Ballads

937. ‘The Long and Winding Road’ / ‘Suspicious Minds’, by Will Young & Gareth Gates

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After two solo number ones apiece, it was surely inevitable that a Pop Idol Top Two duet was on its way…

The Long and Winding Road / Suspicious Minds, by Will Young & Gareth Gates (their 3rd of four #1s each)

2 weeks, from 29th September – 13th October 2002

And after two solo number ones apiece that I’ve tried to make the best of, and in some cases quite enjoyed, it was surely inevitable that my patience would run out. It’s not just that it’s the sixth Pop Idol #1 in barely six months, and it’s not just that they’re desecrating both the Beatles and Elvis. It’s both those things, but also the fact that both these songs are sooo very dull.

Their take on ‘The Long and Winding Road’ starts off as the sort of lounge-pop that male-female duos perform in the background of posh hotel buffets, under strict instructions to be as bland and inoffensive as possible so as not to distract people from their lobster. It picks up a little, and the harmonies are nice, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it before. Which is odd for a two-week number one in 2002, when I was amid one of my chart-watching phases. Or it’s entirely possible that I’ve just forgotten.

Interestingly – potentially the only interesting thing about this record – that song is a duet while the other is left entirely over to Gareth. His cover of ‘Suspicious Minds’ featured on the soundtrack to Disney’s ‘Lilo & Stitch’, and is bad in a completely different way. Although Gareth Gates is not vocally on a par with Elvis (newsflash!), it is upbeat, it is perky, and it sounds like he is having fun. But it has that classic, syrupy, karaoke production that reality TV singing shows will became famous for, with any potential edge polished away to nothing.

I’m not one for venerating the sacred cows of pop. I say have at them. One of my favourite covers of a Beatles song is Tiffany’s clattering ‘I Saw Her Standing There’. And of course Elvis’ and the Beatles’ back-catalogues is filled with covers, of varying quality. But for God’s sake, do something interesting. Add something to the conversation, for better or worse. It’s not as if ‘The Long and Winding Road’ is many people’s favourite Beatles’ song in the first place. And while ‘Suspicious Minds’ is an undisputed classic, Fine Young Cannibals proved that it was possible to reimagine it and not piss off too many people. Hell, even Will Young’s cover of a cover of ‘Light My Fire’ had something interesting about it.

But then ‘something interesting’ isn’t often in the remit of Simon Cowell and his production team. You do wonder if the choice of artists being covered here was intentional trolling, but I suspect it was just further proof of a lack of imagination. We’ll do Elvis and, um, The Beatles! This was still actually quite avant-garde for a Cowell release. If he had his way, he’d probably be happy with a never-ending parade of ‘Unchained Melody’ covers.

I imagine Gareth was happier than Will when doing these covers, but that’s probably based on the direction their careers went in the years after Pop Idol. 2003 will bring one final chart-topper for both, and these songs will give a clearer indication of what lay in store for either boy.

926. ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’, by Ronan Keating

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Instead of writing a proper intro for this next number one, I’d like you to instead picture me letting out a long, world-weary sigh…

If Tomorrow Never Comes, by Ronan Keating (his 3rd and final solo #1)

1 week, from 12th – 19th May 2002

For we have to, once again, grapple with the cultural contributions of Ronan Keating. With Groanin’ Ronan’s admittedly admirable dedication to releasing dull music. Not bad music. Not offensive. Not ugly. Just… dull. But at least his reign of blandness comes to an end here.

‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’ is a nice enough, country-tinged ballad. It had originally been a hit for King of Country Garth Brooks in 1989, whose version I prefer. I do wish Keating’s producers hadn’t dialled back the yee-haw. They presumably thought that a British audience couldn’t cope with too much Nashville-style production. And they were probably right, though it leads to a very characterless record.

