bubblegum pop

Best of the Rest – Steps

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I’ve been threatening this post for quite a while, and I’m sure many readers didn’t take those threats seriously. To them, all I can say is sorry. Never again will you underestimate this blogger’s love for some cheesy pop. Time to begin, so count me in…

Steps were a near-permanent fixture on the singles chart between 1997 and 2001, managing two number ones. Sadly, both of their chart-toppers were fairly average (‘Tragedy’/’Heartbeat’ and ‘Stomp’) while many of their near misses – they had five singles that peaked at #2 – are classics of their time and genre. The turn of the 21st century was a time when disposable, teeny-pop acts were ten-a-penny. But Steps still managed to carve their own niche. They weren’t cool, they weren’t sexy, they weren’t particularly down with the kids. They were camp, and catchy. Who were Steps’ fans? Was their continued success all the fault of gay men? (Probably, yes.)

You may be relieved to hear that I won’t do my usual Top 10 today. I’ll restrict it to a Top 5. But, what a five! Five bubblegum classics of the fin de siecle, and I will entertain no arguments to the contrary…

‘Last Thing on My Mind’ – #6 in 1998

I don’t think many people expected Steps to have any sort of career beyond their debut hit: the ultra-cheesy, line-dancing meets techno ‘5, 6, 7, 8’. But lo and behold, they returned with a proper pop song, combining an ABBA-esque piano line with a cheap and frothy chorus. And the revelation that at least two of the five, Faye and Clare, could actually sing! ‘Last Thing on My Mind’ had originally been recorded by Bananarama in 1992, but had stalled at #72. That version is even more indebted to ABBA, while the song’s author Pete Waterman has claimed it was inspired by Mozart. A bold claim, but I’ll buy it.

‘Better Best Forgotten’ – reached #2 in 1999

One of five Steps singles that fell a place short of top spot, ‘Better Best Forgotten’ is another ABBA(ish) melody with lots of late-nineties dressing. Please bear in mind that by constantly bringing up ABBA I am not being so bold as to claim Steps were in any way comparable to said Swedish Gods and Goddesses, but that the influences were clear… Meanwhile I can’t explain it, but the key change just before the chorus here is hands down the gayest moment in popular music.

‘A Deeper Shade of Blue’ – reached #4 in 2000

The 4th single from their second album was a slightly cooler affair, with an Italo-house beat and some dance diva vocals from Claire. It was another track originally recorded by someone else – in this case Tina Cousins – but Steps stepped in and made it their own. Musical vultures! It is more mature, and more sophisticated, than much of Steps’ earlier work.

‘One for Sorrow’ – reached #2 in 1998

There is a beauty about early Steps videos, which rival the cheapest of stock karaoke videos. Here they cycle, have a kickabout, and generally frolic in long grass and sunflowers somewhere in Italy. And the song is a melancholy dance classic, with the melody deeply in debt to… well, you know who it’s in debt to. Another thing to note is Steps’ consistent dedication to wordplay: One for sorrow, Ain’t it too too bad… (See also the deeper shade of blue/darker shade of me from the previous entry.)

‘Love’s Got a Hold of My Heart’ – reached #2 in 1999

For me, this is peak Steps. All boxes ticked. A candyfloss chorus. A Eurotrash beat. Cheesy dance routine on a pier (all while dressed in canary yellow). Claire absolutely belting it out (the way she lets rip on the resigned to my fate… line is a chef’s kiss moment). It lacks the usual hint of melancholy – making it one of their least ABBA-aping singles – and it sounds excactly like you’d expect Steps to sound, had you only ever seen a picture of them.

If you made it this far through the post, I salute you. Thanks for humouring me. I realise that Steps are written off by many as cheap tat, indicative of a time when pop was at its most disposable. And maybe it’s nostalgia for my youth (though I’d never have admitted to liking Steps at the time!), but I do think the five songs included here deserve their place in the pantheon of pop. Maybe not on the same floor, or even the same wing, but definitely in the same building as the likes of Kylie, or Madonna, or even, yes, ABBA.

