Another chart-topping remix, in a summer full of them…
Are You Ready for Love, by Elton John (his 6th of ten #1s)
1 week, 31st August – 7th September 2003
Although, I think calling this a remix is generous. It’s more of a remaster, a sharpening of the mix, cleaning the tapes, that sort of thing. Even though it has been ‘remixed’, you’d be hard pressed to tell the difference between the 2003 chart-topping version and the 1977 original.
Which is a good thing. This is a slice of late seventies disco, almost unknown and unearthed, crashing incongruously to the top of the charts twenty-five years too late. All the flourishes that we remember from the golden age of disco are present and correct: a frisky beat, a natty bassline, swooshing strings… It begs the question why this didn’t do better than reaching #42 at the time.
John had recorded it in ’77, but released it in 1979 on an E.P. of songs recorded with legendary soul producer Thom Bell, during a period in which he and Bernie Taupin were not working together. The Spinners recorded a version, and also guested on a special mix of the song with Elton.
Fast-forward to 2003, and a remixed version of the song was being used to advertise Sky Sports’ coverage of the coming football season. Demand built up and, hey presto, Elton had his sixth chart-topper. It was also his third, and final, completely solo number one (though Ashley Beedle, the DJ who remixed it, might argue with that).
This great but slightly random #1 adds to the sense of 2003 as being the year for great but slightly random #1s… From Russian lesbians, to disco remixes from adverts for Lynx deodorant (and Sky Sports), to Bollywood covers of ‘Spirit in the Sky’ and proper heavy, emo rock, there’s a feeling of falling sales allowing the charts to breathe, and indulge in something more fun, rather than being an endless week-by-week parade of the biggest names in pop.
It also adds to the sense of Elton John’s later career being marked by slightly strange hits, such as this. It follows on sharply from his duet with Blue a few months earlier, the first time he had ever had two chart-toppers within a year. Stranger number ones are to come for Elton, before very long…
Another 2003 #1 that seemed to appear out of nowhere at the time…
Breathe, by Blu Cantrell (her 1st and only #1) ft. Sean Paul (his 1st of two #1s)
4 weeks, 3rd – 31st August 2003
And another remix. Shall we dub this the summer of the remix, after ‘Ignition’, this, and the chart-topper up next? Compared to R. Kelly’s re-tuned hit, the differences between the original ‘Breathe’ and this chart-topping version are minor: a mix that brings the distinctive horns more to the front, and Sean Paul. (The best part of this ‘summer of the remix’ is that the fact they are remixes is introduced to the listener at the start of each track: Sean Paul and Blu Cantrell, Remix that gonna make yo’ head swell…)
It’s a pretty simple song. There are the big, brassy horns – a sample from Dr Dre’s 1999 hit ‘What’s the Difference’, which in turn had been borrowed, and slowed down, from a 1966 Charles Aznavour hit called ‘Parce Que Tu Crois’ (who thus features on an unlikely second #1) – and Cantrell’s big, brassy vocals. She has a very mid-nineties diva, why use one note per syllable when you can use ten, sort of voice. It’s impressive, and makes you wonder why she didn’t become a bigger star.
It is in direct contrast with Sean Paul’s deadpan rapped intro and verse. If Blu Cantrell felt like she’d appeared out of nowhere, then Sean Paul was already one of the breakout stars of the year, with three Top 10 hits of his own and a #2 alongside Beyoncé to come. I always think of him as the successor to Shaggy, in terms of his indecipherable patois and throaty delivery (though Shaggy always seemed to be having a bit more fun with it).
So, I like this song. It breezes by, and it has a wonderfully swinging hook. (Any song that brings Dr Dre and Charles Aznavour into the same room has to be worth something.) I do wonder if I am more disposed towards this song because, like the remix to ‘Ignition’, it was one of the songs of the summer between high school and university. I have a clear memory of this playing in a friend’s garden as we had a barbecue… But I also wonder if that matters. What is the point of music if we take memory out of the equation and dissect it on a cold, emotionless slab?