Lyrically it’s a twist on the idea of a dead loved one. The singer is not singing about a fear of their lover dying; but is questioning how their lover would feel if they were the one to suddenly perish. Which is an interesting, if slightly self-centred, take on the theme. In the staggeringly bad video, Keating falls, in cringey slo-mo, in front of a car. At the same time, his still-sleeping girlfriend grips her bedsheets in terror (thought to me this could easily be confused with orgasmic pleasure). See Ronan, you assume she’ll be racked with grief, but maybe she’ll quickly move on to someone who hasn’t made it his life’s mission to inflict on mankind the most boring songs imaginable.

Having said that, I did give his first two solo number ones a decent write-up. ‘When You Say Nothing at All’ is a cover of a much better late-eighties country ballad than this, while ‘Life Is a Rollercoaster’ is a minor millennial classic. But of the nine chart-toppers he enjoyed, both solo and as a part of Boyzone, between 1996 and 2002, the majority have been boring. Plus, he helped Louis Walsh create Westlife, so he technically has fourteen more #1s of dubious quality to answer for.

Ronan may be leaving top spot alone, but he still enjoyed several more years of UK hits, including covers of ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ (with Lulu), ‘Father and Son’ (with Cat Stevens himself), and Goo Goo Dolls’ ‘Iris’. Again, I let out a long old sigh. Groanin’ Ronan Keating covering ‘Iris’ feels as grimly inevitable as societal collapse brought on by the climate crisis. I don’t want to come over all Carrie Bradshaw, yet I can’t help but wonder… Did he really ever enjoy his recording career? Did he actually arrive at the studio every day, ready to lay down vocals for yet another plodding cover, and think ‘this is the life’…?

922. ‘Unchained Melody’, by Gareth Gates

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The winner of Pop Idol gets knocked off number one… by the runner-up. Yes, roll your eyes, it’s an understandable reaction; but you’d better get used to this level of domination.

Unchained Melody, by Gareth Gates (his 1st of four #1s)

4 weeks, from 24th March – 21st April 2002

Gareth Gates had been the frontrunner for much of the first series of Pop Idol, and was the bookies’ favourite going into the final. But I’d say that the public chose the right winner on the night. Will Young has a memorable voice, one you can pick out of a crowd. Gates has the voice of a decent-enough pub karaoke singer.

Luckily for him, his debut single was ripped right from Simon Cowell’s karaoke playbook. ‘Unchained Melody’ is either an inspired choice – it had worked for Robson & Jerome, and if it ain’t broke – or the most mind-numbingly unimaginative one. Why did we need yet another cover of it, the third one to top the charts in less than twelve years? At least Will Young was given a couple of ‘originals’, even if they were very dull. Although if one thing’s clear after the age of X-Factor, it’s that Simon Cowell has a very limited, if indeed any, imagination.

At least the song is shuffled around a little, starting with the lonely rivers bit. It means it does catch the ears, at first. But as soon as the tune comes in properly, it dissolves into mush. Is this better or worse than the R&J version? Or is that question moot as long as you can put on the Righteous Brothers instead? There was of course another number one version, Jimmy Young’s 1955 hit, which was literally the melody from the movie ‘Unchained’. This record of four different chart-topping versions of a song still stands, though it has since been matched by two other tunes.

I will have to admit that this record, when I was sixteen, was the first time I had really encountered ‘Unchained Melody’. I’m sure I already knew it, but the radio airplay of this version really hammered the song home. And I did quite like this version… For a week or two, at most, I assure you.

What’s interesting to see is that, in truth, and unlike later singing contest series, it didn’t matter whether Gareth Gates or Will Young won the final. They both enjoyed the success of winners, matching one another hit for hit, at least for the first year or two of their careers. Gates was only seventeen when he made the final, and he had the now contractually obliged reality TV sob-story: a stammer that only went away when he sang. Though I don’t want to belittle a genuine affliction, it does amuse me that his oblivious parents gave him the possibly the worst name ever given to someone with a stammer.

921. ‘Anything Is Possible’ / ‘Evergreen’, by Will Young

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A year on from Hear’Say, we meet our second reality TV pop star. And there have been few bigger stars to come from reality TV than Will Young.