Steps split on Boxing Day 2001, but reformed a decade later and have been touring and recording ever since, releasing some pretty decent dance-pop tracks. For reasons that I don’t quite understand, they seem to have acquired Michelle Visage as a part-time sixth member. There’s clearly a lot of people who still hold some affection for Steps. Including me. And I make no apologies for it!

896. ‘Don’t Stop Movin”, by S Club 7

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So far, S Club 7 have teased us with their two number one singles: a cheesy TV show theme, and a festive ballad. Okay records, but no real proof of why they were the turn of the century’s finest tween-pop bubblegummers.

Don’t Stop Movin’, by S Club 7 (their 3rd of four #1s)

1 week, from 29th April – 6th May / 1 week, from 20th – 27th May 2001 (2 weeks total)

Until now. Because here is their undisputed (by me) best song: an unapologetic disco-pop banger. Uncontrollably catchy, unarguably wholesome, utterly lacking in edge. But who needs edge? Not S Club. Not anyone, really, when they have such a complete and utter floor filler. I can genuinely not imagine a party where ‘Don’t Stop Movin’’ would not get people dancing (and if there is then I don’t want invited).

Musically, this smooshes the past twenty-five years of pop music into a blender and comes up with a balance that works. The strings are disco, the beat is a ‘Billie Jean’ rip off (not a sample, as some claim), and the chorus is pure nineties bubblegum. For 2001, you could claim that it sounds old-fashioned. I’d rather go with ‘timeless’. There’s even a vocoder, for the fabulously naff Don’t stop movin’ to the S Club beat… coda, giving things that Daft Punk chic.

Bradley McIntosh is on lead vocals here, for the verses. (I have seen Bradley perform this live, and to this date he remains the only chart-topping artist whom I have touched/got an autograph off). Then regular lead Jo takes over for the bridge, which is the part of the song that seals its classic status. And which, listening to it now, owes a big debt to Madonna’s ‘Vogue’. Right here on the dance floor is where you got to let it go… Her vocals ahead of the final chorus are actually fairly spectacular.

I often claim that British pop songs lagged behind their US cousins at this time, which they did. But ‘Don’t Stop Movin’’, while completely British in its production and tone, can compete in terms of quality with almost anything that Britney was putting out at this time. And if I had to choose between this and the overly earnest Destiny’s Child record it knocked off top spot then there’s no contest.

There will be those that argue for ‘Reach’ as S Club 7’s best song, and it is a debate that causes deep divisions. ‘Reach’ is a great pop song, if a little too goody two shoes for my liking. But the real reason why ‘Don’t Stop Movin’’ is S Club’s greatest song, and not ‘Reach’, is that while both could happily be played at a primary school disco, only one could be played in a respectable nightclub. This one.

827. ‘Bring It All Back’, by S Club 7

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Normal service is resumed, after the strangest of detours courtesy of Baz Luhrmann’s ‘Sunscreen’… Here’s some A-grade, late-nineties tween-pop.

Bring It All Back, by S Club 7 (their 1st of four #1s)

1 week, from 13th – 20th June 1999

I hear the Jacksons, I hear the Archies, I hear Disney themes… I hear a whole host of influences from classic sixties and seventies bubblegum. I’ve noticed that while listening to many of the recent pop number ones, I’ve ended up spending more time working out what they’re derivative of rather than hearing them as their own entities. And there isn’t a single note in ‘Bring It All Back’ that isn’t borrowed from somewhere else. Which means I want to sneer at it – my thirteen-year-old self certainly did – but dammit I can’t. It’s just too catchy, too packed with hooks, not to grudgingly admire.

Not that it’s at all clever, or that it isn’t cynical in the way it relentlessly hits each hook after hook, as if some modern day Pied Piper has designed a song that will lure in seven-year-olds across the land. I haven’t been able to listen to it for too long this morning without starting to feel queasy. Plus there’s no edge, no hint of an underlying melancholy, to the lyrics: Don’t stop, Never give up, Hold your head high and reach the top… It almost makes B*Witched sound punk. But still, as a pure pop song, it works.