Sean Paul would go on to have a career of some longevity, though his next number one is a decade off and his biggest hit won’t come until 2016 (and whether or not he’s even credited on it is a bone of contention). Blu Cantrell meanwhile would release one more album, and enjoy one more Top 40 hit. Interestingly, her biggest hit in her native US (2001’s ‘Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops)’) was a much smaller hit in the UK, as ‘Breathe’ was in the States. At the time there were rumours about her having had a career in porn prior to the musical success – to the point that I instantly remembered this fact twenty three years on – but it turns out she had had nothing of the sort. A photoshoot aged eighteen was as raunchy as she got. Maybe that counted as ‘porn’ in the more innocent days of 2003, or maybe it all stemmed from the fact her name was ‘Blu’…
In writing my post on Daniel Bedingfield’s previous number one, ‘If You’re Not the One’, I discovered that he claimed to not like that ballad. Too soppy, too Westlife-y, not a fair representation of him as an artist…
Never Gonna Leave Your Side, by Daniel Bedingfield (his 3rd and final #1)
1 week, 27th July – 3rd August 2003
So of course, he insisted that his label release something completely different as the album’s fifth single. Rap? Rock? Salsa? Nope. More of the same treacly schmaltz. I bet you could play this alongside ‘If You’re Not the One’, simultaneously, and they’d sync up pretty nicely. Gloopy synths, Spanish guitars, a string section. All very dull.
I do think the chorus here soars a little more, perhaps, and the heartbeat rhythm hints at something darker. But I also think I’m being generous. Overall, a dull, thankfully short-lived, interlude at the top in a year which has generally been filled with interesting chart-toppers. I have my next ‘Meh’ award in mind already.
Impressively, this was indeed the fifth single from Bedingfield’s debut album, a year and a half on from ‘Gotta Get Thru This’. Off the top of my head I can’t think of many fifth-single-from-an-album number ones. And I should clarify that this wasn’t the follow-up to ‘If You’re Not the One’. In-between he had released the far peppier ‘I Can’t Read You’ which peaked at #6. So what do I know? Clearly people wanted the ballads… Again, though, we can look to rapidly plummeting single sales clearing the way for some ‘easy’ number ones if you picked the right week to release.
Daniel Bedingfield would milk the debut album for a frankly greedy sixth single, before scoring just one further Top 10 from his second LP. He was a strange, flash-in-the-pan sort of pop star: three number ones in a year and a half, then very little else. He took an injury-forced hiatus following a bad car crash in 2004, but has never released a third album. Luckily for those already suffering from Bedingfield-based withdrawal symptoms, his sister will be along shortly to fill the void.
The song of the summer for 2003, for the noughties, perhaps for all time…
Crazy in Love, by Beyoncé (her 1st of six solo #1s)
3 weeks, 6th – 27th July 2003
It comes in strong. The way those horns slam in, taking the door off its hinges, making everyone withing a mile-radius jump to their feet. The first words uttered are Jay-Z’s Yes! It’s hard to imagine a more upbeat start to a pop song.
I’m not usually one to describe something as ‘joyous’, and would narrow my eyes at any song that someone described in that way. But it just fits as a description here. For a song that is about being head over heels in love, it ticks every box. From the blaring horns – a sample from the Chi-Lites’ 1970 recording ‘Are You My Woman (Tell Me So)’ – to the uh-oh-uh-oh-oh-no-no fills. From the grab you by the shoulders chorus to the glorious middle-eight, written by Beyoncé herself: Got me lookin’, So crazy my baby…
Hooks, hooks all the way. I’m listening to it now with a smile across my face, despite hearing it almost every day that summer and pretty regularly ever since. It’s the real litmus test of a classic: is it good in an art gallery stand-and-admire-it sort of way, or is it good in a still-gets-you-up-dancing-twenty-three-years-later sort of way? ‘Crazy in Love’ is firmly in the latter camp. It feels trite to say, but it still sounds fresh all these years on.
It also announces Beyoncé, who had of course enjoyed two #1s with Destiny’s Child, as the female star of the ‘00s. It wasn’t her debut solo single – that had been ‘Work It Out’, a #7 from the ‘Austin Powers: Goldmember’ soundtrack, and a perfectly serviceable soul-funk track – but it did feel like it. Plus there was the intrigue of Jay-Z guesting, and the rumours about their relationship being more than just purely musical.