Anything Is Possible / Evergreen, by Will Young (his 1st of four #1s)

3 weeks, from 3rd – 24th March 2002

And unlike Hear’Say, whose auditions and journey to stardom were left in the hands of a trio of judges, Will Young won ‘Pop Idol’ after a public vote – the highest ever public vote across any of the subsequent singing contest formats. His debut single, both songs from which Young had performed in the live final, became the fastest selling single of all time, selling almost half a million copies in its first day, and 1.1 million by the end of its first week.

A landmark single, then. Which begs the all-important question. Is it any good? Well, no. Not really. ‘Anything Is Possible’ sets the lyrical template for winners singles, with lyrics about overcoming obstacles and never giving up. I’m flying high, Like the wind, Reaching the impossible, I’ll never doubt again… Blah, blah, blah.

Musically it is bland and predictable, and already dated, with the tempo and smooth beats of a mid-nineties ballad (the intro smacks of ‘2 Become 1’). It had been written to order in three hours by Cathy Dennis and Chris Braide, after Simon Cowell had enjoyed their work on S Club 7’s ‘Have You Ever’. I’m not sure I hear much of HYE in ‘Anything Is Possible’, and despite not giving that one much a write-up when it made #1, it is an infinitely better tune.

Strangely, despite ‘Anything Is Possible’ (I keep mistakenly typing ‘everything is ‘pissible’ – is there such a thing as a Freudian finger-slip?) being listed first, I only remember ‘Evergreen’ getting played at the time. And that’s fair, because it is the better song. It has a chorus that you actually remember, and a certain soaring quality to it. Maybe it wasn’t pushed as much due to the fact that it had appeared on Westlife’s most recent album. The boys in Westlife claimed it as one of the weakest songs on the LP, though maybe that was just sour grapes at Young having such a big hit with it.

It also has a Westlife-grade key change, and a huge final chorus. Will Young had just won a singing contest, and so he does obviously have a good, clear voice. It’s a voice you can instantly identify, though I find it a little nasal at times. He, inevitably, has gone on record multiple times to say how much he dislikes both of these songs, and how he will never perform them again without being paid lots and lots of money. To be fair, it would be hard to imagine one of Britain’s most famous gay men singing a line like you’re the only girl that I need…

Despite this marking the start of the X-Factor Age (I know he won ‘Pop Idol’, but it’s a catchier title), it’s hard to apportion much of the blame to Will Young, who has gone on to make some good pop music, to carve out a twenty-year career in the industry, and who seems like a nice guy. At the same time, the heart sinks to realise that this is the first of seven reality TV #1s we’ll meet in 2002 alone… Starting with the young lad with a stammer who finished narrowly behind Young, up next.

919. ‘Hero’, by Enrique Iglesias

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I press play on our next number one, and I start to feel the bile rising the second Enrique Iglesias whispers: Let me be your hero…

Hero, by Enrique Iglesias (his 1st and only #1)

4 weeks, from 27th January – 24th February 2002

I’ve never liked this song, right from the time it was spending an interminable month on top of the charts. There may be external reasons for this hate, which we’ll get to shortly, but even before those external reasons came along I thought this was overwrought garbage. It feels like a leftover nineties power-ballad; even though it isn’t a power-ballad, at least not until the final chorus. Beef it up a bit, though, and it’s ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi. And there are few worse insults than that, in my book.

For most of its runtime, ‘Hero’ is a Spanish-guitar tinged love song. Enrique delivers it in a tremulous, hiccupping manner he must have thought would make him sound overcome with emotion, but to me it sounds like he’s gagging over the words, like a cat hacking up a big hairball. Though to be fair, gagging is the reasonable response to this bilge.

The best bit is the understated Latin guitar solo, which is not a sound we hear very often on top of the charts. Note that it is also the bit where Enrique shuts up. The funny thing is, I quite like some of his songs. He tended to be pretty listenable, and fun, when he kept things upbeat. ‘Hero’ though, remains his signature song, for English-speakers at least.