Besides, I could never truly hate this. This is nostalgia. This is watching kids’ TV while still in my school uniform, looking forward to ‘Neighbours’ and ‘The Simpsons’, before, or perhaps after, playing football across the street, with my mum cooking dinner next door… Baz Luhrmann may have just warned us against the dangers of nostalgia, but I would pay a good sum of money just to spend five minutes back in that world.

This record is further evidence of a point I made a few posts ago, about British pop sounding, and looking, cheap and tacky next to the mega-watt US stars of the day. You can imagine Britney Spears’s team hearing five seconds of this, and dismissing it with a roll of the eyes and a “that’s cute”. And yet, ‘Miami 7’, the show for which this served as the theme song, was popular in the US. Clearly even their tweens had an appetite for British cheese.

S Club 7 were the brainchild of Simon Fuller, after he had been sacked by the Spice Girls in 1997. Presumably he wanted younger, more pliable charges (who wouldn’t rebel against him) which I guess fed through to the cuter, more upbeat music. It is said that the ‘S’ in the band name stands for ‘Simon’, which feels a bit cultish, but that’s never been confirmed. With Steps around at the same time, and with Hear’Say and Liberty X to come soon, it could be said that we are in the second golden age of mixed-gender pop groups, after the days of Bucks Fizz, Brotherhood of Man, and a certain quartet of Swedes (I hesitate to type out that band’s name, in case a casual skim-reader thinks I’m actually comparing them to S Club 7!)

I will happily admit, however, that S Club 7 have much better songs to come… At least two of which are genuine pop classics. Their sound matured, while their songwriters remained skilled at using strong reference points for their hits, be it Motown, disco, or even classical interpolations (see 2000’s ‘Natural’). Plus, I’ve met Bradley McIntosh – the only chart-topping artist I have ever touched – and he was cool.

817. ‘…Baby One More Time’, by Britney Spears

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It’s Britney, bitch.

…Baby One More Time, by Britney Spears (her 1st of six #1s)

2 weeks, from 21st February – 7th March 1999

Sorry, couldn’t resist. That iconic intro is still eight years off. But let’s be real, the three note piano motif (the official term, apparently) that introduced the world to Britney Spears, and that underpins one of the all-time great pop songs, is even more iconic.

Yes, ‘all-time great’. Up there in the pop pantheon with ‘Cathy’s Clown’, ‘She Loves You’, ‘Dancing Queen’, ‘It’s a Sin’… You name a pop classic from any era, and ‘…Baby One More Time’ is up there holding its own alongside them. It has all the indefinable qualities – the ability to hook you instantly, the ability to remain catchy but never cloying, the ability to still somehow sound fresh after twenty-five years – which all classics need.

But, I hear you argue, is this not too bubblegum to be an all-time classic? Don’t Britney’s vocal, shall we say, limitations not detract? To the first charge I say no, for this has as much underlying melancholy as the best ABBA songs. What other teenybop songs involve lines about fatal loneliness? And to the second I say that sixteen-year-old Britney’s vocal stylings are perfect for a song about teenage lust and longing. Plus, she managed to influence the way an entire generation pronounced the word ‘baby’ (Bayba? Baybay? Byebuh?)

To reach truly magical heights though, a song needs a moment where everything just clicks. That moment of transcendence arrives in the middle eight, as the chorus lines are chopped up and loaded with emphasis: I must confess, That my loneliness, Is killing me now…

Of course, this was a massive smash across the world, and now stands as one of the best-selling singles ever. It’s most recent placing in the Rolling Stone Top 500 of all time was #205. It’s also been voted the greatest debut single of all time, and the UK’s 7th favourite number one. Britney aside, it also properly introduced the world to Max Martin, one of the most successful chart-topping writers and producers of all time. At last count I make this his first of twenty appearances in the credits of a chart-topping single in the UK.