*I must admit to having to add an edit here, as after writing the entire post I have just discovered that Jay-Z is NOT credited on the single, or by the Official Charts Company… I had always just assumed this was ‘Beyoncé ft. Jay-Z’!*
In fact, it’s interesting to approach this from the angle of Jay-Z actually being the bigger solo star at the time. He’d first appeared in the Top 10 back in 1997, and had enjoyed several big feature hits over the years, as well as his own #2 ‘Annie’ remake, ‘Hard Knock Life’ in 1998. ‘ft. Jay-Z’ became a pop song cliché in the ‘00s, as ‘ft. Pitbull’ would in the ‘10s, but he was a genuine chart force. In fact, ‘03 Bonnie and Clyde’ had been a #2 hit a few months earlier, as Jay-Z ft. Beyoncé, as a sort of soft-launch of their romantic-slash-professional relationship.
From this point on though, Beyoncé would be the bigger star. The biggest female pop star of the century? Possibly, though I would argue that she has never produced a moment bigger than this, her ‘debut’ solo single. That’s not a criticism; it would be hard for anyone to top a track as good as this. The only one of her following five chart-toppers that comes close to this is… Well, I won’t give that away. All I’ll say is that it’s a duet with the one woman who can rival her for the ‘female star of the century’ title…
It’s becoming a bit of a theme with 2003’s number ones. They come along, and you go ‘Huh?’
Bring Me to Life, by Evanescence (their 1st and only #1)
4 weeks, 8th June – 6th July 2003
Evanescence making number one is the biggest ‘huh’ of all. Mainly because rock music has been pretty absent from the top of the charts in the 21st century. Huge fanbase acts like U2, Oasis and the Manics aside, the truly only contemporary rock chart-topper in four years has been Limp Bizkit.
So how, and why, did this record spend a month on top of the charts? It wasn’t a breakthrough moment for a band who’d put in the hard miles; this was their debut single. Was it the last hurrah of nu-metal, with a very Linkin Park-ish mix of overwrought vocals and rapping? Was it because it is really a pop song in disguise, with a very catchy call and response chorus? Was it the novelty value of a woman singing lead vocals on a rock track? Was it a beneficiary of the low sales climate?
I’m going to be a proper historian and do the hedge my bets, all of the above move. Plus it had featured on the soundtrack to the movie ‘Daredevil’, which had been released that February, giving it several months of free promo. Basically, it was a ‘lightning in a bottle’ moment, the stars aligning and returning rock music to the top of the charts.
Sadly, despite this being a moment, I’ve never really liked ‘Bring Me to Life’. It’s just too much. Too overwrought, too serious, too emo. The one bit that speaks to me is the even-more-bombastic-than-the-rest middle eight. Frozen inside… And I say this as a big fan of My Chemical Romance, the ultimate emo band. But MCR always managed to give the feeling of deliberately going OTT with a knowing wink. Evanescence don’t. I had it in my mind that they had a Christian rock background… They don’t (though singer Amy Lee and guitarist Ben Moody met at a Christian youth camp), but they have that vibe. Meanwhile the shouty rap parts were delivered by Paul McCoy, who wasn’t even a full-time member of the band (sometimes he’s given a ‘ft’ credit).
If you’ve been listening carefully, there have been hints that rock music has been planning a return to the mainstream. Pink’s ‘Just Like a Pill’ used the same emo influences in a much poppier way. 2003’s version of a boyband, Busted, freely wield guitars. Girls Aloud had surf guitars on their reality TV winners single… Okay, it might be a tenuous link from ‘Sound of the Underground’ to this, but when you view things from a distance it does start to make sense. Pop music in 1999 or 2000 didn’t even feature fake guitars.
Evanescence enjoyed two further Top 10s from their debut album, before Moody left under a cloud. This song’s success did not herald the start of a huge chart career, or indeed a prolonged return for rock music to the top of the charts. They are still active though, with a couple of hiatuses along the way, and with Lee as the only remaining original member.
Okay. This is not the first time we’ve met a sex offender at the top of the charts, and it won’t be the last. As with Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter, P Diddy, and Michael Jackson, and probably every rockstar active in the 1960s and 70s, we take a moment to acknowledge the crimes…
Ignition (Remix), by R. Kelly (his 2nd of three #1s)
4 weeks, 11th May – 8th June 2003
We also take a moment to acknowledge that this is a proper old school jam. It’s the freakin’ weekend baby I’m about to have me some fun… R. Kelly would like us to leave our credibility, and our clothes too, before entering the Stretch Navigator, for three minutes of soulful R&B silliness. There’s crystal poppin’, there’s coke and rum, there’s an after party, there are toot toots and beep beeps… If you’ve ever seen an episode of ‘Trapped in the Closet’, R. Kelly’s hip-hopera, this record is much the same vibe.