I remember the video quite well too, and Enrique cavorting with Jennifer Love-Hewitt before being beaten to death by Mickey Rourke. He had a habit of casting beautiful women in his videos, with tennis player Anna Kournikova appearing in the follow-up ‘Escape’. To be fair, they’ve been in a relationship ever since, which will have ruined Enrique’s chances of equalling his father’s body count (over 3000, apparently). But, they do here become the first father and son to top the UK charts, Julio having made it twenty years earlier with ‘Begin the Beguine’.

The other reason why I can’t stand ‘Hero’, and which may be clouding my judgement of an undoubtedly popular song, is that it will forever remind me of the death of a school friend. He died suddenly, when we were nineteen, and this played as we left the funeral service. Thing is, there is no way he would have chosen this song for his funeral. He’d probably never once thought about what song he’d want played at his funeral. What nineteen-year-old would? It was clearly just a CD of mood-appropriate music owned by the crematorium. (The other song I remember playing was Aerosmith’s ‘Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’, another one I now cannot stand). I think that’s incredibly sad, having a song you don’t like played at your funeral. Better to have silence. Ever since, though I’ve not made an official list, I’ve dropped regular hints to those who listen that I’d like certain songs played at my funeral. I won’t say what they are here, not wanting to tempt fate, but rest assured if Enrique Iglesias’s ‘Hero’ is played, whoever is responsible will be getting haunted, mercilessly.

916. ‘Somethin’ Stupid’, by Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman

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If someone stopped me in the street and demanded an answer to the question: ‘Does Nicole Kidman have a UK number one single to her name?’, chances are I’d panic and say ‘no’. The existence of this record always passes me by…

Somethin’ Stupid, by Robbie Williams (his 5th of seven #1s) & Nicole Kidman

3 weeks, from 16th December 2001 – 6th January 2002

Yet Nicky K does have a number one, and not just any old number one: a Christmas number one. Why did this happen? It seems incongruous now, looking back, but there must have been a reason for this combo, which we can explore in a bit.

First, though, the song. And it’s a pretty faithful cover of the Frank ‘n’ Nancy classic. A bit more of a bossa nova beat, perhaps, while I don’t personally think it suits Robbie’s voice very well. It’s not that he can’t compete with Sinatra – who wasn’t an amazing singer – more that this song forces a restraint on him that doesn’t work. Kidman, meanwhile, is fine, purring her way through, though I’m not sure you’d ever work out that it was her unless told. They harmonise well, however, it has to be said.

It is far, far from the worst musical crime to be committed at Christmas. The worst accusation you could level at this record is that it’s underwhelming, and fairly superfluous while the original still exists. But we’ve been saying that a lot recently, about covers of golden-oldies which have made #1. And hey, unlike the original, at least Robbie and Nicole aren’t blood relations…

This was the lead single from Robbie’s ‘Swing When You’re Winning’ album of jazz and swing standards, which kicked off a good decade-long resurgence for the genre. Think Rod Stewart’s Great American Songbooks, and endless ‘Big Band Weeks’ on X-Factor. But why Nicole Kidman? There were rumours that she and Robbie may have been an item, but it’s probably as simple as her having starred in the year’s big musical hit ‘Moulin Rouge’, and also having charted earlier in the year with ‘Come What May’, in which she duetted with co-star Ewan McGregor.

And so we come to the end of 2001. Suddenly we’re two whole years into the twenty-first century! And only twenty-three years away from the present day… It’s all getting a bit close. What to make of 2001: a chart odyssey? It hasn’t been a classic year for chart-toppers, if we’re honest. The few classics have been padded out with lots of cheap and cheerful cheese, and it’s felt like a step down from the cool highs of the Year 2000. Heading into 2002 I’m not sure things are going to improve, as we’re about to go into Reality TV overdrive…

914. ‘Have You Ever’, by S Club 7

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Our third pop ballad in a row… Bear with us, as this is the last ballad for a (short) while at least…

Have You Ever, by S Club 7 (their 4th and final #1)

1 week, from 25th November – 2nd December 2001

After the success of ‘Never Had a Dream Come True’ a year ago, making #1 and raising lots of money for Children in Need, it makes sense that S Club would have another crack at it. It also feels a little cynical, if you’ll allow: as if they were padding out their chart-topping stats with songs that aren’t remembered as well as some of their other hits.