‘…Baby One More Time’ also won awards for its video, in which Britney flaunts almost every school uniform rule in the book. It got criticism too, for sexualising both school uniforms and the teenage singer in them, as well as the suggestion that it was glamorising sexual violence. Martin has since argued that the ‘hit me’ in the lyrics refers to ‘hitting someone up on the phone’ (as the kids put it in 1999), and that any confusion stems from the fact that English isn’t his first language.

But frankly, who cares? A song this good doesn’t deserve to be caught up in tawdry speculation about its slightly risqué video. Having said that, while this might technically be the best of Britney Spears many singles, it is not my favourite. Britney has five more number ones to get through, and two of those songs can rival this for classic status.

810. ‘Tragedy’ / ‘Heartbeat’, by Steps

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1999, then. Just writing it out – ‘1999’ – still feels pleasingly futuristic, despite it being twenty-five years ago. And what cutting-edge, avant-garde #1 do we have to guide us into the future…? Steps! With a Bee Gees cover…

Tragedy / Heartbeat, by Steps (their 1st of two #1s)

1 week, from 3rd – 10th January 1999

It is a cheap and cheerful (‘cheap and cheerful’ being the Steps motto) and pretty faithful cover of the Brothers Gibb’s 1979 chart-topper, the big hit of the ’98 party season. By the first week in January presumably everyone knew the hands-to-the-face-while-shouting-out-the-title-line move from the video, the record having taken seven weeks to climb to the top – a very slow burn for the late nineties.

‘Heartbeat’ is a little more inventive, and was initially the song that was pushed to radio. A wintery ballad, with lots of little retro-flourishes (I love the revving bass), sounding like something Barbara Dickson might have recorded a decade and a half earlier. Faye and Clare, the pair that usually took the lead on Steps’ singles, both have an oddly old-fashioned, stage school way of enunciating their lines which is well-demonstrated here. But they also both have a set of lungs on them, giving oomph to even the most banal of lines. As with most Steps songs, we are left to wonder what the two male members, H and Lee, are doing. At least here they contributed some nice backing vocals.

I will admit right now, loud and proud, that I like Steps. Whatever. Sue me. Yes, they’re camp. Yes, they are cheesy. Yes, they are a Poundland ABBA. And yes, occasionally they’ve made some truly awful records (‘5,6,7,8’ springs immediately to mind). But all that is forgiven thanks to the pop perfection of singles like ‘Last Thing on My Mind’, or ‘Love’s Got a Hold of My Heart’.

Sadly, they’re neither the first, nor the last, act to be poorly served by their chart-toppers. ‘Tragedy’ and ‘Heartbeat’ wouldn’t rank among their best songs (and the less said about their second #1 the better… until I have to write a post about it.) They match Sash! – see my previous post – for five #2s, at least four of which would have made better #1s than this.

1999 will take us longer to get through than any year so far, with thirty-five chart-toppers (up four from 1998’s total). But luckily we’re now hitting a typically eclectic run of January number ones, made up of genre-hopping DJs, boyband covers, punk rockers, and the shock return of a legendary new-wave band… Exciting times ahead!

804. ‘Girlfriend’, by Billie

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Right after B*Witched, the year’s second biggest teenybop act returns for another crack at the top…

Girlfriend, by Billie (her 2nd of three #1s)

1 week, from 11th – 18th October 1998

I thought ‘Rollercoaster’ was a big improvement on ‘C’est la Vie’, a record I detested. Is the same upswing evident with Miss Piper, bearing in mind that I didn’t find ‘Because We Want To’ anywhere near as bad as B*Witched’s accursed debut? Um… Not particularly. It’s more of the same, really.