The original ‘Ignition’ had been recorded a year previously, but had existed for several years before that, perhaps explaining its retro sound. Due to an album leak, Kelly decided to remix several of its tracks. It was a good decision, as the original ‘Ignition’ is dull and treacly. It also adds to the feel of 2003 as a retrospective year, with big hits like ‘Make Luv’, ‘Loneliness’, and ‘Beautiful’ harking back to various different eras (plus a cover of ‘Spirit in the Sky’ for good measure).
So yes, this song is fun and goofy. I am nostalgically attached to it as it was number one when I finished high school, and was one of the songs of that long summer before I went to university. However, it has to be said that a song about getting a girl drunk and taking her back to a hotel, as well as select lines – I’m about to take my key and stick it in the ignition – leave a certain ickiness knowing what we now know.
Although, Kelly’s crimes were already well known in 2003. Rumours had been around since he’d ‘discovered’ fifteen-year-old Aaliyah in the mid-nineties, even before his 1st chart-topper ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ and in 2002 he was prosecuted on child pornography charges. Thus, the remix to ‘Ignition’ made #1 with the public in full knowledge of Kelly being a wrong ‘un. There’s no way that would happen today. (I am going to cast no moral judgement on this. Listening to a criminal’s songs does not mean you endorse the crimes, but I respect those who refuse to.)
Before we finish, note how this is already the fourth number of the year to stay at the top for a full month, with another four-weeker along straight after this. In my last post I mentioned plummeting sales, which might have contributed to these longer-running #1s (the early ‘90s was another time of low sales and long stretches at the top). But compared to a few years ago, when the year 2000’s fifty-two weeks gave us forty-two number ones, it’s another big shift.
Writing this blog has changed me, in many ways, but none so thoroughly as how it’s enhanced my understanding of dance music.
Loneliness, by Tomcraft (his 1st and only #1)
1 week, 4th – 11th May 2003
I’m still not 100% on top of the terms – it’s a process – but I’m confident in labelling this next number one as ‘techno’, or maybe ‘trance’. It’s not ‘house’, and definitely not ‘drum n bass’, or ‘ambient’, and probably not ‘breakbeat’ (though there’s a chance it could be).
I’m on safer ground when I stick to saying ‘I like it’. A good song is a good song, regardless of the genre. ‘Loneliness’ is churning, and ominous, with a bassline that vibrates right through you. The distinctive, throttled riff is memorable. Unlike other recent dance hits, it’s not an old song sampled and mashed up (a la ‘Make Luv’), and it’s not an old song backed by a basic sledgehammer beat and high-pitched vocals (a la ‘Heaven’). In fact, I’d say that ‘Loneliness’ is pretty dated by 2003 standards. It reminds me more of something from the late nineties, Wamdue Project maybe, or even Eiffel 65, and is indeed based on an excerpt from a 1998 track, ‘Share the Love’.
It’s quirky. Depending on which mix you listen to the structure of the song changes, curling itself in different ways around the main, industrial beat. Some mixes have a distinctive piano motif. The UK single edit, which for our purposes is the version attached below, has a rainfall break in the middle. It’s not a predictable dance track, and for a number one single it is fairly hardcore. Look at me, a regular Pete Tong, sprinkling this post with all the dance genres…
I remember this topping the charts, appearing out of nowhere to spend a week on top. And it seemed to vanish as quickly as it appeared, remaining fairly forgotten, with fewer than two millions views on YouTube. Tomcraft, a German DJ known to his parents as Thomas Brückner, only managed one follow-up #43 hit. He remained active and influential though, until his death in 2024, aged just forty-nine.
One other thing worth noting, and perhaps an explanation for tracks like this making number one, is how quickly single sales were plummeting in 2003. The downward trend had begun as far back as 2001, despite huge sales from reality TV acts like Hear’Say and Will Young bucking the trend, and by May 2003 Tomcraft needed fewer than 37,000 sales to make #1. Back in 2000, anything less than 100k per week for a number one was unusual. Sales will only drop further over the next couple of years, until the introduction of downloads in 2005 helps steady the ship. What these low sales will do, though, is give the charts an interestingly unpredictable feel.