Compared to the previous two pop ballads, I’d plonk this in the middle. It’s fresher, more modern, less of a slog than Westlife’s ‘Queen of My Heart’; but it doesn’t have the energy of Blue’s ‘If You Come Back’. Musically it is quite similar to the Blue ballad, though, with a skittish R&B beat and a powerhouse vocal performance from Jo O’Meara. I never realised at the time how much she dominated many of S Club’s singles, to the extent that you have to wonder why they needed six other members…

This record also suffers from being the ‘follow-up’ to ‘Never Had a Dream Come True’, which I think is the better ballad, and to ‘Don’t Stop Movin’’, which is one of the decade’s great pop songs. ‘Have You Ever’ feels like an afterthought to both these records. And can I take a moment to bemoan song titles that are questions, but don’t have a question mark? This is far from the first example…

Though S Club 7’s two Children in Need singles topped the charts, and sold a surprisingly identical number of copies in debuting at #1, ‘Never Had a Dream Come True’ was the year 2000’s 9th biggest seller, while ‘Have You Ever’ was 2001’s 21st biggest. Which feels about right. Apparently, though, this song holds the record for the number of voices used in a single recording, as when the band performed the song live for CIN, they were joined by six school choirs via video link, and 3610 other schools on tape, plus spin off group S Club Juniors (two of whom we’ll meet as chart-toppers down the line).

S Club 7 released one further single before Paul Cattermole quit, and they became plain old S Club. The band split in 2003, having managed the impressive feat of charting in the Top 5 with all eleven of their singles. Their post-split careers were a mixed bag of solo success (Rachel Stevens), racism scandals (O’Meara) and student union tours (Bradley McIntosh), while Cattermole declared bankruptcy and Hannah Spearritt claimed to have been made homeless. They reformed in 2023, but Cattermole sadly died of heart failure a few weeks later, aged just forty-six. They are still touring, though, and are currently an S Club 5, with Spearritt having opted out of the comeback. And I’d say that for people of my vintage, no matter how cool they thought they were (or think they still are…), at least one or two S Club tunes hold a place in their hearts.

913. ‘If You Come Back’, by Blue

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The boyband third single rule (it has to be a ballad) and the boyband single-for-Christmas rule (it has to be a ballad) combine here… In a big old ballad.

If You Come Back, by Blue (their 2nd of three #1s)

1 week, from 18th – 25th November 2001

At the end of my previous post, I hoped that this next chart-topping ballad would be better than Westlife’s dull ‘Queen of My Heart’. And it is. That much is evident from the modern hip-hop, garage-y backing beat – the lovechild of Atomic Kitten and Craig David – and the fact that Blue still sound quite keen and perky, as if they haven’t yet become jaded after years of being flogged to line Louis Walsh’s pockets.

I did consider claiming that Blue were better singers than Westlife, but I’m not sure that’s what’s happening here. They do sound fresher, but maybe that’s down to this being their second #1, as opposed to their ninth. They’re also let off the leash a little more than Westlife, who had to follow their tried and tested formula to the letter.

Blue’s exuberance gets the better of them, though, and some parts of this record amount to over-singing, as if they were still auditioning, uncertain of their places in the band. Understated confidence, and a more delicate, R&B touch would have perhaps served the song better. At the same time, though, it’s enjoyable to hear them going for it. Lee Ryan especially, who I would contend had the best voice of any nineties-cum-noughties boyband member.

But, just because it is better than ‘Queen of My Heart’, I wouldn’t want to get carried away. If Westlife’s offering was, say, a two out of ten, then this is a solid five. Decent enough, but nothing to linger in the memory for very long. Question is, can the third of our three wintery ballads in a row continue the upward trajectory…?