It starts off fairly promisingly, though. Some excellent vintage record scratches, and some shoobydoobydoopdoops reminiscent of the classic girl groups. There’s a bit of sass in the verses, and I can certainly hear a bit of All Saints in there (as with B*Witched, Billie’s second single was clearly trying to add a little more edge). The song’s premise is that Billie has seen a boy that she likes, and she isn’t going to play it coy: Playin’ hard to get takes too long sugar, So I told my friends that I’ve found a man…

While I admire the confidence (very Girl Power), the song is let down by another chanty chorus. Do you have a girlfriend…? Can I have your number…? I don’t think it suits Billie’s voice particularly well, which adds to the grating effect. And I’m not sure this aggressive approach would have worked, romantically speaking.

I’ve lost count of how many pop songs in 1998 have had the same vaguely hip-hop backing beat and squelchy bass synths. It’s another step towards what I would call truly ‘modern’ pop music (i.e. the Max Martin sledgehammer approach). This is a bit more minimal than what’s to come, the simple beat decorated with various horn parps and string flourishes.

Billie Piper has an interesting post-pop career, but we’ll hold off on that for now. She has one final number one, with a big and beefy Y2K sound, and that will make an interesting contrast with her first two chart-toppers. It’s worth mentioning, before we go, that ‘Girlfriend’ put Billie out and clear as the youngest person to make #1 with their first two singles.

792. ‘C’est la Vie’, by B*Witched

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Ah Jaysus! If it isn’t one of the nineties most beloved pop ditties, so that it is…

C’est la Vie, by B*Witched (their 1st of four #1s)

2 weeks, from 31st May – 14th June 1998

I don’t feel so bad putting on the ol’ stereotypical Irishisms, because this silly record is drenched in such nonsense. It may be one of the decade’s best-loved pop songs, but it got on my tits aged twelve and I’m glad to report that it still gets on them twenty-six years later.

Is it the nursery rhyme verses? Is it the perky production? Is it the Irishisms? (Get a loife… What are ye like…?) Or is it all of the above, plus the group’s horrific double-denim outfits in the video? Yep, it’s the whole shebang. This is bubble-gum so sweet and cloying that you want to spit it out after just five seconds.

And if you sit down to really listen to the lyrics, a fool’s errand with a song like this, then your distaste only deepens. Say you will, Say you won’t, Say you’ll do what I don’t, Say you’re true, Say to me, C’est la vie… They are words, words put together, put together because they form catchy rhymes, in English and in French; but they’re gibberish. Of course this isn’t the first pop song to make zero sense, so perhaps I’m being harsh. But even the innuendo – and I’m normally a big fan of innuendo – leaves me rolling my eyes. Do you ever get lonely playing with your toy…? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours… Oh lord, please don’t.

The closest this comes to passable pop is in the bridge, the huff and puff bit (this record is very heavy on the nursery rhymes). And that bit is undeniably catchy. But just as you begin to put together a defence for ‘C’est la Vie’, in comes the demented faux-Riverdance middle-eight and your case crumbles. Nope, nope, nope. Cover it in lead and chuck in the Liffey.

B*Witched were from Dublin, and had formed in 1996. Two of the four were twins, Edele and Keavy Lynch (sisters of Boyzone’s Shane Lynch), while the other two were their friends from dance and kickboxing classes. At least they didn’t go down the bland ballad route of their brother’s group (I should add a ‘yet’, as we have three more B*Witched #1s to get through). You can see what they were going for with the slightly watered-down version of fun and feisty girl power, but I wasn’t the right age for it in 1998 and I’m certainly not the right age for it now. I am, however – and without giving too much away – fully prepared to defend their next chart-topper as a lost classic.

We’ve had plenty of pop number ones in the past few years. But everything about ‘C’est la Vie’, from the production to the video, ups the cheese, the bubble-gum, the trashiness… call it what you will. And this record sets the tone for the next couple of years, in which the singles chart will be dominated by primary coloured, tween pop. And we can perhaps explore why that was as we get closer towards the end of the century…

As a final aside, and with the eyes of the world currently on Paris, I make this the 3rd number one single with a French title, after ‘Que Sera Sera’ and ‘Je T’Aime… Moi Non Plus’. Let me know if I’ve missed one.