I’d better come clean from the off. I really liked Busted back in the day. And was ready to head off down a rabbit hole of reminiscence this afternoon…
You Said No, by Busted (their 1st of four #1s)
1 week, 27th April – 4th May 2003
But listening to their first number one now, it sounds very lightweight. It sounds very processed, very studio engineered. Their faux-American accents grate. The lyrics, in which they whine like a bunch of snotty incels about the girl that turned them down (You’re so fit, And you know it, And I only dream of you, Cause my life’s such a bitch…) jar. What happened?
I’m reminded of an article I read at the time in a friend’s ‘proper’ rock magazine – ‘Guitar World’, maybe – which claimed to have studied and proved that the opening riff from ‘You Said No’ couldn’t possibly have been played on a real guitar. Now, to be fair, magazines like ‘Guitar World’ had a bit of an agenda against pop punk puppets like Busted, but they had a point. Is this how rock music had to debase itself to be a relevant chart force in the year 2003?
It’s still a catchy song, and isn’t without its charms. The na-na-nanas and the chorus are earworms, and it really has a sound that is very much of its time. Busted were the biggest male pop group in Britain between 2003 and 2004, and it’s right that they feature on top of the charts. But it isn’t hard to argue that this was a belated #1 – a ‘shadow #1’ I’ve called them, in previous posts – after their signature tune, and genuine pop culture moment, ‘Year 3000’ (which had stalled at #2 behind David Sneddon). It did guarantee, though, that Busted became the first act to have their first three singles enter the charts in ascending order: #3, #2, #1…
Maybe it’s just age. I was seventeen when this made number one (admittedly already several years beyond their target audience) and I am approaching a big birthday starting with four as I write this. Maybe it’s also because Busted, for all their charms, were to soon be eclipsed by their prodigies McFly, who started out in the same pop-punk mould but who proved to be a far more expansive band.
One final question that needs answering before we move on: were Busted a boyband? Well, the lyrics to ‘Year 3000’ show that they certainly didn’t think so, and I agree. They wrote their own songs, in part at least. They held (and presumably did sometimes play) their own instruments. And they didn’t have dance routines, or key changes. So no. What they do represent is how the mid-noughties indie and rock revival, which will start to feature eventually at the top of the charts, had filtered down to pop acts. And in my book any guitar, computer-enhanced or not, is always welcome on top of the charts.
Cast your minds back to 2013, when ‘Get Lucky’ by Daft Punk’s Pharrell and Nile Rodgers-featuring ‘Get Lucky’ was everywhere…
Make Luv, by Room 5 ft Oliver Cheatham (their 1st and only #1s)
4 weeks, 30th March – 27th April 2003
Well, I always thought that mega-hit was just a poor man’s ‘Make Luv’. Ten years earlier, Italian producer Room 5 had sampled US R&B singer Oliver Cheatham’s 1983 hit ‘Get Down Saturday Night’, had it featured in an advert for Lynx deodorant, and enjoyed one of those huge, slightly random, hits that 2003 would be remembered for.
This is the other side of mid-noughties dance, away from the trance heavy beats of DJ Sammy: an old sample, tarted up with some swooshes, drops and fades. There’s not much to it, and lyrics like I like to party, Everybody does… were never likely to win an Ivor Novello, but it doesn’t take much detective work to see why it was such a big hit. It is catchy, just the right side of cheesy, and remixed with a lightness of touch that lets it float by. Plus, it has that all-important multi-generational appeal.
And if this isn’t yet another disco revival! We’ve only just got past the turn-of-the-century disco revival, to the point that we should probably just acknowledge that disco never really needed reviving. ‘Make Luv’s success won’t lead to many other disco chart-toppers in the near future, but the charts of 2003-2006 were stacked with fairly cheap knock-offs. Oliver Cheatham found himself co-writer of another similar hit the year after this, for example: Michael Gray’s #7 smash ‘The Weekend’.
