whitfield with Mantovani & His Orchestra.
2. ‘The Man From Laramie’, by Jimmy Young.
3. ‘Roulette’, by Russ Conway.
4. ‘Wooden Heart’, by Elvis Presley.
5. ‘Lovesick Blues’, by Frank Ifield.
6. ‘Diane’, by The Bachelors.
7. ‘The Minute You’re Gone’, by Cliff Richard.
8. ‘Release Me’, by Engelbert Humperdinck.
9. ‘Lily the Pink’, by The Scaffold.
10. ‘All Kinds of Everything’, by Dana.
11. ‘The Twelfth of Never’, by Donny Osmond.
12. ‘The Streak’, by Ray Stevens.
13. ‘No Charge’, by J. J. Barrie
14. ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’, by David Soul
15. ‘One Day at a Time’, by Lena Martell.
16. ‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’, by St. Winifred’s School Choir.

The Very Best Chart-Toppers:

1. ‘Such a Night’, by Johnnie Ray.
2. ‘Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White’, by Perez ‘Prez’ Prado & His Orchestra.
3. ‘Great Balls of Fire’, by Jerry Lee Lewis.
4. ‘Cathy’s Clown’, by The Everly Brothers.
5. ‘Telstar’, by The Tornadoes.
6. ‘She Loves You’ by The Beatles.
7. ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’, by The Rolling Stones.
8. ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’, by Procol Harum.
9. ‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’, by Marvin Gaye.
10. ‘Baby Jump’, by Mungo Jerry.
11. ‘Metal Guru’, by T. Rex.
12. ‘Tiger Feet’, by Mud.
13. ‘Space Oddity’, by David Bowie.
14. ‘I Feel Love’, by Donna Summer.
15. ‘Heart of Glass’, by Blondie.
16. ‘The Winner Takes It All’, by ABBA.

In a couple of days we’ll continue on through the early 1980s. And up next: things get even more eighties, as the decade’s biggest star scores his first solo #1.