769. ‘MMMBop’, by Hanson

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From an uplifting gospel classic, to some undeniable nineties bubblegum. The charts in the spring of 1997 were on a feelgood trip…

MMMBop, by Hanson (their 1st and only #1)

3 weeks, from 1st – 22nd June 1997

Having said that, though, I’m not sure that ‘bubblegum’ really does ‘MMMBop’ justice. Yes, it’s got the nonsense title, and the catchy chorus, but the verses are actually quite… grungy? The riff is not a million miles away from an acoustic version of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’, and the way the wordy lines bump up against the melody is quite sophisticated. Let’s not call it grunge, but note that it owes a debt to alt-rock acts of time.

Until the chorus, that is, when we leap wholeheartedly into pure-pop territory. Has there been a bigger, more instant, less forgettable, earworm in music history. Probably, but I can’t think of it right now. I can’t think of it because I’m listening to ‘MMMBop’, and am unable to focus on anything but that chorus.

I’m also remiss in calling the title ‘nonsense’, for I have just now googled ‘what is an MMMBop’, and found that it is the “sound of time passing very quickly”. How profound. Even more profound are the lyrics, which again I’d never paid much attention to: You have so many relationships in this life, Only one or two will last… When you get old and start losing your hair, Can you tell me who will still care…? Deep. Sightly clumsy – it was written by teenagers, after all – but deep.

When this record came out, all the talk in the playground wasn’t so much how young Hanson were, but how everyone thought their lead singer was a girl. Which, looking back now, seems ridiculous. It’s clearly a boy with long hair. But then small-town Scotland isn’t always the most cosmopolitan of places, and very few lads were strolling down our High Street with shoulder length blonde locks. I will credit Taylor Hanson, though, as being one of my very first crushes… He may not have been a girl, but I still thought he was cute. (I’ve just checked, and he’s still a decent looking chap in his forties…)

Taylor, and his brothers Isaac and Zac, from Tulsa, Oklahoma, had been in a band since 1992. They’d released a couple of independent albums, one of which featured a slower version of ‘MMMBop’. They were spotted playing at South by Southwest, and recorded an album produced by the Dust Brothers, who added all the cheesy touches and scratches to this lead single, which made #1 across the globe. In my review of the Spice Girls ‘Mama’ I called the same scratch effects ‘dated’, but here they seem to add to the period charm.

Do I love this as much as ‘I Wanna Be the Only One’? Probably not. Not sure why I need to compare them, other than the fact they topped the charts together, and are both feelgood classics. ‘MMMBop’ ultimately sounds a bit more of its time, though in today’s rush for all things nineties it’s definitely been reclaimed as a classic. Even in 1997 it broke through the critics’ defences, and was voted as Single of the Year by The Village Voice.

Hanson remain a going concern, with the brothers still recording and touring together. They have fifteen children between them, which is impressive. Away from music, they’re involved in a lot of charity work, and have even launched their own craft beer… wait for it… MMMHops.

336. ‘Young Love’, by Donny Osmond

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We’ve heard this one before, haven’t we…?

Young Love, by Donny Osmond (his 3rd and final #1)

4 weeks, from 19th August – 16th September 1973

Cast your mind all the way back to early 1957, when blue-eyed, all-American heartthrob Tab Hunter was crooning his way into the hearts of many with his own version of ‘Young Love’. I wasn’t keen on it then – and I quote: “I’ve listened to ‘Young Love’ several times now, trying to find something to like about it, but I can’t do it. It’s insipid. And that’s it” – and I ain’t much keener on it now.

It’s a pretty faithful cover – the same lullaby guitar and lyrics, with a few strings thrown in for that trademark Osmond schmaltz. Donny sounds like… Donny. It’s not as teeth-grindingly terrible as ‘The Twelfth of Never’, but it’s no ‘Puppy Love’. Who’d have thought, when I gave ‘Puppy Love’ it’s glowing review, that it would wind up being the best of Donny Osmond’s three chart-toppers!