Who was Oliver Cheatham, the man who had only ever featured once before on the UK singles chart, when the original from which this was sampled made #38? He’d been recording throughout the eighties, with little chart success, and had spent much of the nineties as a backing singer for various artists. He was fifty-five by the time this became an unexpected #1 smash, and he embraced it with gusto, appearing with Room 5 as they promoted it. I believe this made him the third-oldest (living) male to top the charts, behind Elton John and Louis Armstrong. 2003, in fact, will be a year of old men making number one…
Room 5, meanwhile, also struggled for further hits, teaming up again with Cheatham for a much less successful (and very similar sounding) follow-up ‘Music & You’. He had more success as his alter-ego Junior Jack, and scored a number of Top 30 and Top 20 hits under that name, before and after his one and only chart-topper.
This look back at the past fifty number ones takes us through a year and three quarters, from the summer of 2001 to the spring of 2003. What have been the main themes this time around?
It’s hard to start anywhere other than reality TV. Our 901st #1 was ‘Popstars’ winners Hear’Say’s forgotten second chart-topper ‘The Way to Your Love’, and the 950th was ‘Pop Idol’ runner-up Gareth Gates’ cover of ‘Spirit in the Sky’ for Comic Relief. In between we’ve had nine other #1s from four different singing contests, ensuring that over 20% of the past fifty number ones have come from a reality TV franchise.
And I have to state, first and foremost, that they have not all been bad. I liked Liberty X’s ‘Just a Little’, and Gareth’s ‘Anyone of Us’, while Girls Aloud’s ‘Sound of the Underground’ is a crunchy, surf-rock ‘n’ electro pop gem. Plenty of them have been bland though (David Sneddon and Darius), while some have been pretty rubbish (‘Anything Is Possible’ and the ‘Long and Winding Road’/’Suspicious Minds’ twofer spring immediately to mind). But actually, it’s hard to view this first wave of TV #1s in isolation, when we know how bad it’s going to get as we reach the height of the X-Factor Age. These recent chart-toppers are not bad so much for how they sound, but for what they opened the gates to.
Back to Girls Aloud, though. That wasn’t just a reality TV winners’ single and a Christmas number one. It was part of the modern pop vanguard which has started to take over. Back in 2001, pop was still very much of the millennium, with acts like S Club, Five, and Atomic Kitten giving us cheap and cheerful bubblegum with R&B-lite production. Come early 2003, however, and pop music has become much bigger, much beefier, much more like what you’d still hear on the radio today. And it’s all female led: the Sugababes, Christina, Girls Aloud and t.A.T.u. I thought about arguing that it was all kicked off by Kylie’s inescapable ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’, but I think that exists in its own space and time, sounding unlike anything that came before or after, a one-off stroke of genius.
This shift in pop sounds is also partly responsible for the end of the Golden Age of Boybands, which had stretched from New Kids on the Block in 1989 right through the nineties. Blue recently made #1 with Elton John in tow, but they will be the last boyband (in the classic harmonies-and-dance-routines fashion) to top the charts until 2009, when the genre will have a renaissance.
Other things to note this time around are the drop-off in garage but the growth in UK rap, with So Solid Crew and Blazin’ Squad, as well as lots and lots of ballads. This was undoubtedly helped by the reality TV boom, but Robbie, Enrique Iglesias, Ronan Keating, Daniel Bedingfield, Christina and (of course) Westlife have also had success with slow and weepy numbers. Of the ninety-one chart weeks covered in this recap, twenty-eight weeks’ worth of #1s were ballads (or a clean thirty, if we count ‘Dilemma’ as a hip-hop ballad).
Dance has also remained a consistent presence, although I noted a move from the subtler Balearic beats that dominated around the turn of the century, to the heavier, more deliberate trance beats that will be en vogue for much of the 2000s. Compare and contrast, for example, Roger Sanchez’s ‘Another Chance’ from July ’01 with DJ Sammy’s ‘Heaven’ from November ’02.
We’ve also had a decent spread of novelties, from the likes of DJ Otzi, Las Ketchup, Gareth & the Kumars, and Bob the Builder (for a second time!) The best I’ll say is that they weren’t all terrible… And 2002 brought us three posthumous #1s, from Aaliyah, George Harrison and Elvis. Without bothering to check, I’ll claim that as a record for one recap. Elvis’s JXL remix was also noteworthy as it took him clear of the Beatles as the act with the most UK number ones.