912. ‘Queen of My Heart’, by Westlife

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In an earlier post, I noted the late-nineties phenomenon in which pop acts seemed to be contractually obliged to release a ballad for winter. East 17 were the original and best, but Peter Andre, the Spice Girls, B*Witched, S Club and more have all had a go since. And it seems like this phenomenon now peaks in November 2001… Are you ready for three wintery ballads in a row?

Queen of My Heart, by Westlife (their 9th of fourteen #1s)

1 week, from 11th – 18th November 2001

Starting with the daddies of pop balladry, Westlife. It’s actually been a whole year since we endured a Westlife ballad, and this is only their second #1 of the year. Their days of complete and utter chart domination are behind them, but the lead single from their new album is always a good bet for top spot.

Again, like so many of their ballads, I’m getting strong hints of ‘Mull of Kintyre’. Is it possible that their songwriting team started every session by trying to recreate ‘Mull of Kintyre’? If so, I’d say this is as close as they got. Same pace, same-sounding chord progressions. No bagpipes, thank God, but there are accordions for that authentic Irish pub touch. And, naturally, a key change complete with festive bells: a moment that even Paul McCartney would have found too cheesy.

I will admit to having actually enjoyed one (or two) of Westlife’s earlier chart-toppers. I’ve certainly made the best of the previous eight. But I’d say this is the moment where I finally lose patience. This one is dull, and plodding: a complete drag. Every note is cynically sentimental, sucking a tear out of granny’s eye with a vacuum cleaner. My heart sinks to think that we still have five more #1s to come from them…

I’d say that the one slightly interesting thing to note here is that for their third album, Westlife have matured their sound slightly to something a little more Adult Contemporary, with fewer poppy flourishes. But I think that seriousness is what makes this such a slog. That, and the fact that there’s not an original bone in this song’s body. Even their note for note cover of ‘Uptown Girl’ had more originality. By the time the aforementioned key change comes along, it is so signposted, so obviously on its way, that it crashes upon us like an elephant barging into our living room.

So, first ballad down, two more to come. They must be better than this, right…?

904. ‘Eternal Flame’, by Atomic Kitten

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I admitted to a nostalgic appreciation of the cheap and cheerful production on Atomic Kitten’s first number one, ‘Whole Again’. It worked fine on an original composition…

Eternal Flame, by Atomic Kitten (their 2nd of three #1s)

2 weeks, from 29th July – 12th August 2001

But to replace the iconic, tingling intro to ‘Eternal Flame’ with the exact same pre-set drumbeat is sacrilege. And all three Kittens combined cannot compare to Susanna Hoffs tremulous vocals. We’ve heard a lot of inessential covers cropping up at number one in recent years, many of them re-dos of eighties classics, and I’d say that this rivals A1’s ‘Take on Me’ for cheapening banality.

Ironically for a song widely believed to have brought about the end of the Bangles, this version of ‘Eternal Flame’ was the official relaunch of Atomic Kitten, Kerry Katona having been replaced by Jenny Frost during the promotion of their previous number one. It set the tone for several more years of mid-level balladry and cheap covers, none of which were a patch on the catchy, playful singles from their first album. We can once again conclude that Kerry ‘That’s why mum’s go to Iceland’ Katona was the genuine creative force in the group…

What’s interesting-slash-alarming to realise is that there were only twelve years between the two versions of ‘Eternal Flame’ making number one. Yet to my ears, considering I was aged three for one and fifteen for the other, they sound as if they’re from completely different millennia. Which they technically are, but that’s not what I mean… Whatever is beyond your living memory is automatically ‘ancient’, and anything you can remember is ‘modern’, even if there’s but a year between them. It’s the same as how I can watch ‘Top Gun’, or footage from the 1986 World Cup, and struggle to believe that I was alive at the same time…

Apologies for that tangent, but is there a better place to get lost in contemplation of the perception of time than in a post on Atomic Kitten’s butchering of ‘Eternal Flame’? And luckily for us, this isn’t the last eighties chart-topper that the Kittens are going to get their claws stuck into. Their final chart-topper awaits…