No, I’m going to play nice. Yes, this is complete tripe, but as I say every time: I am not the target audience for it. Same way that I will not be the target audience for New Kids on the Block, Boyzone, Westlife or 1 Direction, when their times come. Plus, it’s a song by a fifteen year old kid. No way would I want any of the stupid things I did, said, wore, or released on 7” vinyl around the world, aged fifteen, held against me. I’ll let him be…

But then, oh Jesus, he starts talking. Even Tab Hunter didn’t go this far… Just one kiss, From your sweet lips, Will tell me that our love is real… Donny, son, you’re making it really hard for me to not write terrible things about you… You just know that this was the exact moment in the song where girls across the country leant in to give their Donny posters a good hard snogging.

It’s short, at least, two and a half minutes and we’re through. That’s it as far as this young man’s solo chart-toppers are concerned, though he does have one more #1 coming up soon with his brothers in tow. I feel we need write no more.

Except, I guess it’s interesting that back in the fifties, at the same time as Tab Hunter took this to the top first time around, right on the verge of the rock ‘n’ roll revolution, that it was common for artists to cover songs from the twenties and thirties. Connie Francis took ‘Carolina Moon’ to the top, Bobby Darin did the same with ‘Mack the Knife’, while Tommy Edwards used an old melody in ‘It’s All in the Game’. This disc marks the first time, of many, that a former #1 will return to the top as a cover version. And, scarily, the 1950s are to the 1970s what the 1930s were to the ‘50s…

301. ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’, by Middle of the Road

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On with the next three-hundred! And our 301st #1 gets going with a promising glam rock stomp. Seriously, this is a great record… for the first three or four seconds.

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Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, by Middle of the Road (their 1st and only #1)

5 weeks, from 13th June – 18th July 1971

Then the handclaps come in, and a voice that sounds like a knock-off Lulu. Where’s your mama gone? (Where’s your mama gone?)… Little baby bird… Far, far away… Mummy bird’s gone, flown the coop. Where’s your papa gone? (Where’s your papa gone?)… Daddy bird too. That’s half the song.

Then: Last night I heard my mama singin’ a song, Woke up this morning and my mama was gone… Oo-wee, Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep! That’s the second half of the song. It gets annoying, quickly. Did anyone say ‘bubblegum’?

No, that’s harsh. ‘Bubblegum’ needn’t be a dirty word. ‘Dizzy’, for example was a fine slice of bubblegum pop. I should have asked: did anyone say ‘cloyingly irritating novelty’? This is a record that shouldn’t appeal to anyone over the age of five. And yet, we all know it. I don’t think I’ve ever heard ‘Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep’ in its entirety until now, but I sure as hell knew that chorus.

The lyrics – the four lines that make up this entire song – are actually quite sad. The singer is either a bird, abandoned in her nest. Or the singer is a child, abandoned by her parents, who sees an abandoned bird and feels a sense of kinship. To her credit, though, she’s not wallowing in despair. Oh no. She sounds as if she’s determined to make something of her life regardless of the tough start. Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp!

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I don’t mind a novelty, but this song makes very little sense, and midway through the chorus starts repeating over and over, and over. Let’s go now! You frantically check that this record isn’t actually six minutes long. All together now! No, just forty seconds left, thank God. One more time now! Phew.

Middle of the Road were (‘are’ actually, they’re still going) a Scottish band, who had a brief burst of fame in the UK in the early seventies, with this and other hits such as ‘Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dum’ – which I listened to and found to be not as bad as their only #1. They were huge across Europe – I guess the simple lyrics and sugary tunes translated well – and I’ve seen some sources label them as a predecessor to ABBA. (Which is like saying the first ever wheel carved from a hunk of rock by a hairy caveman is a predecessor to a Ferrari.)

Anyway, that’s that. Had Middle of the Road arrived at the top of the charts just a few weeks earlier, then Dana would have had some stiff competition for ‘Worst Chart-Topper’ last time out. But they’re safe, for now…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGyPrmbgan0

Enjoy all the previous 300 number ones with this playlist (I promise most of them are better than this.)