Let’s dish out some awards then! Starting with the Meh Award for genuine dullness. Given the ballad-heavy nature of the past fifty there are quite a few candidates. I couldn’t remember ever hearing Hear’Say’s ‘The Way to Your Love’ before writing a post on it, and can’t remember it now either. Which is the very definition of a ‘Meh’ number one. And there was also Ronan Keating and Daniel Bedingfield redefining the term ‘insipid’… However, for me, the dullest of the past bunch was ‘Fame Academy’ winner David Sneddon’s ‘Stop Living the Lie’, proof that there is nothing wrong with pop stars getting other, more talented, people to write their songs…
Up next, the WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else. I toyed with giving it to So Solid Crew, or DJ Otzi, or even t.A.T.u. But none of those number ones, as eyebrow-raising as they were, are all that out of the ordinary. Not when I can turn and award it to Afroman, for his doo-wop stoner anthem/cautionary ‘scared straight’ tale ‘Because I Got High’.
For our latest Very Worst Chart-Topper, I think I’ll also have to go down the dull ballad route. I’ve dished this award out to Westlife in a previous edition, so ‘Queen of My Heart’ and ‘Unbreakable’ are off the hook. Was that cover of ‘Spirit in the Sky’ bad enough? Nah. Should I give it to Ronan Keating’s final UK number one, to round off a career of unadulterated blandness? Tempting… But instead I’m going to give it to one of the worst chart-topping covers of all time, Atomic Kitten’s take on a Bangles’ classic. I feel bad, as I do have a soft spot for Tash, Liz and Jenny (not forgetting our Kerry). But… If you wanted proof of the cheapening of modern pop music then you could produce no better evidence than two versions of ‘Eternal Flame’, twelve years apart.
And so, to the 30th Very Best Chart-Topper Award. And oh man, do we have some candidates. All of them notable for their oestrogen levels (though I did toy with giving this to Westlife’s ‘World of Our Own’ for Not. Being. A. Ballad!) I have five candidates: ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’, ‘Freak Like Me’, ‘Dirrty’, ‘Sound of the Underground’ and ‘All the Things She Said’. And I can’t believe I’m doing this but, as much as I love Kylie, and Girls Aloud, I’m eliminating them first. CGYOOMY is a classic, but stands on its own, ethereal, untouchable…. SOTU is good but not quite in the same league as the others, or as some of Girls Aloud’s later hits.
Which leaves us three forward-facing pop bangers. Sugababes, Xtina, or t.A.T.u? Our favourite Russian ‘lesbians’ were a moment, but they are next out of the running. Leaving us with two. The head says Sugababes, for a song that I claimed as marking the official start of the 2000s. The heart says Christina, because it was a tune, and it still is a tune, and is absolutely dripping (an apt term, given its subject matter) in nostalgia. Heart Vs Head. And, as music isn’t about logic, or fairness; but about what moves the heart (or any other part of the body) I’m giving it to ‘Dirrty’.
To recap the recaps:
The ‘Meh’ Award for Forgettability
‘Hold My Hand’, by Don Cornell.
‘It’s Almost Tomorrow’, by The Dream Weavers.
‘On the Street Where You Live’, by Vic Damone.
‘Why’, by Anthony Newley.
‘The Next Time’ / ‘Bachelor Boy’, by Cliff Richard & The Shadows.
‘Juliet’, by The Four Pennies.
‘The Carnival Is Over’, by The Seekers.
‘Silence Is Golden’, by The Tremeloes.
‘I Pretend’, by Des O’Connor.
‘Woodstock’, by Matthews’ Southern Comfort.
‘How Can I Be Sure’, by David Cassidy.
‘Annie’s Song’, by John Denver.
‘I Only Have Eyes For You’, by Art Garfunkel.
‘I Don’t Want to Talk About It’ / ‘The First Cut Is the Deepest’, by Rod Stewart.
‘Three Times a Lady’, by The Commodores.
‘What’s Another Year’, by Johnny Logan.
‘A Little Peace’, by Nicole.
‘Every Breath You Take’, by The Police.
‘I Got You Babe’, by UB40 with Chrissie Hynde.
‘Who’s That Girl’, by Madonna.
‘A Groovy Kind of Love’, by Phil Collins.
‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’, by Band Aid II.
‘Please Don’t Go’ / ‘Game Boy’, by KWS.
‘Dreams’, by Gabrielle.
‘Forever Love’, by Gary Barlow.
‘I Feel You’, by Peter Andre.
‘You Needed Me’, by Boyzone.
‘Holler’ / ‘Let Love Lead the Way’, by The Spice Girls.
‘Stop Living the Lie’, by David Sneddon
The WTAF Award for being interesting if nothing else
‘I See the Moon’, by The Stargazers.
‘Lay Down Your Arms’, by Anne Shelton.
‘Hoots Mon’, by Lord Rockingham’s XI.
‘You’re Driving Me Crazy’, by The Temperance Seven.
‘Nut Rocker’, by B. Bumble & The Stingers.
‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, by Gerry & The Pacemakers.
‘Little Red Rooster’, by The Rolling Stones.
‘Puppet on a String’, by Sandie Shaw.
‘Fire’, by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
‘In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus)’, by Zager & Evans.
‘Amazing Grace’, The Pipes & Drums & Military Band of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard.
‘Kung Fu Fighting’, by Carl Douglas.
‘If’, by Telly Savalas.
‘Wuthering Heights’, by Kate Bush.
‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.
‘Shaddap You Face’, by Joe Dolce Music Theatre.
‘It’s My Party’, by Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin.
‘Save Your Love’ by Renée & Renato.
‘Rock Me Amadeus’, by Falco.
‘Pump Up the Volume’ / ‘Anitina (The First Time I See She Dance)’, by M/A/R/R/S.
‘Doctorin’ the Tardis’, by The Timelords.
‘Sadeness Part 1’, by Enigma.
‘Ebeneezer Goode’, by The Shamen.
‘I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)’, by Meat Loaf.
‘Spaceman’, by Babylon Zoo.
‘All Around the World’, by Oasis.
‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’, by Baz Luhrmann.
‘Bound 4 da Reload (Casualty)’, by Oxide & Neutrino.
‘Because I Got High’, by Afroman.
The Very Worst Chart-Toppers
‘Cara Mia’, by David Whitfield with Mantovani & His Orchestra.
‘The Man From Laramie’, by Jimmy Young.
‘Roulette’, by Russ Conway.
‘Wooden Heart’, by Elvis Presley.
‘Lovesick Blues’, by Frank Ifield.
‘Diane’, by The Bachelors.
‘The Minute You’re Gone’, by Cliff Richard.
‘Release Me’, by Engelbert Humperdinck.
‘Lily the Pink’, by The Scaffold.
‘All Kinds of Everything’, by Dana.
‘The Twelfth of Never’, by Donny Osmond.
‘The Streak’, by Ray Stevens.
‘No Charge’, by J. J. Barrie
‘Don’t Give Up On Us’, by David Soul
‘One Day at a Time’, by Lena Martell.
‘There’s No One Quite Like Grandma’, by St. Winifred’s School Choir.
‘I’ve Never Been to Me’, by Charlene.
‘Hello’, by Lionel Richie.
‘I Want to Know What Love Is’, by Foreigner.
‘Star Trekkin’’, by The Firm.
‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’, by Glenn Medeiros.
‘Let’s Party’, by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers.
‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’, by Bryan Adams.
‘Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)’, by The Outhere Brothers.
‘Unchained Melody’ / ‘White Cliffs of Dover’, by Robson & Jerome.
‘C’est la Vie’, by B*Witched.
‘I Have a Dream’ / ‘Seasons in the Sun’, by Westlife.
‘Do You Really Like It?’, by DJ Pied Piper & Masters of Ceremonies
‘Eternal Flame’, by Atomic Kitten.
The Very Best Chart-Toppers
‘Such a Night’, by Johnnie Ray.
‘Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White’, by Perez ‘Prez’ Prado & His Orchestra.
‘Great Balls of Fire’, by Jerry Lee Lewis.
‘Cathy’s Clown’, by The Everly Brothers.
‘Telstar’, by The Tornadoes.
‘She Loves You’ by The Beatles.
‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’, by The Rolling Stones.
‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’, by Procol Harum.
‘I Heard It Through the Grapevine’, by Marvin Gaye.
‘Baby Jump’, by Mungo Jerry.
‘Metal Guru’, by T. Rex.
‘Tiger Feet’, by Mud.
‘Space Oddity’, by David Bowie.
‘I Feel Love’, by Donna Summer.
‘Heart of Glass’, by Blondie.
‘The Winner Takes It All’, by ABBA.
‘My Camera Never Lies’, by Bucks Fizz.
‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
‘You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)’, by Dead or Alive
The UK Number Ones Blog 